Confession....

Confession....
D

donnie_darko

New Registrant
I must have been 7 or 8 years old. It's difficult to really pin-point but I remember I must have been in grade 3 because my family and I moved to a new town later in that year.

I was sexually abused by a boy whose parents were good friends of my parents. I cant remember how many times it happened; I just know it was multiple times. It included pretty much the whole trip anal, oral etc.

I am 25 now, going on 26. I have had quite a bit of time to reflect on the fuck up this then kid himself (he must have been 16 or so) perpetrated on me and some of the effects. I am only really starting to understand some of the consequences these events have had on my life now.

While I am very, very pissed off that what happened occurred and that its basically thrown my life into a complete mess of a whirling maelstrom, I dont really blame him which makes it even harder for me I WANT TO BLAME SOMEONE.

About 2 years ago I found out that his mother used to chase him and his sister around the dining room table with a kitchen knife Charming behaviour She was and is still an alcoholic. I found all this out because my Mom told me that she had been sent to a mental hospital in the city I now live in. I subsequently also found out that he is now gay and a veterinarian and he moved to London.

I think I must be maturing or having a supremely lucid moment. Taking all this into consideration as much as I want to hate him and blame him I cant.

I cant blame myself either But I also know I could have told someone and I didnt, I also remember enjoying some of it, plus and heres the absolfuckinglutely worst part: I dont think he ever told me not to tell!!! I just didnt.

The impact of what these events in my early childhood have done to me in later life is not all that easy to understand or measure, but the gist of it is:

1.) I had a fucking crap school life because of it
2.) Developed a very poor self image (which I still struggle with)
3.) I still dont know If I am gay or straight
4.) I am moody and often feel frustrated and depressed for no reason
5.) I cant bring myself to love anyone but my family
6.) I only have a very small circle of friends (male only)
7.) I feel alone
8.) I am very compulsive

All this means that I live quite a shallow life, I worked very hard in my early twenties and made a success of my career, I drive fancy cars, live in a nice house, I go to fancy restaurants and I am still alone, unfulfilled and empty. So now that I have eventually worked out that making money is not going to solve any of these problems, I have gotten into a really self destructive pattern of NOT working as much as possible and of over spending on things I dont need and very often dont even want.

The paradox is: I am one of the more eligible bachelors out there but I cant bring myself to go out with anyone (as soon as someone tries to set me up I break out in a cold sweat and freak out). I havent ever had sex since the abuse.

I tried therapy a few years ago, went to a woman She basically told me its in the past and that I really need to deal with my sexual confusion no shit.

I dont think I am looking for sympathy I am actually not sure what I want, but I need to work out a few things and this seems to be a good place to start.

Some comments and constructive advice would be greatly appreciated; I have been trying to work out what to do (reading stuff on the net etc.) But I would really like some real world advice. Go see a shrink while I think its important is something that I really dont want to do again just yet.
 
Donnie, Welcome. You've come to the right place...a place where you will be instantly understood and be met with honesty, caring and concern. I sound like an advertisement for the place, but I couldn't be more sincere. You'll go from wandering why you're the way you are to pretty much understanding the "why", and moving on to the "what now?" This place will not do it for you, but it sure is a great place to come when the frustration is getting the best of you and when you need to talk to someone who genuinely cares and really does understand. We're sorry that this has all happened to you and that you have a reason to be here, but we're glad you've found us. And, remember, none of it was your fault...none of it. Bobby
 
hello donnie:

welcome to the site. i find it to be really helpful for we survivors. know that your experience and the legacy it has left you with are not unique. many of us struggle/deal with the same issues in our daily lives. keep coming here, share what you can, and consider finding another therapist. you cant assume that the first one you see will be the right one for you.

i wish you well in your healing my friend. and, know that what was done to you was not your fault. you were only a child. best wishes,


bec :)
 
Aaah, school. Now, THAT's a topic. How messed up was my school life because of the SA! Trust me, you're not weird, you're not strange. I think most of us here can relate to or have dealt with all 8 of your observations. Self image, same-sex attraction, ask my wife or any of my friends about "moody", extending love and trust to others, feeling so alone dealing with all of this--I've felt and fought with it all. Our struggle is to feel normal after having something so abnormal done to us.

We're glad you've found this place. It's encouraging and comforting to know you're not alone. There's a whole bunch of men here who understand.
 
Donnie,

I'm absolutly astounded how similar our stories are.
I was also abused at about 8 by the son of a friend of the family. He was around 14 or so I think. There are times when I'm so fucking enraged at him and others when I can say to myself "What the fuck must have been done to him that this was a viable option" and I can't bring myself to be mad.

Working on the self blame thing is terrible for me as well. I can't recall him ever saying "don't tell anyone" either, but I didn't. Getting my head around that is taking some doing. One think that helps me a little is when I see kids that age and I realize just how little they know and how trusting they are. That makes me sadder and madder, but helps to get through my head that I don't hold any blame.

I'm know well the poor self image thing. I'm told I'm particularly harsh on myself, but it all just seems like honest self assessment to me.

I'm struggling with the sexual identity thing too. What a damn cluster fuck that one is eh?

Moody and depressed. If you throw in ragefully angry and you've pretty much described me through most of my day.

Trust is vital for love, or so I am told. And trust is something that is fundamentally and hugely damaged by being abused. Trust is something that comes incredibly difficult for survivors. There are about four people on this planet that I even come close to loving or truelly trusting, and even with them I'm terribly hesitant.

I have a few larger circles of friends, and I am truly, truly fortunate to have them. Most of 'em are guys and the few gals are hooked up with the guys or other fellas, which is how I met nearly all of them. I'm just no damn good with girs and I don't know why.

The lonliness and compulsivness are things I struggle with too. The lonliness I tend to combat by hanging out with my friends a large amount of time. It doesn't really allieveate it, but it distracts me from it for awhile so I'll take it.

As for the compuslsiveness, I'm lost on that one too.

A shrink can be helpful Donnie, but only if you're ready. Meantime, this is no substitute for therapy but it's an awesome place none the less. Welcome.

-Eric
 
well shit.....This is my first time on here...finally nice not to feel alone.
reading Donnie's note was like looking at myself in the mirror.

I am a bit unsure in here, but one thing that I read really hit me hard.
"But I also know I could have told someone and I didnt, I also remember enjoying some of it, plus and heres the absolfuckinglutely worst part: I dont think he ever told me not to tell!!! I just didnt."
MFer. I felt/feel the same way.

People say I have it all, great job, money,...but this empty feeling inside sucks so fucking much..that I would give it all up in a second to have had a childhood that didn't involve "him".

And what the $%@$%^ is wrong with people that say "time to move on and put it past you?" That gem came from my Dad. So many thoughts..so fucked up.

I am sure I will be back..it really is nice to know others are out there.
-P
 
Hi All, I have been away for a while, but am back. A while back I read in a book about rape, that a person who has been raped almost immediately starts to feel shame. It is this shame that stopped you from telling. So try to stop beating yourselves up over not telling.
A short web page on male rape. https://www.rapecrisiscenter.com/Male%20Rape%20Info%20Sheet.html
 
Donnie,
New here too, but profoundly moved by your post. The thing that struck me is how close you seen to be "tracking" your perpetrator, since you know his "moves:. Is he still around or a part some what of your life? That concerns me for you.
Next you talk of all the "things" you have in live: and, I smile a bit because that has been a way for you too cope. Have nice things and you are a better person, right? You got a good coping skill, not a self destructive one like drinkning, drug abuse, or self injury which happens to many. I got slef loathing and isolation. I am afraid to be around people. I don't trust many folks for good reason, we can talk about that latter. The loneliness that generates is palpable most days for me.

You had asked for advise. Well, that comes with your willingness to hear all the different stories you find here and then talking with those with whom you "feel" connected. There is no one answer to use in dealing with your abuse, but there are many of us here willing to talk about how we think you might take your next step. Choose only what works for you and let the rest go by as whispers of hope toward your recovery. It will take time. Sometimes lots of time.

The eight things you have listed is like a laundry list of symptoms you and I both share. Perhaps as a result of SA and our ache to fit somewhere in life. Weather you are gay or straight love shouldn't be defined by gender but by comfort. That you can decide later. Just know you are not alone and many here care and support you. You can always PM any Board Member or me if you wish with your concerns.

You are here among brothers who care. Your message is being heard now and I think even the universe will respond positively one way or the other. Best wishes on your recovery.

Ric
 
wow.....I didn't see this before......just, wow man. This is SO much like my own past.....I've just barely started to confront it though, you're definitely farther along than I am.

Usually I think I kinda have my shit together, or at least LOOK like I do.......but all of this is really throwing me for a loop. Hope you'll hang around, you're definitely not alone. I'm not mad at my SA either, and he still lives nearby, and I'm constantly ignoring that......and yeah, sorta feel like I should be blaming someone, and it should be him, and I should be angry about this or something.....but I'm not.

Anyway.......yeah, keep at it, you'll get there. You're on the right track now at least, found this place for SOME reason. Hope you'll post again when you're able to.
 
LostinPA: In response to your post.

It's not that I am tracking the guy who did what he did to me on purpose.

It's just funny that every now and then I get told some information about him in passing. My blood generally runs cold in that instant. Not because I am scared, just because of the negative impact he had on my life.

I'm in South Africa, he's now in the UK. One day when it's convenient, I think I'll make a point of trying to meet with him. If I ask him some questions it may put a lot of my angst to sleep. It may however, piss me off even more...

When I think about it, he's a fly in my world if I really wanted to I could squash him, but as I have mentioned before, I am over hating him and hold no malice toward him.

All I want from him is an apology... I need to give him and myself that opportunity at some point.

--DD--
 
Donnie,
Apologies, wow, you are evolved. Both my parents are dead so I can't get apologies from them. The guys in the orphanage on the other hand I would be too nervous to consider seeing them let alone seek an apology. I know how second hand information about our abusers can swing through our life unexpectedly. That happened to me a few months ago and man was that horrible. Flashbacks and anxiety for a couple days. Standing by to help you squash your abuser any time you might need a word of encouragement. Thanks for you reply.
 
I have found all you have said to be true in my experience also with one exception I did tell and was not believed. Of course, I was 2 and the male babysitter was 12. I didn't say anything more through 11 more years of fun for someone and I admit that it felt good to me at times too. (My final perp. used this in the end, when I was 13 he told me he could not do this for me anymore. This was my Pat. Grandfather). You know, one time my mother called me and believe me, she expected an immediate response, but I coundn't at the time, you see granddaddy was taking care of bussiness. He heard her, but he did't care what happened to me and didn't let me go. Like he said, he could do with me as he wished. He did walk by at some distance as mamma was disiplining me in her usual rather painful manner. I assume to make sure I didn't talk or to encourage me not to talk as if mamma would waste time speaking to a peon.
I have had the reverse also happen my brother, 6 years younger accusing me. I receive the usual painful disipline without question or accusation. This went on for some time.
So it may not have mattered whether you told or not. It may have just added to your baggage. By the way, it was none of the people above that I told, it was the only person I trusted in the whole world, my maternal grandmother. You see I seem to have closed myself up in an old fridge while playing hide and seek and went uncouncious and just got confused about it. At least that's how the adjusted story goes. You see I was confused (or my mother's terms stupid, dumb, fool, etc.). The fridge was to help me with my attitude, so to speak. I was amazingly cooperative. As my babysitter said, he could kill me anytime he wanted to and get away with it, which my grandmother had just proved to me. If I was hesitant to perform for him or his friends back to the fridge or some other form of torture to refresh my memory and sometimes just for fun.
One thing I found interesting, I seem to put out stools that stop up johns to this day. I seemed to be always bleeding from my anus when I was a child. There was discussion of taking me to the doctor, but nothing came of it.
I find myself far more angry at the hypocrisy of the family than at the perps. It may have been different for you. I was positive that my grandmother would believe me until she didn't. From that point forward, it was like moving from one age to another.From hope and help to oblivion So don't feel bad that you didn't say anything, if you did it may not have helped and because you didn'd does not mean you asked for it. May God help us all.
 
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