Complaceny

Complaceny
M

Mike Church

Registrant
My recent bout with anxiety and terror brought on by an infection in my sinuses brough home to me how easy it is to become complacent in my recovery.

I was rolling merrily along thinking to myself "Hey this is easy. Piece of Cake. I will be better in no time".

Then came my headaches. Bang right back to that youn man who hustled so long ago. I am guilty of complacency. It is so easy for me to neglect my healing and allow somethjing to trigger a really bad time. Certainly worse than I have experienced in a long time. I had stopped working on my recovery. And that has not, nor likely ever will be, as automatic as breathing.

If I want to live and not merely survive I must constantly remind myself of where I want to go. If I went on a trip like I practice my recovery I would never ever arrive at my destination.

Maybe, just maybe, other brothers here might find some solace in the fact that triggers may not be automatic unless we let them. In other words let our guard down and not practice what we preach to others.

I also realize that it is not a trip that I can take on my own, although some may be able to do it. That is why everyone here is so important to me. I feel much safer in the pack than out of it.

I tried to find a previous post on this but was unable to. It took me a long time to figure out how to search. You see I almost never read instructions, including those I give myself. :D :D :D
 
Maybe, just maybe, other brothers here might find some solace in the fact that triggers may not be automatic unless we let them. In other words let our guard down and not practice what we preach to others.
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Mike,

I don't think I've been complacent (far from it), but this reminds me of when I said in chat that I felt I was talking the talk but not walking the walk.

I really need to see myself making some kind of progress. I get to feeling like shit, and I try to tell myself the same things I know I would write here to someone else, but I still can't make it apply to me 'cause somehow, my case is different.

Shit, even among the brothers here, at Al Anon, or at SIA, I feel "different."

I feel a ramble coming on, so I'll try to focus through the rest of this. I'm struggling with my lack of patience, with accepting that I have a lot of work to do that's going to take a long time. I don't have a long time, dammit! My kids are growing up right now, and they're not going to wait for daddy to get his head on straight.

OK, this sucks. But I know if someone else wrote this post, I'd be jumping in now to tell him to stay the course, vent if he has to, make himself the best person he can in order to be a good Dad, etc.

So why can't I feel that it applies to me?

Thanks,

Joe
 
OK, this sucks. But I know if someone else wrote this post, I'd be jumping in now to tell him to stay the course, vent if he has to, make himself the best person he can in order to be a good Dad, etc.

So why can't I feel that it applies to me?
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Because it hurts less not to... :(
 
Marc,

You're right. If I keep myself busy enough, I don't have to feel any of my own pain. And the times I've gone there, I've wanted something else to do quick enough.

I still distract myself, I guess.

I have a lot of work to do.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Believe you me... I go through the exact same thing. I'm realizing more and more that I am not the only one. Until I actually started to aknowledge that what happened to me was abuse (This month), I didn't have a clue as to why I'd been this way all my life. Things get clearer every day. Especially with the way we all share our histories here. :)
 
This is very much what I've been going thru lately
with my recent struggles: the bug I'm having trouble getting rid of, the "new" issues from the past coming forth needing to be dealt with, the lack of sleep, the concern for my wife, etc.

No we can't become complacent. Yes we must be patient & vigilant.

I just wish I could relax & enjoy for a bit w/o waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop! :eek:

But I don't think being on the alert and enjoying
life are mutually exclusive.

We wolves have to be alert if the pack members are going to be able to play.
aug3.jpg
 
Fellow wolves;
Here is some private correspondence that Outis and I have had and we think it might be of help to some
mikechurch
Member
Member # 1052 posted April 28, 2003 03:09 PM
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Joe.
Could it be that you, like myself are trying to do everything at the same time and doing nothing really well. Then we get run down, depressed and fall back into the safety of the past. Large promise poor performance. I am guilty of that also. I take a step ahead and say to myself" There now whats next" and I dont really get it all dealt with merely acknowledge it and move on. I guess that is what I mean by complacent.

Stupid would be more like it.
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Posts: 357 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Jan 2003

outis
Guest
Member # 1109 posted April 28, 2003 07:30 PM
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Mike,

I think that captures it pretty well. I just don't feel like I know where I'm going. I know I don't like where I've been, and that gives me movement, but seems to leave me wanting more in the way of purposeful intent. My goal is not clear.

I guess I don't know what "real life" is supposed to look like, so I don't know what to aim for.

I've been re-reading Mike Lew's (the first one) and Mic Hunter's books, looking for things to lacth onto in the "recovery" sections. I have Dr. Gartner's book and Mike Lew's new book on their way to me now. (Didn't show up today! )

The idea that this is a life long recovery effort has been haunting me of late. Maybe this is a normal part of recognizing what I've lost; I don't know.

I bought the Al Anon daily reader with the writings by Adult Children, and I force myself to read only the current day's page. I told several groups that I bought another reader specifically to keep myself to that routine with the first book. They all say things like, "There aren't any rules how to do this..." But I tell them that otherwise, I'd rip through that whole book in one night, slap it down on the table, and announce, "OK. Got it!"

I guess it's progress that I can see that bad habit in myself, and work to defuse it.

BTW, I saw your latest news on working with the provincial government. Man, you have strength. I can hardly wait for the day when I can step out of the shadows and work like that. I really admire you for this work.

Thanks,

Joe

PS If you want to take any of this to the public postings, I'm cool with that.

--------------------
"Cyclops, do you ask me my name? Well, I will tell you, and you shall give me the stranger's due, as you promised. Noman is my name; Noman is what mother and father call me and all my friends." -- The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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Posts: 57 | From: Maryland USA | Registered: Feb 2003

mikechurch
Member
Member # 1052 posted April 29, 2003 10:13 AM
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Joe:

quote:
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I think that captures it pretty well. I just don't feel like I know where I'm going. I know I don't like where I've been, and that gives me movement, but seems to leave me wanting more in the way of purposeful intent. My goal is not clear.

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I think that the goal for me is really quite simple. I want to feel comfortable with my inner essence(what makes me tick) and to restore my sense of self worth. When that happens I will be able to ineract with others with confidence and enjoy the cameraderie and affection that I see with others all around me. In other words to live life and not merely pass through it.

I appreciate your comments about posting it for others to see.
Give me a reply and I will do it for all of us here. This is how we learn and progress. There is no one here who can tell us what to do . They just tell us what they do or have tried in similar situations and areas of healing

Your Brother Wolf
Mike
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO
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Posts: 357 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Jan 2003

outis
Guest
Member # 1109 posted April 29, 2003 06:47 PM
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Mike,

If this is any help to anybody else, I'm happy to have it on the board.


quote:
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I think that the goal for me is really quite simple. I want to feel comfortable with my inner essence(what makes me tick) and to restore my sense of self worth.
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I'm going to think about the way you phrased that.

I had an interesting conversation with my wife today about my goal. She was telling me that I need to keep the goal in mind, and I was trying to explain that I can't formulate the goal in mind, never mind keep it there. Some concepts just don't come easily.

An example I gave her was the section in Mic Hunter's book ("Abused Boys, the Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse") that talks about the "victim mentality." (pp 69-75 in my paperback copy) She read that book last winter, at my request, and said right away that she sees that mentality in me. I don't, but I've read that section over and over again. What I do notice is that he (Hunter) says that someone with a victim mentality sees the world "not as safe and predictable, but as dangerous, unpredictable, and uncontrollable." Of course, why the hell would anyone see the world as otherwise?

Implicit in that statement is the idea that the world actually is safe and predictable, contrary to the victim view. I don't believe that it is. If that's a sign of a victim mentality, then I guess I do have that mentality. If that's a mistaken impression on my part, it's going to take some evidence to convince me.

In the meantime, I'll try to "take it on faith," on my wife's word, that I'm mistaken. In light of that, how should I act differently? I don't know.

That's what I mean by not seeing the goal. My bad habits are so ingrained that I can't even see most of them. This stuff seems to run pretty deep.

By all means, post this to the board if you want.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Mike & Joe:

What you posted from your PMs is powerful & very helpful indeed. Thank you.

I take a step ahead and say to myself" There now whats next" and I dont really get it all dealt with merely acknowledge it and move on.
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Yeah. I'm always looking for what's ahead (if I'm not looking back over my shoulder), instead of enjoying the now. Trying to fly thru recovery at warp speed when it requires impulse power...

I guess I don't know what "real life" is supposed to look like, so I don't know what to aim for.
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"Real life" is an illusion (illusions) given to us by the media, the wealthy & the powerful.

Mike Lew's second book will offer you a great male survivors perspective on "real life" and a lot of practical help too. Great book.

I have Mic's book but havent read it yet. Hope to get to it soon.

That's what I mean by not seeing the goal. My bad habits are so ingrained that I can't even see most of them. This stuff seems to run pretty deep.
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Yes it does. I know I'm not alone in this, but it's good to hear it, especially today.

Thanks brother wolves.

Victor
 
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