compulsive healing?

compulsive healing?
W

willtobecomplete

Registrant
Hi everyone,
I have a topic I am putting out to see if anyone relates and if so how they found balance. Three weeks ago when meeting with my T, she basicly told me that I was eat, breathing, and sleeping this SA journey, she was right it was almost all I thought and read about during the day and what I dreamt/nightmared about at night. I know that healing this needs to be a priotity in my life right now, and at the same time it can not be my first priority at the expense of my spirituality and means of living. The thought of this becoming the #1 sacred me into taking her advice and taking a couple week break from dealing with SA. The first week was happy and great and I got alot of urgent things done, as the days rolled by, instead of me dealing with it, it started dealing with me, manifesting itself in undesiralbe thought and behavioural patterns. So now I know I can't at this point just ignore all of this, I need to find a balance! Finding balance in anything in my life has been a real struggle! I tend to be a manic, compulsive, all or nothing type of guy, and now I atleast know why.
Has anyone else in the beginning of the process been obsessive compulsive about healing? If so what did it take and how did you find a balance. I would really like to know.

Thanks Much,
Calg :eek:
 
calg,

I had kind of a similar experience when I was first dealing with the sa. I read every book I could find, and it was pretty much all I thought about. This is really serious stuff, and i think its natural for it to take up most of your resources at first. I still have periods of a couple weeks or more where its the ting I think about most, but its easier for me to be able to take a break from it to get things done. So I don't really try to control myself that much, but that's what works for me. Obviously keeping my job was the very first priority, so I make sure I stay functional enough for that.

Find out what works for you. Maybe two weeks was too long, but one week sounded like it was a good break for you.
 
Balance. It can be hard to achieve. I try to focus exclusively on every task as it comes to me. When doing the dishes, think about doing the dishes. Set aside a time for dealing with the SA and try to keep your attention on the moment. Easier said than done.

Dealing with SA in the beginning often tends to be all consuming. Keep in mind, the healing takes time. Give it the time it needs and lighten up a little. You wont gain any more ground by obsessing than you will by regular limited concentration.

Aden
 
ADEN, very simple advise...why wasn't I doing that ?

SA has recently consumed my life. My BF has had a lifetime to develope coping mechanisms & defences that became his normal reactions to this abnormal situation. Perhaps I have allowed it to consume me, fearful as not wanting let him down.

_____________________________________________
UNKNOWNSOLDIER,- you took away some of my guilt of not having all the answers...by understanding the need for equipping myself with knowledge of SA, in an obsessive manner, "balanced" with the permission that it is OK to take "time out". Prior to reading that, I would not have been able to pause from SA research, as my BF hasn't been able to pause from his abuse for decades.

Thanks to good people on this site...for sharing !
Regards, Niagara :)
 
Calg, This won't be well thought out, and I probably should take more time to think before I write, but....there's no guarantee that I'd get back here soon. Boy, do I identify with what you're saying. I won't make an attempt to compare the way we are healing...those paths are all so personal, but I am constantly wondering why I am so obsessed with this. I keep thinking that I should be able to put it in perspective and deal with it in a logical way...with a plan for healing (getting over it). I'm dealing with repressed memories and I keep thinking: I didn't think about this at all for 54 years, why do I have to think about it constantly now? But it doesn't go away. It's always there. I don't think about it when I'm working...the job won't allow it. But any time I have personal time at all, there it is again. At night, it is always the last thing I think about as I drift off to sleep.
Finally, I have decided that this is not something that can be put away and taken out when I want to deal with it. It's like I got hit by a car or fell of a cliff or something. If I was injured physically, that injury would be a part of my life until it was completely healed. If I was left with a permanent disability, I would have to deal with that disability for the rest of my life. I would have to deal with whatever it happened to be. It would become a part of who I am and eventually, if possible, I would have to try to make something positive out of the negative that life had given to me.
Well, I have been hit, and I have been injured, perhaps permanently. I hope not. I hope I can heal completely, but it doesn't look good so far. I have decided that this is not something that I can control, but that it is something that I have to live with, so I'd better get used to it. And already, as painful as it has been, I feel that I am a better person. I am more sensitive, more compassionate,and have developed what seems almost to be a new sense: that of recognizing and feeling the pain of others..and a need to try to soothe that pain.
Now, after all of that rationalization, what I think I'm saying to you is: Ain't it the truth,and ain't it awful, and boy am I right there where you live. As much as I am amazed at our (That's a whole group "our".) differences, I am more amazed at how much we are all the same.
Thanks, Calg, your question made me search within for my own answers. Bobby
 
Wow! What an interesting coincidence. I was just thinking about this same issue last night, and one of the things I was saying to myself is that I spend a lot of time at MS. It is true that sometime sI don't come here for days, but then when I get a chance to come here I want to read everything everyone said since I last visited the site. It takes a lot of time and a lot of energy too. I feel that sometimes I am compulsive at reading all the posts and that I need to take it easy. Even because sometimes I take more than what I can digest. But then, on the other hand, I don't want to miss on interesting topics such as this one, and so often I find that you guys here are able to artiuculate feelings and thoughts in a way that I haven't been able to, and reading your posts is very helpful to my healing process. What a dilemma! :)

As you can see, I don't have answers for you, but I can relate to how you are feeling. All I can say is that I started to serioulsy deal with the SA issue about two years ago, and after about 6 months of therapy I felt that I was fine and that I did not need to think about those issues anymore. I was wrong. A year later I had a very bad crisis of depression. I got back to therapy and this time I promised to myself that I won't let go of this work, until I feel that the work has really been done. In the meantime, I do strive for finding the balance and I try - not always successfully - to do what Aden suggested: have a specific time to deal with this issue, to read and think about it, besides my therapy time.
 
It's not your therapist's place to judge what you are doing - but to shine a light on what you are doing - and let you come to those conclusions - I don't think I like
the sound of your therapist -
frankly - sounds mean -

mgb
 
maybe we obsess on healing because it is the only good and strong and positive sense of self we know of -
after the abuse to see the light in ourselves is a pretty amazing encouraging and thrilling thing -
now i know why i wanted to talk more about it -

still do -


Mark
 
it's like the whole part in the chaos - no?
 
Balance is the key to all things, IMHO.

But those of us whose balance was skewed early in life have a lot to deal with before we can achieve any semblance of balance.

I, too, come here and read and read and read. Don't post a lot since so many write what I am thinking already.

Thank goodness I can focus on work when I am there, it is just that I have to realize that work can become an escape mechanism just like drugs or any other addiction.

Sometimes I feel like I am living with one of those machines where you hit the gopher on the head: Each time I conquer some feeling another pops up and you have to keep pounding away because issues just keep popping up and you have to face each one. Whew, what a learning process !!!!!
 
I too have not known many times when I could actually forget, no matter what you do, you never forget. How could you?

I went for some time, like yourself, where I put it behind, but it is still lying underneath, and it comes back with a thud.

My life is chaos, it mostly has been. You do have to find a way of living alongside of it.

When you really think about it, something so significant in your life will never go away, you can only ease it, or learn to live with it.

To me, it would be like losing an old friend, as I remember the battles through my childhood.
Just learning to live with it, finding hobbies, or other diversions can be the root of balance.

ste
 
Thanks everyone for your quality advice. I am very grateful to be able to have this resource available here at MS. It is always a huge comfort to realize that I am not the only one struggling with this particular issue.
Make it a Great Day,
A hopefully already more balanced Calg
 
Compulsive healing. I was compulsive about hiding it for 40 years and all that went with it. I also decided at 56 that I would work at it night and day and move on and get over it as I was being urged by everyone. That damned near killed me. Problem was I was dealing with everything all at once. You know a lick here, a point there. Never delving deep just scratching the surface. Guess what happened. Nothing at all. Well I dont take that route any longer. Just work hard on one thing and then another and you know what. It has stopped being hard. Problem was I would lie to myself and believe it. Not any more. I will never be perfect but by god I am going to have a whole lot of self respect as imperfect as I am.
 
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