Compassion, sadness/crying. Others vs. Self

Compassion, sadness/crying. Others vs. Self

Dolphin42

Registrant
Because of dissociation from bad and humiliating feelings I have spent days, weeks, months, or years of my life disconnected from my own emotions, from myself.

At some point last year I started visiting a gore site for accident videos. Its traumatic. I cried for some of those victims, and in my sadness for them I was able to shift to crying about my own horrible past & present. It was very cathartic, and eventually led to me discovering memories of my CSA.

Compassion on the other hand is hard for me to shift the focus. I have lots of compassion for people struggling in life, love to help others be successful. But I cant seem to find much for myself, even when I'm in the feeling of compassion for another and then shift to compassion for me and it doesnt work usually.

It's like I dont think I deserve to be happy and healed.

Do others relate?

Any tricks for developing compassion for self?

Crying is still my best and only emotional repair tool. Anger and frustration are harmful to me and my family and are way too easy to express.
 
Hi Dolphin42,
I am in the place you are regarding compassion. I too have it for others, never myself. My therapist realizes my difficulty and assures me that even thinking about compassion towards ourselves is improvement. She talks of rewiring those connections in our brains to allow compassion, for one, to occur. It takes repetitive attempts to achieve what we are trying to do. Being cognizant of it, realizing we don’t do it, or we need to do it, is a first step. She suggests to acknowledge the thought and begin to practice, or act on the thoughts. I admit self compassion never entered my mind, and lately it has become a thought. I practice now in acting on the thoughts. It is a long, slow process for me, and my therapist says that is what she sees in others. It’s literally retiring the brain to learn a new way.
Your ability to show emotion though your tears is another tool I am trying to learn. Again, my therapist says the grief can begin to be released though our tears. Allowing yourself to feel the grief, to act on it, is an act of self compassion. You can teach yourself, or show to yourself how you are trying to be kind to yourself through many things. Even a walk is self compassion when we do it to help our mind. i am told to remind myself of all I do in order to learn that I am beginning to live with self compassion. I can see where you are too. Realizing you don’t have it and need it, want it, is a big first step.
When the thoughts of worthlessness or self hatred arise, and they will, challenge them. You will begin to notice them more, and the compassionate thing to do is to correct them. They worthlessness is over. We would never allow a person we loved and cared for to live like that. We care too much for others to allow that. We need to compassionately correct our own self to change those thoughts in us. It’s a long process, but one that is worth it.
Take good care my friend. Thank you for the post, it is of vital importance.
Rick
 
Crying is my only emotional repair tool that I have at this point. I don't get angry because we were little kids when it all happened. I struggle with accepting that I can be and deserve love and compassion. Weirdly I don't want to tell people because I don't want sympathy. I don't want people to suddenly feel bad for me and start to pay attention to me only because I told them about the abuse. I feel like its false love and sympathy. They were not expressing anything before I told them so why should that change after telling? It seems fake to me.
 
I relate fully. I will always blame myself for anything happening, even when I am sure I didn't do anything wrong. And I have a huge protective attitude towards who I feel needs protection, even if they don't need it.

I think I feel I don't deserve it. Is it possible that is the same for you @Dolphin42 ?
I wonder if acknowledging that undeserving feeling is a first step to developing compassion for the self.

And it is also what Rick K. said. Feeling compassion, crying for yourself. Doing something positive, for you alone. All these things will help you reach that feeling that you are worth compassion. No huge things. No, small steps, babysteps.
 
You're singing my song D42... you know that since you've read what I write on this website. First, I'd note you decided to become a member recently... making a commitment to this website is making a commitment to YOU... it is an act of self-love which is related to self-compassion. It is an antidote to those feelings of worthlessness that are inherent in trauma. You've heard me say it enough times, that the residue of trauma is shame, terror, rage and grief. We know the shame directly... it is a constant companion that keeps us from valuing ourselves. We're worthless, right?

Rick describes the healing journey well. We're relying on the plasticity of the brain that was impacted by the trauma, creating new neural pathways. It is said it takes ten weeks to become comfortable with a new habit. I'm aware that since COVID arrived, it has become second nature for me to wash my hands after being away from home... it is rather like that. When we finally begin to consider the possibility we may be worth caring for we can reflect on what that might involve. I've mentioned this before but will again. I make my bed in the morning. I hang up clothes. I wash dishes and make a pot of tea. I've resumed a short meditation first thing in the morning... after washing up and brushing my teeth. Then I do some spiritual reading, write briefly in my journal before coming to MS for my morning visit with friends. This afternoon I'll take a hike in a nearby watershed. I do my best to eat sensibly but I still have a glass or two of whiskey in the evening... not ideal but I don't lose myself either in the alcohol or sexual acting out. I KNOW that when I'm able to do basic self care my days are better... and I need to keep doing them.

We each find our own way. First we need to release every message that diminishes us... our minds can be very cruel... we need to stop berating ourselves... and then consider what might feel like a kindness you can do for yourself. This is what the healing journey looks like for all of us. And it is natural when we begin caring for ourselves that we'll access grief over the tremendous losses we've experienced because trauma held us in its grip. But now we're releasing it all.

And NOW I need to get down on my hands and knees to wash the bathroom floor... which has needed it for some time. I'm a slow learner... :oops:
 
I can relate to your block. When I have cried in the past, I mourn the part of my live that was lost to abuse. And at times I have cried so hard I was out of tears. I do know how cathartic it is. My therapist pointed out that crying is a great way to dump that emotion. All that sadness and anger is validated and washed out. But once it's out, if I just go back to where I was, I will slowly fill up with sadness and anger again. The trick is to use that freed up emotional space for progress.

So maybe once that emotion is out try to do something that's on your agenda. For example, for the longest time I was going to write a letter to my inner child. It was one night after crying for about a half hour that I was finally able to do it.

I hear you talking about wanting to feel compassion. But I wonder if maybe you're not ready for that. I know I always like to push ahead with recovery but healing only comes when I'm ready for it, and it's a frustratingly slow process. I just have to take what comes to me.

Anyway, hope you're not down on yourself. Just crying was a huge milestone for me. For years emotion crept up on me unexpectedly. It took many years just to give myself permission to express my sadness and accept that it was totally justified. So that alone is progress.

Take care.
 
I will slowly fill up with sadness and anger again.
I am that way too. I cry hard, feel better for some days and then it suddenly turns dark again.

Just crying was a huge milestone for me.
It was very difficult for me to start crying. I was raised in a steel town where men were tough and didn't cry. Plus I had blocked my emotions for so long. When the tears come I tell myself its ok to cry just let it out. I now feel relief when I am able to cry.
 
I hear you talking about wanting to feel compassion. But I wonder if maybe you're not ready for that. I know I always like to push ahead with recovery but healing only comes when I'm ready for it, and it's a frustratingly slow process. I just have to take what comes to me.

Take care.
Thanks Dan99, this is important thought for me to keep in mind, yes, maybe a little compassion and a lot of help for myself in other ways is all I can do. I'm definitely type A and drive hard to make things better, myself included. My T suggested to slow it down after first discovering my CSA, but then I was just panicked.

Weirdly I don't want to tell people because I don't want sympathy. ... It seems fake to me.
Exactly same here randomnumber. I don't want my people in real life knowing, at least not yet and not until after I've done a lot of healing.


My therapist realizes my difficulty and assures me that even thinking about compassion towards ourselves is improvement.

Allowing yourself to feel the grief, to act on it, is an act of self compassion. You can teach yourself, or show to yourself how you are trying to be kind to yourself through many things.
Nice point your T makes about noting progress. Learning how to cry again was a huge improvement.

When the thoughts of worthlessness or self hatred arise, and they will, challenge them. You will begin to notice them more, and the compassionate thing to do is to correct them. They worthlessness is over. We would never allow a person we loved and cared for to live like that. We care too much for others to allow that. We need to compassionately correct our own self to change those thoughts in us. It’s a long process, but one that is worth it.
Take good care my friend. Thank you for the post, it is of vital importance.
Rick
Thank you RickK. Self hatred keeps me up at night, that's a tough one. But I like your "challenge them" approach. Good idea.

Yes, my family taught me to treat guests like royalty, and your own family with disdain.

I have learned to take care of my physical health. I feel better emotionally after a workout and just being in shape, generally. An odd thing happened in my early fifties, I started training again and never looked back: 5 days/week at the gym for me. I jokingly say I signed up for a health club where health is celebrated every day, instead of signing up for a health maintenance plan where my oil is check regularly and my tires get rotated, and I'm free to abuse myself in between checkups. This is self love, yes.

I think I feel I don't deserve it. Is it possible that is the same for you @Dolphin42 ?
I wonder if acknowledging that undeserving feeling is a first step to developing compassion for the self.
Thanks Darren. Yes, feeling like I don't deserve it, or worse that as soon as I have it, I will lose it.

The slow healing pattern is emerging. Yes, little things added along the way seem to help me, progress is so slow it is hard to see it.


You're singing my song D42... you know that since you've read what I write on this website. First, I'd note you decided to become a member recently... making a commitment to this website is making a commitment to YOU... it is an act of self-love which is related to self-compassion. It is an antidote to those feelings of worthlessness that are inherent in trauma. You've heard me say it enough times, that the residue of trauma is shame, terror, rage and grief. We know the shame directly... it is a constant companion that keeps us from valuing ourselves. We're worthless, right?

I KNOW that when I'm able to do basic self care my days are better... and I need to keep doing them.

We each find our own way. First we need to release every message that diminishes us... our minds can be very cruel... we need to stop berating ourselves... and then consider what might feel like a kindness you can do for yourself. This is what the healing journey looks like for all of us. And it is natural when we begin caring for ourselves that we'll access grief over the tremendous losses we've experienced because trauma held us in its grip. But now we're releasing it all.
Visitor, I spent most of my life stuck in this emotional handicap of shame and lack of self compassion. Not worthy of what others are worthy of in my own head is turning out to be quite a mind-fuck. I catch myself thinking this way all the time.

I only recently in life learned that parents are supposed to help their children learn to self-sooth their emotional hurts. A fabulous idea I wish my family practiced better when I was young.

I'm not able to release the trauma yet, Visitor, no shaking it off for me. I can barely find the ability for even short moments of self-compassion to sooth myself from the angry critical beast inside yelling at that I'm making a huge mistake every time I do work or email or postings to MS, or even dinner for my offspring.

It does seem to helping me to at least try to have compassion for myself, even if just for fleeting moments. Thanks.
 
It was very difficult for me to start crying. I was raised in a steel town where men were tough and didn't cry. Plus I had blocked my emotions for so long. When the tears come I tell myself its ok to cry just let it out. I now feel relief when I am able to cry.
There's a Youtube video for treating CPTSD in which the T mentions that it takes "a lot of crying" to heal from it.
 
...I only recently in life learned that parents are supposed to help their children learn to self-sooth their emotional hurts. A fabulous idea I wish my family practiced better when I was young.

I'm not able to release the trauma yet, Visitor, no shaking it off for me. I can barely find the ability for even short moments of self-compassion to sooth myself from the angry critical beast inside yelling at that I'm making a huge mistake every time I do work or email or postings to MS, or even dinner for my offspring.

It does seem to helping me to at least try to have compassion for myself, even if just for fleeting moments. Thanks.

As they say... Rome wasn't built in a day... and our recovery takes exactly the time it takes. I applaud how you so bravely talk about all of these feelings. I spent decades of my life lost in shame and acting out behavior and even after I remembered the trauma it took me another 25 years to get to the bottom of it all. All we can ever do actually is pick ourselves up each time we stumble... over and over again. But it is very different stumbling along with these painful memories when we can share them with other men who understand. That is why you're becoming a member is so important... it is an investment in doing this work with this community of men. How I wish I'd found this place twenty years ago and saved myself those years of ongoing confusion, shame and occasional acting out. So be gentle with yourself. We'll be here right beside you as you do this work. Thanks for sharing your journey with all of us.
 
Because of dissociation from bad and humiliating feelings I have spent days, weeks, months, or years of my life disconnected from my own emotions, from myself.

At some point last year I started visiting a gore site for accident videos. Its traumatic. I cried for some of those victims, and in my sadness for them I was able to shift to crying about my own horrible past & present. It was very cathartic, and eventually led to me discovering memories of my CSA.

Compassion on the other hand is hard for me to shift the focus. I have lots of compassion for people struggling in life, love to help others be successful. But I cant seem to find much for myself, even when I'm in the feeling of compassion for another and then shift to compassion for me and it doesnt work usually.

It's like I dont think I deserve to be happy and healed.

Do others relate?

Any tricks for developing compassion for self?

Crying is still my best and only emotional repair tool. Anger and frustration are harmful to me and my family and are way too easy to express.
Dolphin42

Your words resonate with me. I suffered from dissociative episodes and fugues that disconnected me from my emotions, from my myself and from the present as I escaped to forget the pain and hurt of the abuse. It is a difficult place to be, because you are not you but rather a part that you cannot identify. With fugues I disappeared and totally disconnected from me, no memories, no sense of where I was and how I ended up there. I could disappear for short periods and as the torment grew it became days and hospitalizations.

Over time and therapy I learned to see I was coping by escaping and not facing the past. I let others torment me, push me into reliving the pain of the abuse by their words and actions. I escaped through dissociation. I struggled for years, decades with this sense of being unattached. I met wonderful people, joined support groups and therapies that allowed me to slowly face the past and to keep me in the present. The latter was difficult because dissociation was my escape and protection mechanism. Once I realized, more importantly accept, that there were people who were there for me, not to push me back into the the past I slowly, and I say slowly, heal. I had false starts, I had progress and at times I regressed. As progress began to take hold I began to love myself, I had hated a part of myself and disowned this part of me. My T helped me tor reconnect with this part of me. It is a process and once you begin to accept it was not your fault, you do not need to escape because you have love around you that you could not see, you separate yourself from people who caused you to relive the abuse and/or deny your abuse.

I wish there was a magic pill, because I would have been first in line. I believe we have to process and accept the past. It sounds like a simple exercise, at least for me, it was painful and hurtful. I learned to rely on people who were there for me. We are here for you. Please be kind to yourself and learned to accept the guilt and shame of the abuse is not yours but rather the abusers and those that do not stand with you.

We are here for each other.

Kevin
 
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