Conflicting thoughts and feelings.
human 2.0
Registrant
So.. I have a lot of things to say and I'm not sure how to say them all, but I'm going to try.
I think I might be into guys and I feel really conflicted about it.
I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but at the same time, the thought of me being with a guy makes me feel gross because of the reason I'm here. I know I would have my parents' support, my mom has already told me that she doesn't care if I'm gay, all that matters is that I'm happy (I guess she already suspected I was gay before I even realized what I was feeling). But like I said, I feel conflicted. I'm probably just in denial, but part of me can't help but think, "You don't really like guys, you just think you do because you're messed up from what happened when you were little." That thought plays over, and over, and over again in my head. And I know that every source I've ever found says that's not true. But it also wouldn't make sense for me to like men, they generally terrify me because of my past. I just want to figure this out, because I've already panicked about it too much.
I'm too ashamed, anxious, and panicky to talk to anyone about it in person. I guess i was just wondering if anyone has felt the same, or if anyone has any advice.
Anyway, because of all this I was hoping that nothing would happen because I don't know what to do with my feelings, and I still don't feel like I can talk to people about it face to face, but a few weeks ago now, the guy that I'm pretty sure I like, told me he thinks I'm cute. And that made me feel really weird, anxious, and gross. We were looking at cute animal pictures and I was talking about how adorable they were, and he's looking at me and says something along the lines of "Yeah, really cute." Then I pointed out that he wasn't even looking at the pictures I'm trying to show him, and I ask him why he's not looking when they're such cute animals, he should want to look at them. To which he responds, "That's because I'm looking at how cute you are." So I got really anxious, which he saw and then he apologized, because he knows I don't like comments on my appearance, and he's sorry that he let it slip out without thinking. This is more stuff because of my past. I hate people looking at me, I don't want them to like looking at me. It makes me uncomfortable and anxious, and I get scared that... if they like what they see.. that they might make me go through the bad things I went through in the past.
So I was uneasy because of what he said, but then I also started feeling bad for making him feel bad when he was just trying to say something nice. So we ended up just silently laying in my bed until my mom came in and let us know it was time to sleep. (I still live with my parents, I'm not able to live on my own as of now)
But I didn't want him to leave, because something about him being with me makes me feel calm and even a bit happy. Or at least I feel calm and happy until I start thinking too much and my brain starts to spiral. So even though I felt anxious for a moment, it went away really quickly, when usually my brain doesn't let me calm down for a long time. So he ended up sleeping over in the guestroom because I asked him to stay and it was overall a really confusing time. Mostly because of confusing feelings.
The only other time I've let him stay overnight in the past was because my parents had gone to sleep already and I didn't want him to walk home alone at night. He lives in my neighborhood so its not far, but I want him to be safe so I told him he should just spend the night. I usually never like having anyone at home other than my parents at night, it makes me uncomfortable and I can't sleep. But for some reason, some part of me wanted him to stay. And since last time I was able to sleep, i hoped it would be fine to have him stay over again. But I ended up thinking too much and was up until 1am dwelling on a lot of feelings that I didn't know what to do with.
Again, I'm pretty sure I like him. But I don't want to like him. I know it would be okay to like him. But I don't want to because I don't know how to deal with being gay. So I was hoping that I could ignore it for however long possible really, but then that happened and I don't know what to do. Its not much that happened, but I'm guessing that means he might like me? Which scares me.. but its also not bad. I hate feeling this confused, unsure, and messed up.
After that we've been hanging out like normal, which is pretty much every day since we're neighbors. The more time I spend with him the more I'm scared that I actually like him. But I don't want to like him, I don't want to like a man. Again, even though part of me knows its not true, theres still so much of me that keeps telling me the only reasons I feel the way I feel is because of my past. I really don't want to deal with this. But not dealing with it doesn't seem to be working either. And I know I should talk to my therapist about it, probably, but the last time I tried that I had a panic attack and I don't want to do that again. I just want to not feel, but I keep feeling.
I hope that made some sense. I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe others feel the same? Maybe someone out there felt this way in the past and has figured it out? I don't know. But thats all for now, its late and I'm gonna fall asleep soon. Thanks for reading all that, if you did.
I think I might be into guys and I feel really conflicted about it.
I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but at the same time, the thought of me being with a guy makes me feel gross because of the reason I'm here. I know I would have my parents' support, my mom has already told me that she doesn't care if I'm gay, all that matters is that I'm happy (I guess she already suspected I was gay before I even realized what I was feeling). But like I said, I feel conflicted. I'm probably just in denial, but part of me can't help but think, "You don't really like guys, you just think you do because you're messed up from what happened when you were little." That thought plays over, and over, and over again in my head. And I know that every source I've ever found says that's not true. But it also wouldn't make sense for me to like men, they generally terrify me because of my past. I just want to figure this out, because I've already panicked about it too much.
I'm too ashamed, anxious, and panicky to talk to anyone about it in person. I guess i was just wondering if anyone has felt the same, or if anyone has any advice.
Anyway, because of all this I was hoping that nothing would happen because I don't know what to do with my feelings, and I still don't feel like I can talk to people about it face to face, but a few weeks ago now, the guy that I'm pretty sure I like, told me he thinks I'm cute. And that made me feel really weird, anxious, and gross. We were looking at cute animal pictures and I was talking about how adorable they were, and he's looking at me and says something along the lines of "Yeah, really cute." Then I pointed out that he wasn't even looking at the pictures I'm trying to show him, and I ask him why he's not looking when they're such cute animals, he should want to look at them. To which he responds, "That's because I'm looking at how cute you are." So I got really anxious, which he saw and then he apologized, because he knows I don't like comments on my appearance, and he's sorry that he let it slip out without thinking. This is more stuff because of my past. I hate people looking at me, I don't want them to like looking at me. It makes me uncomfortable and anxious, and I get scared that... if they like what they see.. that they might make me go through the bad things I went through in the past.
So I was uneasy because of what he said, but then I also started feeling bad for making him feel bad when he was just trying to say something nice. So we ended up just silently laying in my bed until my mom came in and let us know it was time to sleep. (I still live with my parents, I'm not able to live on my own as of now)
But I didn't want him to leave, because something about him being with me makes me feel calm and even a bit happy. Or at least I feel calm and happy until I start thinking too much and my brain starts to spiral. So even though I felt anxious for a moment, it went away really quickly, when usually my brain doesn't let me calm down for a long time. So he ended up sleeping over in the guestroom because I asked him to stay and it was overall a really confusing time. Mostly because of confusing feelings.
The only other time I've let him stay overnight in the past was because my parents had gone to sleep already and I didn't want him to walk home alone at night. He lives in my neighborhood so its not far, but I want him to be safe so I told him he should just spend the night. I usually never like having anyone at home other than my parents at night, it makes me uncomfortable and I can't sleep. But for some reason, some part of me wanted him to stay. And since last time I was able to sleep, i hoped it would be fine to have him stay over again. But I ended up thinking too much and was up until 1am dwelling on a lot of feelings that I didn't know what to do with.
Again, I'm pretty sure I like him. But I don't want to like him. I know it would be okay to like him. But I don't want to because I don't know how to deal with being gay. So I was hoping that I could ignore it for however long possible really, but then that happened and I don't know what to do. Its not much that happened, but I'm guessing that means he might like me? Which scares me.. but its also not bad. I hate feeling this confused, unsure, and messed up.
After that we've been hanging out like normal, which is pretty much every day since we're neighbors. The more time I spend with him the more I'm scared that I actually like him. But I don't want to like him, I don't want to like a man. Again, even though part of me knows its not true, theres still so much of me that keeps telling me the only reasons I feel the way I feel is because of my past. I really don't want to deal with this. But not dealing with it doesn't seem to be working either. And I know I should talk to my therapist about it, probably, but the last time I tried that I had a panic attack and I don't want to do that again. I just want to not feel, but I keep feeling.
I hope that made some sense. I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe others feel the same? Maybe someone out there felt this way in the past and has figured it out? I don't know. But thats all for now, its late and I'm gonna fall asleep soon. Thanks for reading all that, if you did.