Confession, and request for safety advice

Confession, and request for safety advice
L

Leosha

Registrant
I've been doing some things to hurt myself for few days. I am realizing right now how much it hurts other people, good people who care about me, when I do that. When I get to that place, it feels so beyond me, out of control of me, that all I can do is hurt myself, or make someone else do it. I don't want to do that. I want help. I want to get better, and not do that. I sometime think of things I can do to stop it, but sometime it just go to far that I can not stop it, or change anything. What steps can I take? What, if anything, can I do to stop it from getting to the point of hurting myself, and by that, hurting others? Often, I still do not think much of hurting myself. But my girlfriend, and some other friends, make me realize that it hurts them also, and I feel bad of that, I do not want to hurt no one. What do people do to stay safe of themselves? :(

leosha
 
there have been points where i have harmed my self, so i can understand where you are coming from. i was taught to forgive, to not harm others, so i guess when i needed somewhere to lash out, it was at my self.

Leo, there are reasons you are doing this. to stop doing it you must find and adress those issues. i feel like we are in the same boat with this, except my has turned to lashing out at others in fits of rage instead of at my self. it is like things build up inside until they come exploding out in unhealthy ways. the way to adress it is to catch it early, when you can still release it in a better way.

My T has me slowing down, evaluating things as they happen to me. i am writing down the ones that upset me, and every couple of hours i make an attempt to deal with or at least acknowledge that they have bothered me, and remind myself that sometimes there is nothing i can do about them. then each day before i walk out the door, i wad that list up, tell myself my family doesnt deserve it, and i don't, and i throw it away, symbolicly leaving my problems here at work. finally i take a few moments to remind myself to leave it here, to relax and put my mind at ease before i go home.

if you can find some way of releasing your pain in small pieces instead of this acting out, it will help reduce your need for the act.

we all have things we do to cope with life, some are simply healthier than others. it would be great if you could perhaps redirect all of this in another way, writing, working out, beating a tree with a bat, instead of self-harm. clearly, i'm not a therapist, but i have been where you are, and i know that you need to direct that energy somewhere better. it isn't easy, but you can do it.

jeff
 
Jeff has been telling me this in one way or another over and over again and I think I'm finally getting it--forgiveness.

Forgiving myself.

I have hated myself for being the way that I was and for the way that I am. But none of it was my fault.

Its okay to be angry. It is natural to feel anger. Its justified.

I tend, however, to turn that anger inside often (instead of using some of it up in the ways Jeff suggested). I don't deserve turning it inside. I don't deserve thinking I am not worth feeling good about myself. I don't deserve wanting to hurt myself (and, consequently hurting those I care about).

I read just about everything you post here though I don't often post replies. I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the pain you are feeling. I don't want you to continue to feel that depth of pain. I want you to find some relief, to find some soothing things you can do for yourself. I know, for myself that that is often difficult but when I manage it, it is such a relief.

But your here and despite the pain you are feeling I think there is hope in what you write too. That fact that I post here means I think that I have hope for change, belief that things can change.

I hadn't written any poetry for a long, long time before I found MS. It was something I really missed, a way of letting out and expressing things I couldn't express in any other way.

It was something that you wrote quite a while ago about skating that inspired my first one and I have continued from there.

The city here has converted an old railway depot here into a public indoor skating rink. The area where people used to board trains has been enclosed with glass walls.

I have walked by there on my to therapy, seen the skaters and thought of you, skating hard, building up endorphin levels until your spirit floats high and free.
 
Leo,

There's very little I can add to what the brothers above have told you.

Like them, and like you in fact, I'm dealing with the same things myself. The strange thing is that I wasn't aware of it until my therapist pointed out I was "hurting" myself emotionally. It seems that I felt the same sense of not deserving to feel good, but I was acting out a different way.

Leo, she told me I need to be gentle with myself, to remember how GOOD a person I am, and that I'm NOT what my abusers told me I am. I think you need to remind yourself of this every time the negative emotions come through. I don't think you know how good you are, how valuable to a lot of people you are, and what you've given to so many of us. Look at how far you've come, my dear friend. You aren't the sum total of what's happened to you, believe me. You are BETTER than that. You are FINER than most people walking around out there.

Whenever the urge comes up, Leo, take a moment, breathe. and tell yourself, "I'm NOT going to do this!" In short, STOP the negative thoughts. It may last for a day, or only a minute, but when you STOP the thoughts, you are CONTROLLING them, not the other way round.

Please, PLEASE, know that we're all here for you, my brother. If you need me, e-mail me or PM me. Or, for that matter, any of the other brothers or sisters here you've become so important to.

Be as kind to yourself as you have been to others, Leo.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Leosha, Jeff, Brayton and Scott,

What was it that you said, "Be as kind to yourself as you have been to others."

Man, is that profound for us; not just for you, Leosha.

How much have we beat ourselves up? And with what? Drink too much? Eat too much?
Yell, rant and rave? Sex until we drop? No sex because we don't deserve it?

Dare I confess, that most of my physical ailments are weight related? That by losing some weight, the blood pressure and diabetes would take care of themselves.

Am I beating myself up? Am I coming home bleeding from head, nose and lip? Well, guess what? This forum is making me face a thing or two.

I don't have to cut myself or pick a fight...I can do "those things" in the privacy of my own home, with...FOOD.

How "unkind" am I being to myself by overeating?
How much am I shortening my life by carrying this extra weight, this "full gear, Army pack?"
And what of the time that I spend doing that, that isn't engaging with others with whom I would far more enjoy myself, in physical activity?

It may not seem like the same thing to you, but it's just my form of, "poison."

"Be as kind to yourself as you are to others."

Kind of turns around the Golden Rule, doesn't it?

Maybe we should call this one the Rule of Male Survivorship, "Do unto yourself as you have done to others, here"

Ya, I like that. Thanks, you guys.

David
 
leosha
these guys are the BEST ! they know which way is up and I can add no more.

Forgive yourself, you did nothing wrong.

Dave
 
Leosha,

Forgive yourself. You have already been hurt enough and don't need any more.

Leave the self-injury to your father, your coach, and any others that have hurt you and others. They are the ones that deserve it, not you.

Bill
 
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