Compulsive masturbation

Compulsive masturbation
Brian
reading all that made me laugh, great lists. You've got way too much time on your hands ! ;)

And it does show that we try very hard to disguise masturbation as something else - why ?

All the different names we use are just ways to "minimize" the guilt that has become associated with it.
And there's no reason at all to be guilty or ashamed of "cranking one off" ( not on the list I notice ) if it's being done for normal relief or even pleasure.
Pleasure is good for heavens sake !

I know that I get the urge when I'm a bit tense before I do something 'special' - even something like a good night night out where I fully expect to enjoy myself with friends.
I think it's a release of the tension I feel at not making a fool of myself in front of friends, getting there on time, remembering to take something I've been asked to take etc.

And I'd have to say that I feel that's a normal enough thing, quite possibly someone with biological knowledge would say the tension naturally raises certain chemicals in the body that trigger the urge, maybe not - but that's the way it feels to me.

It's the masturbation from past triggers, the 'acting out' masturbation that bothers me though.
I can feel the same triggers and unstoppable urges at work, the ones that made me act out with other guys. And I don't want those.

The hard part is seperating a good "Shakin' hands with MrHappy" from a bad "Knuckle shuffle on the old piss pump"

The difference is in the mind, and it's easy to get the two confused.

Dave
 
WOW! That's quite a list there Brian-Z.

Compulsive masturbation. Yes. I, too, used to struggle with this. Yes, that's right, used to. I read an excellent book a few years ago that helped me a great deal. I don't remember the authors name, but the title is "The Centerfold Syndrome." I came across it because I used to constantly check women out. I would go out of my way to watch them, particularly if they had a "nice ass". I was obsessed. I would hang out at shopping malls for hours and hours, looking for that "10-for-an-ass". When I finally realized that this behavior wasn't acceptable to me anymore, I found this book. It taught me a great deal. An excellent book for "us".

One thing that I would like to add. My 'pen' name, StrongHeart, has implications other than the obvious.

I am half native indian. The StrongHearts were a group of chiefs who stopped fighting each other to form a much feared band of warriors who fought the invasion of white men back in the 1800's. I tell people all the time that I'm a spiritual person, not a religious person. I believe very strongly that when my life gets a little out of control, that's it's time to exercise my spirituality. Natives have always believed in the power of "mother earth". We have a great deal of respect for nature and the planet. I make my connection with earth on a daily basis now. I go away from any man-made sounds. (cars, machinery, etc) I just go into nature and be silent. I listen to the wind, the sound of waves on a shore, birds, anything that is not a man-made sound is the sound of the great spirit known as earth. Connect with earth, and it will ground you. It has gotten me through some very difficult times. When I feel a great compulsion to use drugs or alcohol to get me through, I connect with nature, and it works everytime. I also used this for my constant mastubation. It is just practically impossible to sexualize nature. (unless you have a strong urge to screw a tree.) :)
 
Brian:
I am humbled by your list. I'm going to save it for the next time I do a sex ed program for adolescents.

One of my favorites that's not on this list is from a friend of mine who went to college in Lynchburg, VA. They used to call it "thumbing to Baltimore" (an old reference to hitchhiking when the walker would motion back and forth with thumb extended.) Maybe you had to be there.

Thanks for the chuckles.

But my point was that male masturbation has more violent/aggressive verbs to describe the act than female masturbation... even with the extensive list you provided.

Ken
 
Personally, I think maybe there is some truth to this... but for me, it's just low on my priority list in my recovery.

I think this issue can be different if you're in a serious relationship with issues around sex... as did happen in my previous relationship and did become a very serious, hurtful problem for my partner.

But I think as survivors, there are so many other things to get through before you get to the point of addressing masturbation... I don't think we need another thing on our huge list, you know? Not to say that you shouldn't if it is a problem, I personally just think that you shouldn't beat yourself up over it, pun intended ;)
 
People are going to hate me for this (because it's true) ;)

You can mix almost any combination of verb and noun and come up with a euphemism for masturbation. Try it!

Buttering the bread
Folding the laundry
Programming the VCR
Defragging the hard drive

And so on.

It's that ubiquitous.

Ok 2nd part.

As for the more... active names we give our little habit, look at the mechanics of the sex act in general. Un less you're in a pornographic movie one person is doing all the work, and we know who that is. So it stands to reason that we would use... more colorful euphemisms.

Now, if you will excuse me I'm going to go let the cat out (see what I mean.)

Brian.
 
Well, I just had to add my two cents...I masturbate almost daily. If I don't on a particular day, it's because I'm hoping my wife might be interested in a little activity that would make the 'end result', not to mention the beginning and middle, much more pleasurable. I enjoy the release. Sometimes I use the release to help me sleep, other times to releive sexual tension, sometimes to releive non-sexual tension. There are times when disturbing images come into play. When that happens I either lose my enthusiasm for the task at hand, or I conjur other, pleasant (sometimes kinky) images and work the job to completion. I also use porn, sometimes gay or bi, usually in the form of written word as pics just don't have as much impact. My wife is aware that I masturbate frequently (and that I use porn), it doesn't bother her. I think she views it as a substitute for the real thing as much as I do and welcomes the relief of any pressure on her to join me in the process, so to speak. I also believe, because I've read it numerous times, that ejaculating is the only way we can exercise our prostates. And regular exercise of the prostate can help to avoid cancer of the same (medial professionals, please advise if I am wrong). Not to mention it keeps my forearms and biceps well defined. I have many friends, mostly married, who have not experienced any type of SA who also admit to taking on this task on a near daily basis. So masturbation does not necessarily signal that there is something wrong, it may be that some of us are as hormonal as we were when we were 18 years old, I know I feel that way. But certainly, if you see that it creates issues for you, you should try to figure that out. Today's plan was to 'pick up the Christmas goose', but, since my wife is leaving work early today and we will have an hour or so of private time, maybe I'll shop by myself tomorrow and spend the afternoon with her. Peace.
 
Great thread! Brian-z, what a list. Let me try a couple:

Cleaning the pool
Lighting the candle

You're right, Brian.

I will continue to grapple with this issue, I imagine. I am going to look for "Centerfold Syndrome" and try some earth centering next time I feel the urge to worry the wizard. I too feel Earth-centered in my spirit.

Thanks, guys
RickB
 
Guys,

Unfortunately, whether by choice, design, abuse, or simply a screwed-up view of sex, masturbation has been a focal point of my sex life.

Yes, it's been a release, it's been a way to cope with the abuse, it's been a way to NOT act up. Most of the time, I've felt furtive and ashamed about it. Not the act, but the mind images that have come with it.

A couple of things has happened to turn that around.

One: Because I've been dealing with the abuse that I've denied for so long, the compulsion has become less (although, the inappropriate places I've gotten the urge, say at work or anyplace that doesn't afford privacy, has increased a little!). Perhaps because I'm working through my issues and the NEED to deal with disturbing fantasies in a harmless way has affected this.

Two: The fantasies have become more "wholesome." By that, involving people I actually care about and would LIKE to have caring sex with. No, I haven't acted on them either (performance anxiety, anyone?), but the fact that I'm associating sex with romance, with actual love, that's a shift. That's progress, I think!

Now, about that "performance anxiety" thing.... :eek:

By the way, Brian, laughed my considerable @$$ off at your euphamisms concerning the singular act! Brought back some locker room memories, I've gotta tell ya. Including (which you may or may have had, I forget) "Bopping my baloney!"

And, I noticed you had several "Star Wars" related terms. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............. :confused: :rolleyes: :D

Thanks for encouraging my behavior, brothers!

Scot
 
I know that the compulsion I experience is going to be dealt with one way or another in therapy at some point.

I am not pushing it at this time just because there is so much to deal with anyway.

I wish I had more of a sense of humor about it but my fantasies have so focused on "reliving" the abuse, that I can only take it seriously.

I have noticed a slight change as my feelings about the child I was shift from anger and hate to nurture and love.

Brett
 
I wish I had more of a sense of humor about it but my fantasies have so focused on "reliving" the abuse, that I can only take it seriously.
[/QUOTE

My fantasies are slowly going away from my old ones where I re-lived the abuse or fantasised about sex with other men, they are losing their effect.
Which is good, and I'm replacing them with more 'acceptable' fantasies which actually work, which is even better.

I have no problem with using fantasy, if it keeps my sexual urges alive then that's ok by me.
But the old abuse related ones filled me with guilt and shame, that I can do without.

Dave
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Originally posted by Lloydy:
"Exert your mind and reject the immoral thought. The arousal will soon die down."

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It's good that you care enough to try to do better.

That advice didn't work for me, at least not directly.

I was advised to pray about it when the urge was strongest. It makes sense, doesn't it? But, the harder I prayed and tried to stop, the worse it was getting. What was that about?

It took me a while to figure out a trend.

In my case compulsion was at the source of repetition. So 'EXERTING my mind' was the wrong thing to do. Praying (exerting my mind) and thus JUST CONSIDERING the subject put the issue too clearly into lingering focus, and thus made it more likely to occur for me.

I found some help in finding something else to think about immediately--go do something else RIGHT NOW, just switch channels.

I pray about it at times now--but very short mention, and NOT when the tempatation is there. It sounds all backwards, and I'm not discounting God's help. I just have to do what works for me. The new way doesn't always work, but the difference in frequency, before and after the change in methods, is definitely there.

The other saying that is good from AA is that "Relapse is part of recovery". I figure that in the case of sexual abuse, your relapse symptoms have got to be sexual.

Eventually it sneaks up on me again, but the new way has helped somewhat. Again, it's good that you care enough to try to do better.

Regards,

Ed
 
I meant it was 'obsessing' over the subject that kept it in focus and led to relapse, not 'compulsion'. The compulsion, the actions, soon followed.

Tb
 
Gosh, Tribear, talk about synchronicity!
The other saying that is good from AA is that "Relapse is part of recovery". I figure that in the case of sexual abuse, your relapse symptoms have got to be sexual.
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I had a very strong relapse a few weeks ago, based on anger towards a certain person. My therapist said that maybe, given the fact of my sexual abuse and the consequently screwed-up view of sex, the only way I could express this anger was in masturbatory fantasies.

Tom
 
My God! This thread is still alive! This seems to be serious to some, less so to others. It has really helped me to get this out where I know other men will read it.

I finally threw out *ALL* the porn on Saturday. Just got up in the morning and stated the decision out loud. So I dropped 2 sacks in a dumpster behind a restaurant. Then last night, I stopped at an adult store and bot 3 new mags. AAAGGGHHHH! I think Ed has very good insight on this. I have to do this in this particular way. I will throw out the 3 new mags and then see what happens! I wonder if this is serving to release guilt and shame about sex? If I could go into an adult store and buy whatever, just as if I were buying a head of lettuce, would I have accomplished some new recovery? Or would I just be desensitized? I'm feeling crazy and tense now.

I figure that in the case of sexual abuse, your relapse symptoms have got to be sexual.
Click to expand...
But I want to be healed NOW! Really, I have been corresponding with women through an Internet service. There are two very strong candidates. I DEARLY WANT to give a woman I can commit to all of me. Masturbation feels like withholding. And prayer works about 3/4 of the time. It's that 4th time!

RickB
 
Tom
I also find that a sudden burst of anger towards someone, or my job, has the same effect.
I get pissed off, so I retreat into my 'old' defences.

I guess we need to find some new ones eh ?

Dave
 
This is an intense thread. Thank you all for speaking so honestly. It really helps to see how others struggle with this.

This is a big issue for me right now. The fantasies I have involve my f*cking g*ddamn parents, and I do not want them in my head any more. The shame involved with this is still intense, even though I understand everything you all said. Then I guess the shame triggers me into causing myself some sort of pain while I'm jerking off, or even physicaly re-enacting parts of the abuse. I'm sorry, I feel like such an idiot, because I am doing this to myself now, no one else is making me do this. Some of the stuff isn't even arousing, I just need to do it.

I agrre that masturbationis fine, but I don't want all the other stuff. So right now I just jerk off as soon as I get home from work, without thinking about anything, and then I am keeping all the lights on, since I do the weird stuff in low light. I reallyl feel like I need to get control over this behavior. Last week I spent four of the evenings after work just thinking or doing this stuff.

Really, I do have other ambitions for my life.

I think it was right when people talked about there being other feelings underneath. A lot more feelings about the SA have been coming up, and that's when this issue intensified. You guys said a lot of important things that I'll be thinking about for a while.

Jim
 
Very, recently I have begun to see some of the "models" in the materials I use as probable victims of abuse themselves. A real turn off.
 
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