confrontation advice

confrontation advice
P

patheobald

Registrant
I'm new here but have been working with my recovery for a few years. I'm looking for some advice/suggestions about confronting my abuser. Specifically the logistics of it all. First, a little background. I was abused as a teenager by my priest. It lasted for several years until he was discovered. Although he was removed from the church, he still has gone unpunished because he was never reported to the authorities. He now lives in a different state about 7 hours away. I haven't had any contact with him since 1991 when he disappeared. I understand the purpose/benefit of a confrontation is only for my benefit and I have worked on what I would tell him. I have to confront him or it will knaw at me for eternity and it must be in person. I will not do this over the phone nor with just a letter. I intend to use writing to help me stay on course during the confrontation and I will have someone close by as support if I need it. My question really is this... What do you think would be the best place / time to confront him? I don't really care to contact him beforehand but if I'm going to drive 7 hours for this, I want him to be there. I've worked enough on this that I won't feel any shame/blame/guilt over his actions but should this confrontation be in a public place or semi-private? I guess I'm looking for some of the things that may have worked for others here. Any input is welcome.
 
Theo'
It's adifficult thing to do, and something I haven't done myself so I won't profess to know the answers.

But there are people here who also suffered clergy abuse and have gone through with confrontation.
And I would say they all seem to have come through it for the better.

If you look through the links at the top of the page you'll find a good article by Ken Singer about confrontation, well worth reading.

Dave
 
Patheobald:
Check this out before you confront and see if it fits in with your plans.

Good luck.

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm

Ken
 
Patheobald,

No one here will deny a survivor's right to confront his abuser. If mine were still alive I would be very tempted.

I would just ask this. What do you hope to gain from the confrontation, and if you get that, would it help in your recovery? If you didn't get that and the whole thing goes badly wrong, how seriously would that affect your recovery?

I'm not so sure I would dismiss the idea of writing a letter. Ken's discussion has a template for a five-part letter that's very good. Perhaps just writing will allow you to get out what you want to say, and of course whether you sent it is up to you. A letter places you in complete control: the perp has no opportunity to respond except in writing, and he will be left wondering what you plan to do next.

However you decide to go with this, I hope you are working with a therapist. If you are not, my fear would be that however much the priest deserves to be confronted, this could cause you a lot of trauma and harm.

Take care,
Larry
 
I looked and studied the article that Ken refers to. I was lucky in some ways that a national newspaper set up the whole thing and I confronted one of my perps but I did it within a controlled environment plus I had back up as well. But I do have to say it was one of the most empowering things I have ever done. I took back the power this perp had over me for nearly thirty years and I put the blame where it should have been all along squarely on his shoulders and I will do the same with the others when the opportunity arises.

Read the article as many times as you can and make sure you have support

Kirk
 
Thanks to all for the comments. I have already read many, many times the confrontation article mentioned above and the Victims No Longer chapter dealing with confrontation. I fully know how empowering confrontation can be. I already confronted another abuse.

His abuse went further back in my age. I had just left a therapy session where I explained to my T how I had just make an important breakthrough and was waiting for whatever was next. Less than an hour later, I ran into Fred (old family friend / molester) at the bookstore and he asked how I was doing? I quickly and simply responded that I had just left a therapy session where I'm trying to cope with what he and others like him had done to me. We went outside to continue the conversation and in the end I felt electrified with all of the emotions. I was able to finally stand up to the abuse and left him know that he hurt me because of it. He did try apologizing and I think he was sincere but I left him with the knowledge that I wasn't going to hold his guilt/shame/abuse any longer. Those were his to deal with. With that said, I got into my car and calmly left....until I turned the corner...and then fell apart.

In hindsight I see how this experience happened to be very safe, beneficial, and empowering for me.

I definitely do not have the same expectations when I confront the ex-priest. He had more power over me than Fred and although I am strong enough now to not take on any more shame for his abuse, the confrontation will definitely be more charged. I am worried that rage will overtake me and Ill react to it and do something stupid. The only thing I want to accomplish from the confrontation is to actually stand up to the priest and let him know that 1) he sexually abused me, 2) I did not want to be sexual with him (my priest), 3) I did not deserve to be abused, 4) what he did has hurt me greatly, and 5) I will not share his shame/guilt/secret any more. I am not hoping for anything more or less. Ive already taken back the power he had over me and I want him to know it. I know I could tell him these things through a letter or with a telephone call but I must do this in person. Call it a weakness of mine if you will but I must be face to face with this asshole when I tell him these things.

Ive been preparing for this for quite some time in many ways letter writing, journaling, scene playing. I have recently resumed therapy sessions to help with the emotional aspect of this and I attend a SNAP support group. I do intend to bring with me a letter written to him so I can use it to stay on my course. I am confident I will walk away from the confrontation satisfied with the result. I only want to tell him the things above. I am not interested in his reaction and I am not looking for any validation or remorse from him.

What I am looking for from this discussion board are ideas regarding the timing of things. I am going to travel for 7 hours to do this so what can I do to make sure I can confront him. Ideally, it would be best to schedule some time with him but I dont want to contact him beforehand. How can I ensure I can meet him and still not let him see it coming?
 
You handled that situation in the bookstore sooo well. I would of turned the other way especiallya after a therapy session ... or stay and do something I would regret later.

In terms of setting up a meeting ... is it possible to have someone close to you set up a meeting (and maybe go with you)? I'm not sure what others here would say about this ... but a more complicated route would be to hire a Private Investigator for the soul purpose of setting up the meeting under another pretense. The PI doesn't need to know anything about why the meeting is being set up. An attorney might also be able to coordinate a meeting without divulging why its being set up. Again its more complicated, but just trying to be creative with ideas about setting up the meeting. Plus the PI can give you an idea about the person's schedule so you don't make the 7 hour drive and miss the person or they have company that prevents you from confronting them.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
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