Confessional of a codependent ex-partner
Those of you who've read my most recent post to the Madonna-Whore thread will know that my ex b/f and I are no longer together. You'll also know that I've been feeling pretty good about the considerable progress and growth I've managed to achieve in working on my own stuff and coming to terms with **what is** as opposed to what I wanted or believed **could be**.
My attachment to him is very much akin to an addiction, but over the past several months--and the past 3 in particular--my determination to overcome my own codependence has proven to be stronger.
Perhaps I was beginning to feel a little too "safe" in all this, cos' over the past 10 days or so I've suddenly been inundated by a variety of "triggers" that have increasingly challenged my sense of fortitude and clarity in "staying the course." Nonetheless I was still feeling relatively clear and stable when he returned to town for the week this past Sunday evening (as I'd known he would). I should also mention here that he only lives about 300' away, so when he's in town he can't help but be driving past my place (which used to be *our* place) anytime he's driving anywhere.
Before going further, I had considered that this might not be an appropriate choice of forum for this post, since the struggle I wish to share here is not about HIM, HIS issues, nor about being in relationship with him. It's about me, my own issues and my challenges with developing a new, much healthier and more promising relationship with myself. Still, this forum is as much about partners sorting their own stuff out, as it is about being in relationships with survivors, so perhaps what I'm struggling with today will be of some value here after all. If nothing else, I could really use your feedback and support!
Anyway, I do get impatient with myself over the fact that I always find myself feeling much stronger, more relaxed and peaceful when my ex is on the road than when he's in town. I am eager for the day when I won't be affected one way or the other by such things. For now though, it remains a challenge (and no less so given that not only does he live just around the corner, but I work at a bar with a lifelong friend of his that he likes to drop in and see every once in a while...leaves me secretly looking over my shoulder whenever I know he's in town, though so far I've managed to avoid him).
Despite all the triggers (or potential triggers) of the past several days, I was doing okay until yesterday morning, when a local surrogate "aunt" of his daughter's sent me some recent pix she'd had taken of his daughter. I found the poses and even the attire in them disturbing...there was something subtly sexually suggestive in them and the girl's not quite 10. I'm certain this "aunt" intended no such thing, but felt compelled to write her back, as respectfully and diplomatically as possible, to let her know about my discomfort with the photos and why they struck me the way they did.
Assuming, correctly, that she had also sent those pix to my ex, I knew he'd go ballistic. I was concerned that he wouldn't handle the situation well and that his daughter would end up feeling like she'd done something wrong, hearing nasty, angry things about her beloved "aunty," and that the whole situation would leave her in a very confusing and upsetting no man's land. (Trust me on this.) Sooo...I decided to email him about all of this and offered to make myself available should he be interested in my thoughts/suggestions for talking with his daughter about it, assuming he would want to do so. (I have raised two very exceptional and together young ladies myself--now both in their 20's--and over the years we were together he would often ask for my input on important matters concerning his daughter.)
But as soon as I hit that "Send" button yesterday, I regretted it. Too late. Suddenly I was confronted with a growing suspicion that my motives weren't all that altruistic after all, and that, at least subconsciously, what I was really after was some kind of reconnection with him...a "fix" of hearing from him/seeing him, even though rationally I know that's about as wise as it would be to inject myself with crack cocaine.
Well, he emailed me today saying he'd appreciate any input I may have to offer, that his daughter is here visiting him, and to give them a shout. I felt comforted, relieved, terrified, trapped (in a situation of my own making--and so guilty as well), and generally like: "Okay, how the hell am I going to get out of this?" Just not respond after initiating the contact and the offer in the first place? Try to stay focussed on what I might have to offer in the way of suggestions as to how best to deal with what is now a really ugly situation between he and the "aunt"?
The more I considered my options, the more stuck I felt...and dishonest about my real motives, with myself not least of all! Suddenly, I couldn't (still can't) remember a damn thing that I'd thought to suggest yesterday when I'd emailed him. All I could envision was going to meet with him, ostensibly to discuss concerns to do with his daughter, only to find myself breaking down into torrents of tears, overwhelmed with that old grief, heartache and longing that has everything to do with our past and nothing to do with his daughter at all. I further became aware of an unhealthy, codependent fear that by changing my mind and not following through on my offer, perhaps by not even responding at all, he would find that reason to denigrate me/view me in a bad light (something he may do at times already for all I know).
In the end I opted to call him, offer what few thoughts I could muster about the matter at hand (his daughter, her aunt, the pix, etc), and leave it at that. (I should add that the aunt has gone completely into orbit about this, blown it entirely out of proportion and is now sending both he and I what could only be called hate mail. Believe me, I rue having said anything at all, given that I don't believe it'll change a thing as far as his daughter is concerned.)
Well, our conversation was one of like-minds (given that we stayed to the concern at issue) and felt like one between close friends. It ended with him asking if I'd like to go swimming with he and his daughter this evening, me politely declining, and then his asking me to call again later if any more thoughts came to mind.
I'm not going to call him. And I'm proud of myself for not accepting his invitation to go swimming with them. It would have been uncomfortable for all and, no matter how it went, would only have reopened old wounds. At least for me. As I noted in my last post, I've had enough reality checks with him by now to know better. It's kinda like being on the wagon, knowing that as much appeal as taking "just a sip" might have in the moment, it's a recipe for disaster and for undoing all the hard-earned strides one's made so far.
Still, I certainly wish at times like this that things were different. Regardless, it's a lesson in humility for me and a reminder that letting go and recovery is a *process*, not something one just necessarily "gets" one day and then you're in the clear. What I would want from him he does not have to give. What I *need* is to continue being honest with myself, first and foremost.
A rune's counsel comes to mind here: "Set your house in order, tend to business, be clear, and wait on the will of heaven."
Peace all,
Stride
My attachment to him is very much akin to an addiction, but over the past several months--and the past 3 in particular--my determination to overcome my own codependence has proven to be stronger.
Perhaps I was beginning to feel a little too "safe" in all this, cos' over the past 10 days or so I've suddenly been inundated by a variety of "triggers" that have increasingly challenged my sense of fortitude and clarity in "staying the course." Nonetheless I was still feeling relatively clear and stable when he returned to town for the week this past Sunday evening (as I'd known he would). I should also mention here that he only lives about 300' away, so when he's in town he can't help but be driving past my place (which used to be *our* place) anytime he's driving anywhere.
Before going further, I had considered that this might not be an appropriate choice of forum for this post, since the struggle I wish to share here is not about HIM, HIS issues, nor about being in relationship with him. It's about me, my own issues and my challenges with developing a new, much healthier and more promising relationship with myself. Still, this forum is as much about partners sorting their own stuff out, as it is about being in relationships with survivors, so perhaps what I'm struggling with today will be of some value here after all. If nothing else, I could really use your feedback and support!
Anyway, I do get impatient with myself over the fact that I always find myself feeling much stronger, more relaxed and peaceful when my ex is on the road than when he's in town. I am eager for the day when I won't be affected one way or the other by such things. For now though, it remains a challenge (and no less so given that not only does he live just around the corner, but I work at a bar with a lifelong friend of his that he likes to drop in and see every once in a while...leaves me secretly looking over my shoulder whenever I know he's in town, though so far I've managed to avoid him).
Despite all the triggers (or potential triggers) of the past several days, I was doing okay until yesterday morning, when a local surrogate "aunt" of his daughter's sent me some recent pix she'd had taken of his daughter. I found the poses and even the attire in them disturbing...there was something subtly sexually suggestive in them and the girl's not quite 10. I'm certain this "aunt" intended no such thing, but felt compelled to write her back, as respectfully and diplomatically as possible, to let her know about my discomfort with the photos and why they struck me the way they did.
Assuming, correctly, that she had also sent those pix to my ex, I knew he'd go ballistic. I was concerned that he wouldn't handle the situation well and that his daughter would end up feeling like she'd done something wrong, hearing nasty, angry things about her beloved "aunty," and that the whole situation would leave her in a very confusing and upsetting no man's land. (Trust me on this.) Sooo...I decided to email him about all of this and offered to make myself available should he be interested in my thoughts/suggestions for talking with his daughter about it, assuming he would want to do so. (I have raised two very exceptional and together young ladies myself--now both in their 20's--and over the years we were together he would often ask for my input on important matters concerning his daughter.)
But as soon as I hit that "Send" button yesterday, I regretted it. Too late. Suddenly I was confronted with a growing suspicion that my motives weren't all that altruistic after all, and that, at least subconsciously, what I was really after was some kind of reconnection with him...a "fix" of hearing from him/seeing him, even though rationally I know that's about as wise as it would be to inject myself with crack cocaine.
Well, he emailed me today saying he'd appreciate any input I may have to offer, that his daughter is here visiting him, and to give them a shout. I felt comforted, relieved, terrified, trapped (in a situation of my own making--and so guilty as well), and generally like: "Okay, how the hell am I going to get out of this?" Just not respond after initiating the contact and the offer in the first place? Try to stay focussed on what I might have to offer in the way of suggestions as to how best to deal with what is now a really ugly situation between he and the "aunt"?
The more I considered my options, the more stuck I felt...and dishonest about my real motives, with myself not least of all! Suddenly, I couldn't (still can't) remember a damn thing that I'd thought to suggest yesterday when I'd emailed him. All I could envision was going to meet with him, ostensibly to discuss concerns to do with his daughter, only to find myself breaking down into torrents of tears, overwhelmed with that old grief, heartache and longing that has everything to do with our past and nothing to do with his daughter at all. I further became aware of an unhealthy, codependent fear that by changing my mind and not following through on my offer, perhaps by not even responding at all, he would find that reason to denigrate me/view me in a bad light (something he may do at times already for all I know).
In the end I opted to call him, offer what few thoughts I could muster about the matter at hand (his daughter, her aunt, the pix, etc), and leave it at that. (I should add that the aunt has gone completely into orbit about this, blown it entirely out of proportion and is now sending both he and I what could only be called hate mail. Believe me, I rue having said anything at all, given that I don't believe it'll change a thing as far as his daughter is concerned.)
Well, our conversation was one of like-minds (given that we stayed to the concern at issue) and felt like one between close friends. It ended with him asking if I'd like to go swimming with he and his daughter this evening, me politely declining, and then his asking me to call again later if any more thoughts came to mind.
I'm not going to call him. And I'm proud of myself for not accepting his invitation to go swimming with them. It would have been uncomfortable for all and, no matter how it went, would only have reopened old wounds. At least for me. As I noted in my last post, I've had enough reality checks with him by now to know better. It's kinda like being on the wagon, knowing that as much appeal as taking "just a sip" might have in the moment, it's a recipe for disaster and for undoing all the hard-earned strides one's made so far.
Still, I certainly wish at times like this that things were different. Regardless, it's a lesson in humility for me and a reminder that letting go and recovery is a *process*, not something one just necessarily "gets" one day and then you're in the clear. What I would want from him he does not have to give. What I *need* is to continue being honest with myself, first and foremost.
A rune's counsel comes to mind here: "Set your house in order, tend to business, be clear, and wait on the will of heaven."
Peace all,
Stride
