concerned -- possible trigger?

concerned -- possible trigger?
J

Joey

New Registrant
Shortly after I turned 13, I was raped by an older boy at school. I'm almost 26 now. I've been through about a year of therapy with a psychologist, but I'm still having problems.

Ever since I was raped, I have been very sexually promiscuous. I don't understand why -- it seems so opposite to what seems to me to be a normal response. It's almost like I have an urgent need to have sex. I have been in a relationship with a man now for nearly 4 years, and I can't even count the number of times I've cheated on him. He doesn't even know about any of them and would probably leave me if he did know. I know this is dangerous and have even gotten gohnorrea twice as a result of these encounters.

I don't understand why I'm doing this or even if it's somehow linked to being raped. I don't feel any guilt about what I've done -- just fear of getting caught. I don't even fear or am saddened by the thought that he'd leave -- it's almost like I feel nothing at all. I know that, at night when we're in bed, I feel safe. I don't even know that I love him or if I love the feeling of safety he provides.

Am I the only one like this? What the heck is wrong with me?
 
Joey welcome to MS. I am sorry for the reasons for coming here but glad that you have found us.

It is a natural phenomenum what you describe. Your perp stripped you of your self esteem and sense of self worth. He probably told you that you were only getting what you really wanted. And he probably said words to the effect that it was all you were good for. He likely threatened you with some stuff if you ever told. The fact that you are gay gave him a real easy time of it in the domination area.

What did he do. He transferred all the guilt and shame to you.

I used to go through cycles where I was spiraling downwards and then I would act out with other men. The more humiliating and the more violent and dangerous the more I needed it.

My SA occured when I was 16-17 and for a variety of reasons it put me on the street as a male prostitute from 18-21. I am 63 now and have been married to the same wonderful woman for almost 37 of those years. It has not been easy for me. I did not disclose until I was 56. But boy for years I had the guilt and the shame and the sense that I was only good as a toy for another man to use and abuse. Totally screwed me up for years and years. When I learned to put the guilt and shame where it belonged, on my perps, and directed my anger towards them instead of inward I started to reclaim my sense of self worth.

I am so glad that you have started down the road to recovery at such a young age.

Join us. Read, post, and lend a shoulder to someone when they need it.

You will find no descrimination here or betrayal, only concern trust and fellowship that is best exemplified between to really close brothers. You have just joined the greatest bunch of guys it has been my privilege to know.

Welcome brother Joey
 
Welcome, Joey. I'm glad you're here.

Actually, based on what I've learned, I think it is a normal response. Not one you'll want to continue--it is dangerous to your health and to the sort of relationships you want that involve feeling safe in bed with a partner--but still normal.

I think it is sometimes called compartmentalizing. It can take a number of forms--with me it is compulsive mb. With you it seems to be successive sexual encounters that basically are not intimate and which may be for the most part anonymous.

Its a result of the abuse. Our perps twisted our understanding of sex and its role in our lives, turning it into something that is mixed up in our heads. Compartmentalizing it seems to make sense when it is something potentially dangerous.

Hang in there and work with your therapist. I was a long way off not too long ago from understanding where my mb stuff came from and how I might deal with it. I'm getting closer but have a long way to go I suppose.

What I get here is hope and support. Stick with us. I think it will help. PM me if you want.

Brett
 
For me personally, I wasn't involved in a relationship during the time when I just had to have anonymous sex all the time. But I think I did it because somehow it gave me that "dirty feeling" like when I was being abused. And that dirty feeling was what felt normal to me. Anything that didn't feel that way was too scary for me and I didn't know what it was. Kind of sounds strange, but it was very true for me.

It took time for me to understand this, forgive myself and not beat myself up for what I did. Once I began to accept myself (with all of my faults and problems), was when things started to change. This was a process and it did not happen overnight for me.

Please don't feel like you are alone in this because there are many others who have struggled with it and still are. You are asking the right questions and seeking out the things you need for this which is a very positive step that you have taken.

Don
 
Joey,

There's nothing wrong with you. The wrong was done to you. Now you're going what's right. You're taking a stand to help yourself.

Did the therapy not work out for a reason? Was it helpful to you at all? I could not face recovery work without therapy myself. Maybe getting back to it, with someone new, if necessary, would be helpful to you.

You're certainly not the only one like this. The "feeling nothing at all" is too familiar. It's one of the current hot topics in therapy for me right now, and we have a lot of hot topics.

I'm glad that you have the courage to face the issues. It took me a long time to break the silence, and the things I lost or destroyed in that time will not come back. I wish you didn't need to post here, but I'm glad you were able to find us.

Hang in there. It will get better, just because you've already decided not to let it fester. You're taking action.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hey Joey - Do I know the feeling? Wow - do I!! I was sexually abused for 8+ years by multiple numbers of perps. Sex became a game with me and I enjoyed what the human body does during sex. For a long time sex = intimacy. If you were really my friend, you'd have sex with me! In the mix was a physical connection with the other person but it lacked emotional connection...sex was a physical thing people did. For a while I enjoyed the "danger" and excitement of initiating a same age partner into being sexual and escaping detection and not getting caught. Almost all my "friends" were sexual friends and those who were not were my "cover". Emotional + sexual + one partner commitment took a LOOOONNGGG time happening. Yeah, I think I know what you're saying!! ONE THING that helped me was whenever I wanted sex or looked at someone as a sexual partner, I asked myself what was it I really was needing...closeness, non-sexual human touch, to feel better about myself...it was not necessarily because I wanted sex. I learned the many partners cost me nothing personally...there was no personal investment.

That's a complex question I guess you know by now. It is one that survivors wrestle with 'normally'. To cut to the bottom line, I'm happily married (33 years) and monogamous for 26 years. With work, therapy and good support, it can happen! Hope this helped, Joey.

Howard
 
Wow. Thank you so much for your comments. It's good to know that I'm not alone in this and that it really is something prompted by what happened to me.

To answer some of your questions, the therapy was somewhat helpful, but I don't think I was ready to open up. The biggest problem I was having at the time was with my personal relationships with other men and how I could identify which ones were positive and which may not be healthy for me. We accomplished that task, I think, and that's how I ended up with my current partner. We had to move away, though, and that's why therapy ended.

After I posted last night, my partner came home and I ended up just holding him and crying for a good five or ten minutes. It was at that point that I realized what a blessing it was to have him in my life -- to have someone I could hold and cry on who didn't need me to explain why.

I'm going to hunt around for a therapist next week, one that I can afford (I'm a struggling college student right now) and one that hopefully has experience working with survivors. But I have to tell you that having a place to type out what I was feeling and thinking was what it took to get me to this point. Thank you.
 
Holy moly. I'm just coming to terms with my abuses. I turned 50 in December. My brother had a go at me for several years (10 to about 13 or 14 - hard to remember exactly) and then I got raped when I was 17 by a 26 year old. Lately, I just want to get all but raped again. I went out last week and bought chains, cuffs, and a sling. I read all the posts to Joey's first and I'm a little bit anxious right now - verging on hyperventilation. I totally did not see my current behavior as related to my past. I have an appointment with my therapist at 5. Wow. I'm pretty upset by this revelation. No wonder I've been out of circulation for 10 years! Wow.

I met someone online Wednesday night and he came over and we had sex. It was good and tender and I liked it. I still couldn't achieve an orgasm. That's is a continuing theme lately. Lately my ass. Why am I lying to myself and to you guys? I haven't been able to achieve an orgasm with a partner since 2000! No matter what I do or try or what my partner tries, I can't. I just can't. I start to panic right at the end.

I'm so sick of feeling this way. I know logically that this isn't hopeless and from my experience in AA in the past 10+ years, but sometimes, like now, I just feel like I'm wasting my time trying to get past this, that I'm never going to figure it out and never find any peace in my head or in my bed.

Still taking deep breaths. Guess I better move onto another topic for a while.
 
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