concerned mom

concerned mom
M

mom410

Registrant
hello - wondering if there are any parents or survivors out there who are going through or went through having their child turn to drugs to self medicate to forget about being sexually abused. He is 18 and in an inpatient rehab. I was advised by his case manager that he really needs a good therapist when he returns to continue talking about his past. They are working on the drug problem A male who is an abuse specialist is what they recommend. The abuse started when he was 5 and lasted till he was 10. I only found out what happened two years ago. He never talks about it. Any advice would be appreciated and stories of hope. Thanks.
 
Mom410 - Welcome to the site!! Sorry for your reason for coming here but, this is a good place to get advice, support and direction. Many (if not most) Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) survivors if not talking about the abuse will tend to act it out (esp. D&A). There are a number of symptoms CSA's experience among the top five are: drugs & alcohol, sleep problems (including nightmares), depression, eating problems ( too much, too little - weight gains or losses), anger!!!!! is a big one...but I come across many teens in rehab (male & female) with CSA in their history. The casemgr's advice to get someone experienced or specializing in treating CSA is absolutely correct. You will find the therapist can make a world of difference in treatment and your son responding. I am not familiar with therapists in NJ but one of our Admins, Ken Singer, is based in NJ. You may want to PM him (private message) and I'm sure when he reads this post, he'll probably PM you. Let me say this, your son (victim) was given many issues by the perp who took many things from your son as well. Treatment will be for your son to give back what the perp gave and take back that which the perp stole from him!! He is young and his opportunities are good for a strong recovery which takes time. I would be glad to help you with questions...PM me please! You may want to look at the resources under the heading at the top of this page. Good luck!! Welcome!! We are here for each other!!

Howard
 
Hi Mom410,

Im 16 & was abused by my best friends dad from 8 til I was 12, & then got into drugs & got busted when i freaked out on a bad LSD trip when i was 13. That got me off heavy drugs but then I just got into drinking & fighting in school & got expelled. By this spring I was thinking being dead is better than staying like this.

I just say that cos I understand yr son 100%. For me it was worse once the abuse stopped, cos I felt so alone & ashamed & dirty & guilty & a million other things. I was too scared to tell my parents & pretty soon i drifted into a bunch of older guys who kinda accepted me but got me into drugs. Not just weed but stuff like acid & heroin. I did it cos it made the hurt go away & i figured i was already worse than dead so it didnt matter.

Yr son probably doesnt talk about what happened to him cos its like a totally devastating thing. Abusers tell boys lies like "this shows how special you are to me" & "you liked it" & "this will make you bigger" & "all the boys do this" & "if you tell no one will believe you" & "yr parents will throw you out if they know". You fall for that cos nothing makes sense anymore anyway. Then you feel stupid & figure it was yr fault & why didnt you say no. Stuff like that.

Maybe it would help yr son to come here. Once I came here I was able to talk & see I wasnt alone & none of what happened was my fault. Nobody blames me & I can just say how i feel & get it out instead of boiling inside & then getting drunk or looking for a fight. At first i couldnt say anything but now its a lot easier. I havent been in a fight in 4 months & it used to be like once a week at least.

Dunno about getting a male therapist just cos hes a man. I had a male T & i didnt like it. I was scared he would touch me & when he stood up i paniced cos i thought I said something bad & he was mad & was gonna hit me. Im going to get a woman T next week & a lot of the guys here have women Ts.

Its hard for a kid to tell his mom about what happened cos you feel so messed up & worthless & somehow yr to blame for that & you hope yr mom doesnt figure out what kinda stuff the word "hurt" means for an abused boy. I cant talk to my Mom about any of this. I tell my dad & its okay if he tells her after that. Tell yr son you love him & try to find little ways to show him that without treating him like a bird with a broken wing. Make sure he knows you believe him & if he wants to talk just listen at first, dont try to fix anything. Just listen & tell him you believe him & its not his fault. Dont tell him you understand cos thats part of the whole mess - he knows theres no way you can understand what hes going through.

Stories of hope: Dunno. But when i came here first time i was thinkin i hope i dont live to be 18 - like why would i want that? Now im saving for college & thinking i will be a poet & i want to be a good dad one day. I know im still messed up bigtime, but the mods & all my big brothers here say i improved a lot.

I tried not to use any bad words in this cos yr a mom, but i guess you can still get what i mean.

Kevin
 
Mom410,

I hear you. Your love and concern for your son is a great blessing for him.

These guys have given you a lot of good advice. I will add that there are many stories of hope here. Right now you may feel overwhelmed by the enormity of what your son suffered. But if you spend some time with the people here, read some of the stories and get to know some of the incredibly strong people, survivors and supporters alike, I think you will agree that we have a respository of hope here.

I see a story of hope in your post. Your son went through hell, but you are working to deliver him from that, from its effects, and into a healthier life for his adulthood. So many parents don't do that, through their ignorance, fear of their own issues, misplaced "concern" for the perpetrator, etc. Reading how you are fighting for what's best for your son strengthens my hope this morning.

Thank you for that.

Joe
 
Joe,
Thank you so much for you words of encouragement. I am going through a really difficult time right now. My son checked himself out of the rehab yesterday. To make a long story short he is on a bus back to NJ from FL. He left with two others from the rehab. Not a positve sign. I checked and he did indeed get on the bus. I am going to pick him up tomorrow. Not sure if I believe him or not that he will come home and attend NA meetings, start college as planned but I am hoping for the best. I think he is more likely to go off with the people he met. I wouldn't wire any money down....I made the arrangements myself with Greyhound. He doesn't feel that he needs talk to some about his SA issues. The place he was at told me just this last friday that he was really opening up and what happend to him was more then they are able to handle. I guess at least he started talking. A step in the right direction. I guess Joe, I am so afraid of losing him to the drugs. He doesn't like himself. I am going to tell him about this site. I have never posted anywhere before here. Sometimes I would like to post more but feel like it is really for MS of SA. I come here for hope and understanding. I found that it your note to me. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Regards,
Lynn
 
Llyn
you have every right to be here, you're between a rock and a hard place, and with no easy way out.

Stick around, for two reasons. Firstly to find out how we tick, then you can beging to create a safe place for your son, and secondly for yourself.
You'll be more help if you're not suffering as well, use the support here, I'm sure it'll help.

Dave
 
Lynn,

I am glad it helped you. You are in a difficult time. Your concern for your son is obvious and genuine. Please don't lose yourself in it.

This forum is for you. If your son will come here for help and the two of you are uncomfortable about how you would use the site, you can work out some arrangement to stay out of each other's forum. Or you could become members and post in the respective members forums. They're exclusive to their respective audiences, e.g., I can't see any posts in the member's F&F forum.

The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network website has lists of resources available by state. They have 25 listings in Jersey. You can find specific help, like places that work with male survivors, or places with non-English speaking therapists/counselors.

I was in NJ for my nephew's Baptism in April, and we got flyers with blue ribbons as we left the church. They include a website www.PreventChildAbuseNJ.org . I knew there was a reason I kept one in my car this long! It's focused on prevention, obviously, but there might be some good stuff in their links and articles.

Whatever happens, and it's going to be a long road, please remember that you chose to do the right thing, the best thing for your son. We all hope he is ready now to accept and use the help you sought for him. It really does make us happy to see someone turn the corner and begin feeling better about life after they've been at this a while. But none of us will be able to do it for him, and neither will you. Please don't ever forget to take care of yourself.

Thanks again,

Joe
 
I just want to second what the men here have said. The friends and family forum is meant to be a safe place for you to post your own feelings and questions about having a male survivor in your life. You can post as much as you want on this forum.

If you read around you might find that it's somewhat common for survivors to take a couple steps back right in the beginning of recovery. The prospect of change, even good change, is so scary that it's easy to want to go back to how it was before, even when you realize that the way it was before wasn't working. Sometimes it just takes a lot of time to shake the old lies that Kevin was talking about-- time to build up "evidence" that the things he thought about himself and the abuse were untrue.

Take care :)
SAR
 
SAR,

Thank you. My son is home now. Just this afternoon. I will give him some time to adjust to being back. He left the rehab before his time was up. The good news is he went to an AA meeting tonight - his idea. He wants to do 90/90. He also wants to go to the community college as planned in Sept. I am hoping as he feels better, stays away from the drugs, I can tell him about this site. The rehab place told me he was starting to open up and stuff that he has never talked about was pouring out. They shared with me that in addition to the sexual abuse he mentioned he was physically abuse by his dad. We are divorced for 10+ years now. I guess that is good he opened up. I brought up seeing a therapist who specializes in CSA but he said no. I hope in time he will see someone. My first step will be to tell him about this site. I know it would help him.
Thanks for writing me and caring.
Lynn
 
Lynn,

I was hoping we'd hear some good news from you after the bus got into town.

Give yourself a pat on the back for all that you have done for your son. If he comes here, having started to open up about what happened (It didn't just happen. Someone did it to him, and the shame rightfully belongs to them, not to your son.), I feel confident that he will be able to make more progress putting the demons to rest.

You're a great Mom. You know that, don't you?

Thanks,

Joe
 
Joe,
Thanks for making me smile. I try my best at being a mom. I am crazy about my son. I can't undo the past or take away his pain but I hope to lead him in the right direction so he can enjoy the journey of life with happiness, health and good friends.
Hope all is well with you.
Lynn
 
Joe,
Thanks for making me smile. I try my best at being a mom. I am crazy about my son. I can't undo the past or take away his pain but I hope to lead him in the right direction so he can enjoy the journey of life with happiness, health and good friends.
Hope all is well with you.
Lynn
 
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