Conflicting thoughts and feelings.

Conflicting thoughts and feelings.

human 2.0

Registrant
So.. I have a lot of things to say and I'm not sure how to say them all, but I'm going to try.

I think I might be into guys and I feel really conflicted about it.
I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but at the same time, the thought of me being with a guy makes me feel gross because of the reason I'm here. I know I would have my parents' support, my mom has already told me that she doesn't care if I'm gay, all that matters is that I'm happy (I guess she already suspected I was gay before I even realized what I was feeling). But like I said, I feel conflicted. I'm probably just in denial, but part of me can't help but think, "You don't really like guys, you just think you do because you're messed up from what happened when you were little." That thought plays over, and over, and over again in my head. And I know that every source I've ever found says that's not true. But it also wouldn't make sense for me to like men, they generally terrify me because of my past. I just want to figure this out, because I've already panicked about it too much.
I'm too ashamed, anxious, and panicky to talk to anyone about it in person. I guess i was just wondering if anyone has felt the same, or if anyone has any advice.

Anyway, because of all this I was hoping that nothing would happen because I don't know what to do with my feelings, and I still don't feel like I can talk to people about it face to face, but a few weeks ago now, the guy that I'm pretty sure I like, told me he thinks I'm cute. And that made me feel really weird, anxious, and gross. We were looking at cute animal pictures and I was talking about how adorable they were, and he's looking at me and says something along the lines of "Yeah, really cute." Then I pointed out that he wasn't even looking at the pictures I'm trying to show him, and I ask him why he's not looking when they're such cute animals, he should want to look at them. To which he responds, "That's because I'm looking at how cute you are." So I got really anxious, which he saw and then he apologized, because he knows I don't like comments on my appearance, and he's sorry that he let it slip out without thinking. This is more stuff because of my past. I hate people looking at me, I don't want them to like looking at me. It makes me uncomfortable and anxious, and I get scared that... if they like what they see.. that they might make me go through the bad things I went through in the past.
So I was uneasy because of what he said, but then I also started feeling bad for making him feel bad when he was just trying to say something nice. So we ended up just silently laying in my bed until my mom came in and let us know it was time to sleep. (I still live with my parents, I'm not able to live on my own as of now)

But I didn't want him to leave, because something about him being with me makes me feel calm and even a bit happy. Or at least I feel calm and happy until I start thinking too much and my brain starts to spiral. So even though I felt anxious for a moment, it went away really quickly, when usually my brain doesn't let me calm down for a long time. So he ended up sleeping over in the guestroom because I asked him to stay and it was overall a really confusing time. Mostly because of confusing feelings.

The only other time I've let him stay overnight in the past was because my parents had gone to sleep already and I didn't want him to walk home alone at night. He lives in my neighborhood so its not far, but I want him to be safe so I told him he should just spend the night. I usually never like having anyone at home other than my parents at night, it makes me uncomfortable and I can't sleep. But for some reason, some part of me wanted him to stay. And since last time I was able to sleep, i hoped it would be fine to have him stay over again. But I ended up thinking too much and was up until 1am dwelling on a lot of feelings that I didn't know what to do with.

Again, I'm pretty sure I like him. But I don't want to like him. I know it would be okay to like him. But I don't want to because I don't know how to deal with being gay. So I was hoping that I could ignore it for however long possible really, but then that happened and I don't know what to do. Its not much that happened, but I'm guessing that means he might like me? Which scares me.. but its also not bad. I hate feeling this confused, unsure, and messed up.

After that we've been hanging out like normal, which is pretty much every day since we're neighbors. The more time I spend with him the more I'm scared that I actually like him. But I don't want to like him, I don't want to like a man. Again, even though part of me knows its not true, theres still so much of me that keeps telling me the only reasons I feel the way I feel is because of my past. I really don't want to deal with this. But not dealing with it doesn't seem to be working either. And I know I should talk to my therapist about it, probably, but the last time I tried that I had a panic attack and I don't want to do that again. I just want to not feel, but I keep feeling.

I hope that made some sense. I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe others feel the same? Maybe someone out there felt this way in the past and has figured it out? I don't know. But thats all for now, its late and I'm gonna fall asleep soon. Thanks for reading all that, if you did.
 
Yes, many of us have been where you are. I was conflicted at 15 from what had happened to me, and attracted to but scared of men. I was at a cross roads and could have become gay or strait I think, but I was not ready for love or sex relationships. I also wanted to have a family and kids, and I felt closer to girls on a personal level. However my best (only) friend Marc and I used to hang out together and one day when we had climbed up a big tree, we started talking about sex, and he asked me to show him my penis, and that if I did he would show me his, and we were both erect and that turned into masturbation together..... he would call me daily and and ask me to go over to his house and the masturbation morphed into him wanting to give me oral, anal and etc... I was less into it than he was, but I was very lonely and pretty much depressed, as my family was so dysfunctional, so I felt used, but it was better than being alone. We moved states and at 16, I decided that I did NOT want to be gay, even though I was attracted to men a bit more than women. Most of all, I wanted a loving family, because I never had one growing up. I have now been married for 40+ years with kids and grandkids and a wonderful life. I still have attraction to some men and some women, and it can be tempting, but I am married and ever faithful. I found out recently that Marc died in the AIDS epidemic, and I realized that would probably be dead now too if I had chosen to go that way. So my advice is to deal with your abuse and how it has impacted you emotionally and mentally, and to develop a vision of where you want to be as an adult. What is your vison of a successful life? When you are 50-60 years old what sort of a man do you want to be? - And to stick with that, feed that vision.

Happiness is much more than sexual gratification, it is based on finding good long term friends and for many of us a life partner and basing your marriage on shared vision and life goals, trustworthiness, and friendship. Loneliness is the result of not building long lasting relationships- a string of relationships, broken marriages, one night stands, or the like with either men or women- that is not the way to build a happy life.

Respect and love yourself, for you are the most important person that you will ever know! You have the right to be happy, but that requires a recognition of the dangers you face- sexual temptation, drugs, alcohol, etc can undermine your long term goals and vision if you are not careful. How will you behave when you get drunk or stoned? Once a behavior starts, it is very hard to stop.

You can make a difference to this world simply by building a happy and productive life for yourself, because the world after all is an aggregation of human lives, and there is far too much sadness, loneliness, pain, and abuse. As a well balanced and stable man, you can be a source of happiness and love to so many others, if that is what you desire. That man could be either gay or hetero, but trustworthiness and faithfulness will be at his core. Wishing you blessings and light along your journey.
 
You raise a topic that is much discussed on MS and can become a source of conflict. The trick is to recognize that sexual trauma when we're boys short circuits what would be our normal development. It is easy to become sexualized and then process everything we experience through the lens of sex. Since it is often older boys and men who take advantage of our innocence, if we do act out it will likely be with other boys and men. What is missing is the unfolding of a healthy relationship with our bodies and the opportunity to see what we respond to sexually as we engage with the world.

I came out of the trauma I experienced with confusion both about my gender and my sexual orientation. I was pretty messed up, truth be told... and that confusion and the driven quality of my sexual acting out caused me a great deal of pain. It wasn't until I was naked in bed with a buddy who told me he was attracted to me AND felt his beard against my cheek that I knew I wasn't gay... despite years of having had anonymous sex with men. So I don't think anyone here can discern your sexual orientation, but the fact you've experienced sexual trauma tells us you have some work to do unpacking those experiences. Hopefully, your sexual preferences and other life choices will become clearer as your healing progresses. Glad you were able to write all of this. This is what we're doing here.
 
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Yes, many of us have been where you are. I was conflicted at 15 from what had happened to me, and attracted to but scared of men. I was at a cross roads and could have become gay or strait I think, but I was not ready for love or sex relationships. I also wanted to have a family and kids, and I felt closer to girls on a personal level... We moved states and at 16, I decided that I did NOT want to be gay, even though I was attracted to men a bit more than women. Most of all, I wanted a loving family, because I never had one growing up. I have now been married for 40+ years with kids and grandkids and a wonderful life. I still have attraction to some men and some women, and it can be tempting, but I am married and ever faithful...

I don't think I'm ready for a relationship either. I just feel like a screw up and I have no idea how I could be functional in a relationship. I also don't want to be gay. I mean I don't like the idea of being close to anyone, man or woman, but men are scarier.
I'm glad you're happy and married with kids now, it sounds like its exactly what you want, and it seems like you got it.

So my advice is to deal with your abuse and how it has impacted you emotionally and mentally, and to develop a vision of where you want to be as an adult. What is your vison of a successful life? When you are 50-60 years old what sort of a man do you want to be? - And to stick with that, feed that vision.

Dealing with my past... thats something.. that I can't seem to do. I feel like I've gotten a little bit better, but thats only been in the last few months, so I feel like the last 10 years I've just been useless. I don't really have an idea of where I want to be or what I want to do. I've spent the last many years wishing I was dead, I haven't made any plans. I have no dream of where I want to be. I know I want to be happy, but I don't know what that would look like for me, where I'd want to live, what kind of a job I'd like to have, or anything. I don't even know what options are available for me. I'm finishing my last year of high school now and after that I have no idea what I'll do. To be honest, I never thought I would make it to the end oh high school, but here I am.

Happiness is much more than sexual gratification, it is based on finding good long term friends and for many of us a life partner and basing your marriage on shared vision and life goals, trustworthiness, and friendship. Loneliness is the result of not building long lasting relationships- a string of relationships, broken marriages, one night stands, or the like with either men or women- that is not the way to build a happy life.

You're right and I know that. I don't want sex or any of that, I don't even want people to look at me, the last thing I want is for them to touch me. God no I don't want anything to do with sex. No no no no no, none of that no thank you. Which is part of why I'm really confused, I'm not ready to be in a relationship of any kind, romantic or sexual I think, but I still feel the way I feel and I don't want to feel the way I feel.

Respect and love yourself, for you are the most important person that you will ever know! You have the right to be happy, but that requires a recognition of the dangers you face- sexual temptation, drugs, alcohol, etc can undermine your long term goals and vision if you are not careful. How will you behave when you get drunk or stoned? Once a behavior starts, it is very hard to stop.

I know thats what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to love myself. I hate my brain and I hate my body. My brain won't let me move on and my body makes me feel disgusting. And I don't think any of those are things that will affect me. Like I said, sex is terrifying, being physically close to another person is terrifying. I don't have any temptation to do anything sexual, I'm scared of other people having sexual urges and temptations though... Drugs and alcohol are also a no go, I don't want to lose control of by body, I don't want to wake up somewhere and have no idea what happened. Plus my brain is already messed up enough as it is, I don't want to screw it up any more.

You can make a difference to this world simply by building a happy and productive life for yourself, because the world after all is an aggregation of human lives, and there is far too much sadness, loneliness, pain, and abuse. As a well balanced and stable man, you can be a source of happiness and love to so many others, if that is what you desire. That man could be either gay or hetero, but trustworthiness and faithfulness will be at his core. Wishing you blessings and light along your journey.

Its also not that I think being gay is bad, I know its not. Its just that part of me keeps thinking that I only like men because it was a man that did the bad things to me. And again, I know its not supposed to work like that, but my brain keeps telling me thats the case, and I hate it.
 
For me I dealt with my sexual orientation before I dealt with the abuse. For me I knew I was gay in like 13 but thought or guess hoped it was a phase. As I got older I knew it was not a phase but I didn’t want to be gay mainly because I felt I would disgrace my family. My whole life I now realize has been pleasing them and others never me. I reached the point I felt it was better to die than come out. Again my issue was being a disgrace.

I dont think the abuse was a factor cause mine involved both sexes though was more extreme with same sex. However I know it impacted me in other ways sexually. But I truly believe my sexuality was how I was born.

nowi regret not coming out sooner though I did have to seek counseling before I came out. Now i am working on the abuse and again wish I had started this sooner. I guess all I am trying to say is seek happiness and don’t like try to overthink things which I know is easier said than done. Talk things out and know there is support here. Way better to work on things at a younger age than repressing things.
 
I admire you for your openness and honesty and for questioning things. I wish I had been able to do that when I was 15 years old. You will figure it out- and you will be faithful to yourself. So take it slowly and relax, it will all become apparent in time. You will live a long life so try your best to get it right. If you believe in a higher power pray before you meditate on this and that will help. This horrible abuse needs to stop- it has created so many needless victims. Stay safe and hopeful my friend, a wonderful life is in store for you.
 
Hi, I’m just a few years older than you and I know what you mean. It’s pretty confusing. Actually very confusing. I’m not sure I’d be different if bad things didn’t happen too, and not sure to me if that makes a difference in the long run. I just know it adds confusion.
And yea. Unless I feel safe things don’t work when I’m with people who are attracted to me. Anyway I’m pretty new too and still finding my way. Good luck to u!
 
We all have imagination. Imagine what you would like your life to be 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years in the future. And then ask yourself whether the step you take today, whether the decision you make today advances toward that life or away from it. The point is that no matter how indecisive you feel, no matter how confused you think you are, you are in control. You and you alone are the world's foremost expert on what you want.
 
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So.. I have a lot of things to say and I'm not sure how to say them all, but I'm going to try.

I think I might be into guys and I feel really conflicted about it.
I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but at the same time, the thought of me being with a guy makes me feel gross because of the reason I'm here. I know I would have my parents' support, my mom has already told me that she doesn't care if I'm gay, all that matters is that I'm happy (I guess she already suspected I was gay before I even realized what I was feeling). But like I said, I feel conflicted. I'm probably just in denial, but part of me can't help but think, "You don't really like guys, you just think you do because you're messed up from what happened when you were little." That thought plays over, and over, and over again in my head. And I know that every source I've ever found says that's not true. But it also wouldn't make sense for me to like men, they generally terrify me because of my past. I just want to figure this out, because I've already panicked about it too much.
I'm too ashamed, anxious, and panicky to talk to anyone about it in person. I guess i was just wondering if anyone has felt the same, or if anyone has any advice.

Anyway, because of all this I was hoping that nothing would happen because I don't know what to do with my feelings, and I still don't feel like I can talk to people about it face to face, but a few weeks ago now, the guy that I'm pretty sure I like, told me he thinks I'm cute. And that made me feel really weird, anxious, and gross. We were looking at cute animal pictures and I was talking about how adorable they were, and he's looking at me and says something along the lines of "Yeah, really cute." Then I pointed out that he wasn't even looking at the pictures I'm trying to show him, and I ask him why he's not looking when they're such cute animals, he should want to look at them. To which he responds, "That's because I'm looking at how cute you are." So I got really anxious, which he saw and then he apologized, because he knows I don't like comments on my appearance, and he's sorry that he let it slip out without thinking. This is more stuff because of my past. I hate people looking at me, I don't want them to like looking at me. It makes me uncomfortable and anxious, and I get scared that... if they like what they see.. that they might make me go through the bad things I went through in the past.
So I was uneasy because of what he said, but then I also started feeling bad for making him feel bad when he was just trying to say something nice. So we ended up just silently laying in my bed until my mom came in and let us know it was time to sleep. (I still live with my parents, I'm not able to live on my own as of now)

But I didn't want him to leave, because something about him being with me makes me feel calm and even a bit happy. Or at least I feel calm and happy until I start thinking too much and my brain starts to spiral. So even though I felt anxious for a moment, it went away really quickly, when usually my brain doesn't let me calm down for a long time. So he ended up sleeping over in the guestroom because I asked him to stay and it was overall a really confusing time. Mostly because of confusing feelings.

The only other time I've let him stay overnight in the past was because my parents had gone to sleep already and I didn't want him to walk home alone at night. He lives in my neighborhood so its not far, but I want him to be safe so I told him he should just spend the night. I usually never like having anyone at home other than my parents at night, it makes me uncomfortable and I can't sleep. But for some reason, some part of me wanted him to stay. And since last time I was able to sleep, i hoped it would be fine to have him stay over again. But I ended up thinking too much and was up until 1am dwelling on a lot of feelings that I didn't know what to do with.

Again, I'm pretty sure I like him. But I don't want to like him. I know it would be okay to like him. But I don't want to because I don't know how to deal with being gay. So I was hoping that I could ignore it for however long possible really, but then that happened and I don't know what to do. Its not much that happened, but I'm guessing that means he might like me? Which scares me.. but its also not bad. I hate feeling this confused, unsure, and messed up.

After that we've been hanging out like normal, which is pretty much every day since we're neighbors. The more time I spend with him the more I'm scared that I actually like him. But I don't want to like him, I don't want to like a man. Again, even though part of me knows its not true, theres still so much of me that keeps telling me the only reasons I feel the way I feel is because of my past. I really don't want to deal with this. But not dealing with it doesn't seem to be working either. And I know I should talk to my therapist about it, probably, but the last time I tried that I had a panic attack and I don't want to do that again. I just want to not feel, but I keep feeling.

I hope that made some sense. I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe others feel the same? Maybe someone out there felt this way in the past and has figured it out? I don't know. But thats all for now, its late and I'm gonna fall asleep soon. Thanks for reading all that, if you did.
 
This makes a lot of sense - it's your experience, and it's valid. My take is that you are fighting within your mind because it's most likely what society has conditioned you to do. But you said two very important things about this other person. He makes you "calm" and he makes you "happy" and that is HUGE! And whether you like it or not, you have emotionally bonded with him, and that is great.

Whatever your past, if you can bond with another adult in a healthy way, and develop that calm happiness, that comes from who you are at your core. It would be a great tragedy to allow your past abuser to reach out into your brain and keep you from being happy. It may be this person, it may another person. But happy and calm is awesome.

I really have to encourage you to make an appointment with a licensed qualified counselor, and create that safe relationship with them so you can work towards honestly with them, and yourself.

But if this person makes you safe and happy, what better gifts are those? And if you let something happen, allow yourself to feel the joy.
 
Yes, many of us have been where you are. I was conflicted at 15 from what had happened to me, and attracted to but scared of men. I was at a cross roads and could have become gay or strait I think, but I was not ready for love or sex relationships. I also wanted to have a family and kids, and I felt closer to girls on a personal level. However my best (only) friend Marc and I used to hang out together and one day when we had climbed up a big tree, we started talking about sex, and he asked me to show him my penis, and that if I did he would show me his, and we were both erect and that turned into masturbation together..... he would call me daily and and ask me to go over to his house and the masturbation morphed into him wanting to give me oral, anal and etc... I was less into it than he was, but I was very lonely and pretty much depressed, as my family was so dysfunctional, so I felt used, but it was better than being alone. We moved states and at 16, I decided that I did NOT want to be gay, even though I was attracted to men a bit more than women. Most of all, I wanted a loving family, because I never had one growing up. I have now been married for 40+ years with kids and grandkids and a wonderful life. I still have attraction to some men and some women, and it can be tempting, but I am married and ever faithful. I found out recently that Marc died in the AIDS epidemic, and I realized that would probably be dead now too if I had chosen to go that way. So my advice is to deal with your abuse and how it has impacted you emotionally and mentally, and to develop a vision of where you want to be as an adult. What is your vison of a successful life? When you are 50-60 years old what sort of a man do you want to be? - And to stick with that, feed that vision.

Happiness is much more than sexual gratification, it is based on finding good long term friends and for many of us a life partner and basing your marriage on shared vision and life goals, trustworthiness, and friendship. Loneliness is the result of not building long lasting relationships- a string of relationships, broken marriages, one night stands, or the like with either men or women- that is not the way to build a happy life.

Respect and love yourself, for you are the most important person that you will ever know! You have the right to be happy, but that requires a recognition of the dangers you face- sexual temptation, drugs, alcohol, etc can undermine your long term goals and vision if you are not careful. How will you behave when you get drunk or stoned? Once a behavior starts, it is very hard to stop.

You can make a difference to this world simply by building a happy and productive life for yourself, because the world after all is an aggregation of human lives, and there is far too much sadness, loneliness, pain, and abuse. As a well balanced and stable man, you can be a source of happiness and love to so many others, if that is what you desire. That man could be either gay or hetero, but trustworthiness and faithfulness will be at his core. Wishing you blessings and light along your journey.
Wow, 10 more years of marriage than me! That is so wonderful! Sometimes it's hard keep things together, but sometimes I find myself looking at boys in a sexual manner which I know is not good but it has been imprinted on my brain to seek out other naked boys because of the abuse and bullying I had to endure for so long. There are times I would love to turn my sexual drive right off because of my thoughts, but that I can't getdone. I really wish I had a friend growing up where we could share personal secrets between us, try swimming naked, whatever, but any of my so callled "friends" were totally untrustworthy and full of taking whatever they can from me.
 
Thanks Human for posting this topic and Andy for your comments as they both resonate with where I am now. I am married to a woman and have always enjoyed dating girls before I got married but the past few years I have become more into bi and gay porn and the male body. I dont feel gay really but then question myself. I think I may have a physical attraction for men but do not ever desire an emotional relationship. I am just thankful I am not alone as I have read others post the same.
 
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