**Possible triggers**
Hi. This might be easier if i just explain everything, and then anyone who can offer any advice, i'd really appreciate it.
My boyfriend and I met about three and a half months ago. We quickly hit it off, chatting in a pub. He told me a bit about his past and it was clear that there was a lot of trauma; he's a military vet and has seen active combat, following which he was married to a woman who was physically and emotionally abusive toward him. He lost his son in the divorce as his ex threatened to accuse him of molesting their son if he tried to argue for custody (he had been the main carer up until that point, as she has an alcohol addiction). That was about 13 years ago.
So mostly I spent the first weekend just listening to him and allowing him to talk. In the last year he's lost all his income because of the covid lockdown and has been quite depressed, suicidal at times. He drinks more than he should, although only when out in town - he goes days in between without drinking (although his mood suffers for it).
His mother also lost her income and apartment this year, and demanded to move in with him, so when we started seeing each other, as i work from home, i offered him to come and use my apartment to get away from her any time he wanted. He basically moved in a few days later (although he still won't get a key cut, lol).
Oddly enough - and believe me, it sounds unlikely even to me - in these three months we've very much fallen in love. He's clever and funny, he loves to cook, we love all the same things and have great conversations about politics, films, books, music, we both love to go hiking so we've been doing that on the weekends - all that sort of stuff. In many ways it's a totally normal, very enjoyable relationship and both of us feel like this is 'the one'. We want it to last.
But underneath all that, there are issues.
Since I've known him he's always talked very badly about his mother. I figured that she was emotionally abusive, and that that was the root of a lot of his lack of self esteem. But last week we were with some friends, out for a drink and he said something like 'you don't know what a b*** my mother is.' I said "what do you mean?" and he said "she sold me to my uncle for him to rape me, in return for use of his convertible car." I was so shocked i could only say "Oh my God." Then he added: "That's not the worst thing" and without thinking i interjected "I don't want to know." We haven't spoken about it since.
Money is a big issue: i'm earning very little - just enough to get by on when it was just me, not going out or doing anything - and he earns none. I can see that this is denting his pride, but he can't seem to get himself together enough to do something about it. I'm starting to slide into my overdraft paying for food for both of us. When i've tried to bring it up he promises he'll do something to earn some money, but the next day goes straight back to watching films on his laptop all day, leaving me feeling like i have to deal with the problem all by myself, which is starting to make me resentful and feeling somewhat abandoned. I don't know what to do about that.
And the other issue is intimacy. He told me very early on that he has a problem with impotency, but that he has some pills which can overcome that problem. They're sitting on our kitchen counter. I few times i've suggested we could use them but he's demurred, saying he wants it to be special, not just any night. Realising that full sex might be too challenging i've suggested a few times that we could try something else, just being intimate without an expectation of sex, but he seems to have it in his mind that it has to be sex or nothing - and as he's frightened that he won't be able to perform, it always ends up being nothing. Also, i suspect it runs deeper than that as he seems to find even kissing problematic, pulling away after a few seconds at most.
I'm more than willing to work with him on all of these things - to take it slowly in the bedroom, to help him in any way i can to earn some money, to talk to him about his past, but he shrugs me off and says he doesn't want to talk about it. If I ask him if he's ok he shrugs, but won't say any more. I understand these things take time, but because he's closed down, i've started finding myself keeping secrets from him, doing little things behind his back which i feel i have to hide, like posting on this forum for example.
Guys, talk to me about the communication thing. Will he open up in time if i'm patient enough? Should i encourage him to talk to me or just leave him alone until he's ready? Partners, how do you deal with the distance without feeling like the relationship is suffering for it? I know it's early days, i just want to start out on the right track rather than letting problems develop and having to sort them out down the road.
Hi. This might be easier if i just explain everything, and then anyone who can offer any advice, i'd really appreciate it.
My boyfriend and I met about three and a half months ago. We quickly hit it off, chatting in a pub. He told me a bit about his past and it was clear that there was a lot of trauma; he's a military vet and has seen active combat, following which he was married to a woman who was physically and emotionally abusive toward him. He lost his son in the divorce as his ex threatened to accuse him of molesting their son if he tried to argue for custody (he had been the main carer up until that point, as she has an alcohol addiction). That was about 13 years ago.
So mostly I spent the first weekend just listening to him and allowing him to talk. In the last year he's lost all his income because of the covid lockdown and has been quite depressed, suicidal at times. He drinks more than he should, although only when out in town - he goes days in between without drinking (although his mood suffers for it).
His mother also lost her income and apartment this year, and demanded to move in with him, so when we started seeing each other, as i work from home, i offered him to come and use my apartment to get away from her any time he wanted. He basically moved in a few days later (although he still won't get a key cut, lol).
Oddly enough - and believe me, it sounds unlikely even to me - in these three months we've very much fallen in love. He's clever and funny, he loves to cook, we love all the same things and have great conversations about politics, films, books, music, we both love to go hiking so we've been doing that on the weekends - all that sort of stuff. In many ways it's a totally normal, very enjoyable relationship and both of us feel like this is 'the one'. We want it to last.
But underneath all that, there are issues.
Since I've known him he's always talked very badly about his mother. I figured that she was emotionally abusive, and that that was the root of a lot of his lack of self esteem. But last week we were with some friends, out for a drink and he said something like 'you don't know what a b*** my mother is.' I said "what do you mean?" and he said "she sold me to my uncle for him to rape me, in return for use of his convertible car." I was so shocked i could only say "Oh my God." Then he added: "That's not the worst thing" and without thinking i interjected "I don't want to know." We haven't spoken about it since.
Money is a big issue: i'm earning very little - just enough to get by on when it was just me, not going out or doing anything - and he earns none. I can see that this is denting his pride, but he can't seem to get himself together enough to do something about it. I'm starting to slide into my overdraft paying for food for both of us. When i've tried to bring it up he promises he'll do something to earn some money, but the next day goes straight back to watching films on his laptop all day, leaving me feeling like i have to deal with the problem all by myself, which is starting to make me resentful and feeling somewhat abandoned. I don't know what to do about that.
And the other issue is intimacy. He told me very early on that he has a problem with impotency, but that he has some pills which can overcome that problem. They're sitting on our kitchen counter. I few times i've suggested we could use them but he's demurred, saying he wants it to be special, not just any night. Realising that full sex might be too challenging i've suggested a few times that we could try something else, just being intimate without an expectation of sex, but he seems to have it in his mind that it has to be sex or nothing - and as he's frightened that he won't be able to perform, it always ends up being nothing. Also, i suspect it runs deeper than that as he seems to find even kissing problematic, pulling away after a few seconds at most.
I'm more than willing to work with him on all of these things - to take it slowly in the bedroom, to help him in any way i can to earn some money, to talk to him about his past, but he shrugs me off and says he doesn't want to talk about it. If I ask him if he's ok he shrugs, but won't say any more. I understand these things take time, but because he's closed down, i've started finding myself keeping secrets from him, doing little things behind his back which i feel i have to hide, like posting on this forum for example.
Guys, talk to me about the communication thing. Will he open up in time if i'm patient enough? Should i encourage him to talk to me or just leave him alone until he's ready? Partners, how do you deal with the distance without feeling like the relationship is suffering for it? I know it's early days, i just want to start out on the right track rather than letting problems develop and having to sort them out down the road.
