I hear you talking about wanting to feel compassion. But I wonder if maybe you're not ready for that. I know I always like to push ahead with recovery but healing only comes when I'm ready for it, and it's a frustratingly slow process. I just have to take what comes to me.
Take care.
Thanks Dan99, this is important thought for me to keep in mind, yes, maybe a little compassion and a lot of help for myself in other ways is all I can do. I'm definitely type A and drive hard to make things better, myself included. My T suggested to slow it down after first discovering my CSA, but then I was just panicked.
Weirdly I don't want to tell people because I don't want sympathy. ... It seems fake to me.
Exactly same here randomnumber. I don't want my people in real life knowing, at least not yet and not until after I've done a lot of healing.
My therapist realizes my difficulty and assures me that even thinking about compassion towards ourselves is improvement.
Allowing yourself to feel the grief, to act on it, is an act of self compassion. You can teach yourself, or show to yourself how you are trying to be kind to yourself through many things.
Nice point your T makes about noting progress. Learning how to cry again was a huge improvement.
When the thoughts of worthlessness or self hatred arise, and they will, challenge them. You will begin to notice them more, and the compassionate thing to do is to correct them. They worthlessness is over. We would never allow a person we loved and cared for to live like that. We care too much for others to allow that. We need to compassionately correct our own self to change those thoughts in us. It’s a long process, but one that is worth it.
Take good care my friend. Thank you for the post, it is of vital importance.
Rick
Thank you RickK. Self hatred keeps me up at night, that's a tough one. But I like your "challenge them" approach. Good idea.
Yes, my family taught me to treat guests like royalty, and your own family with disdain.
I have learned to take care of my physical health. I feel better emotionally after a workout and just being in shape, generally. An odd thing happened in my early fifties, I started training again and never looked back: 5 days/week at the gym for me. I jokingly say I signed up for a health club where health is celebrated every day, instead of signing up for a health maintenance plan where my oil is check regularly and my tires get rotated, and I'm free to abuse myself in between checkups. This is self love, yes.
I think I feel I don't deserve it. Is it possible that is the same for you @Dolphin42 ?
I wonder if acknowledging that undeserving feeling is a first step to developing compassion for the self.
Thanks Darren. Yes, feeling like I don't deserve it, or worse that as soon as I have it, I will lose it.
The slow healing pattern is emerging. Yes, little things added along the way seem to help me, progress is so slow it is hard to see it.
You're singing my song D42... you know that since you've read what I write on this website. First, I'd note you decided to become a member recently... making a commitment to this website is making a commitment to YOU... it is an act of self-love which is related to self-compassion. It is an antidote to those feelings of worthlessness that are inherent in trauma. You've heard me say it enough times, that the residue of trauma is shame, terror, rage and grief. We know the shame directly... it is a constant companion that keeps us from valuing ourselves. We're worthless, right?
I KNOW that when I'm able to do basic self care my days are better... and I need to keep doing them.
We each find our own way. First we need to release every message that diminishes us... our minds can be very cruel... we need to stop berating ourselves... and then consider what might feel like a kindness you can do for yourself. This is what the healing journey looks like for all of us. And it is natural when we begin caring for ourselves that we'll access grief over the tremendous losses we've experienced because trauma held us in its grip. But now we're releasing it all.
Visitor, I spent most of my life stuck in this emotional handicap of shame and lack of self compassion. Not worthy of what others are worthy of in my own head is turning out to be quite a mind-fuck. I catch myself thinking this way all the time.
I only recently in life learned that parents are supposed to help their children learn to self-sooth their emotional hurts. A fabulous idea I wish my family practiced better when I was young.
I'm not able to release the trauma yet, Visitor, no shaking it off for me. I can barely find the ability for even short moments of self-compassion to sooth myself from the angry critical beast inside yelling at that I'm making a huge mistake every time I do work or email or postings to MS, or even dinner for my offspring.
It does seem to helping me to at least try to have compassion for myself, even if just for fleeting moments. Thanks.