Comming to terms with my past?

Comming to terms with my past?
Ok,
I just have been fighting with my wife! My brain works so much different than others!
I am fucked up and I know it!
I drank a little tonight.......not good!
My wife is a good person and I think that what happened to me, and who I almost became, and what I feel inside today,,,is taking it's toll on me and my marriage. It sucks,,,,,,,I do not want to loose my family over this!
Is part of healing destroying what you have.....ok, I know that I should not have been drinking for that ......I say.... Shit!
Monkey on my back?????????? Should we seek revenge and hate?????????
Fuck, I better go sleep it off for know ;........
My life has been a living hell going through this and I do not know how much more I can take of this thing called life!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could go back to the place of denial and I wish with all my heart that I never looked back at what happened to me and the things I have done in my early twenties! Forgive Me now!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks
Fisher.................
 
Sorry to anyone who read my last comment and was offended by it!
My life seams to be a roller coaster of emotions. Up, Down, Angry, Sad and more!
It a fucking war raging inside my head!
I am trying so hard to maintain a nomal and positive attitude.......through all that I am facing! If my wife only knew how I strugle with my past each and every day.......
I did not ask for this fucked up man to fuck me up! Sometimes it all seams to be to much!
There is so much insite as I look back at what had happned to me from the ages of 10 to 15+ as I equate that to the effects it had on my early adult life.
Now that I am older, it pisses me off as if I have to start my life all over!
I do not undertand it all but what I have come to understand for that I am grateful!
My Prayer:
Oh God, please helo me to cope with my past and to be a loving husband to my wife and son.
Help me to learn what I want to learn and to understand what I need to understand.
For now it seams like I am on a dark sea being tossed back and forth with now light house in site. Please oh lord, grant me peace inside my own self. Grant me peace that I may share it with others. Grant me insite, that I may come to know what I need to.
Amen
"Why did I just write that? I don't know..my heart told me to......
I wish that the man accross the street never did the things he did! I wish that he never minipulated me into thinking that I was wrong at such a young age. To become a teen ager and ressel with suicide and drugs to num the dirty feeling inside.
Oh how I wish this was all a bad dream........
I do know that as long as I am breathing I will keep on trying! I will not give up and long for the peace I so despritley need.......
I thank all of so very much for even taking the time to read this.........
Fisher
 
we're here Fisher. And we can all relate. It is hard. Sometimes it's easier, there are breakthroughs, and sometimes it just feels impossible. I'm right there with you, feeling the isolation from your family - how could they ever really understand what you're going through? But I'm sure they love you and want you to be well. And you will be well.
peace, fisher.
-Al
 
Fisher Friend,

It seems horrible where you are. Have you explored (healthy) ways to ground yourself? When I'm where you are, that's what I need to do most 'cause I start floating in a million directions. I don't mean to be trite; I know it's hard. Sometimes, something as simple as holding and sipping a glass of icewater grounds me enough to pause and sort through the most immediate stuff.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Keep coming back here.

JM
 
fisher
somedays we're up and others we're down, and the further we progress the bigger the gap seems to be.

When we've done some work and had some success with our recovery we feel good, as we should so rightly do.
But then along comes some incident to knock us back and we have further to fall, and we have an understanding of what is happening, so we're even more pissed off.

But we get back up again, why ?

I do know that as long as I am breathing I will keep on trying! I will not give up and long for the peace I so despritley need.......
Click to expand...
That's why.........
Lloydy
 
Dear Fisher,

Keep posting. And keep reading what you have written. You will find great strength in your own words. This is some of what you have written, and I have added some words. What I have written is what I KNOW. You may not believe it just now, but it is true.
I am not alone!
No, you are not alone. And what you are feeling and thinking and going through can be endured. Keep letting it out, and keep asking for help.

There is alot I can not or will not talk about, but one thing I know that I am not the same man I was over a decade ago.........

I am afraid I will have to go back and face my past, which seems so long ago and looking at a person that I am not today!

None of us is the person we were years ago. Many of us regret things we have done, and that is a good thing. It shows we have grown and know better now. I have much to regret also. But I know that most of the things I regret, I did under the influence and control of the after-effects of what was done to me. When those things happened, I could NOT do otherwise as I unconsciously tried to reconcile my Normal Human needs and desires with the twisted perceptions and feelings that had been imposed upon me. Some of the most hurtful things I did were a matter of self-preservation, of my sanity, if not my very life.

I offten ask myself if I will ever feel ok about myself and if this will be something I will live with until I die.
You will feel ok about yourself and about life again. It takes time, and work, and there will be low points, but it WILL happen. You will always remember, but in time, it will be merely another biographical fact about you.

Do I fogive? Am I fogivin?
You are forgiven. For what it's worth, I forgive you and I'm sure the other guys here do also. Now you must forgive yourself - While you may have been the "Actor" in the things you regret, you were NOT the "Director" or the "Producer".
As for whether you should forgive, that is something you must decide eventually. I will only say that I have come to realize that forgiving another can be more ABOUT, and more FOR the FORGIVER, than it is for the forgiven.

He fucked me up for life and I hope and pray that I once again will be able to enjoy life.
For now I am a tormented man inside.
I hope that It will not allways be this way!
He hijacked your life for many years but now you are taking it back. You will be able to enjoy living and being again.
You feel tormented NOW, because you are feeling the emotions you repressed for so many many years. They are the emotions of a frightened, vulnerable, angry child and they seem alien and inappropriate and definitely unwanted. They are none of that, they are normal and necessary and they will recede by facing them and accepting them.

Another thing is that not a day goes by now that I do not remember what happened to me and it causes so many feelings of regret, disappointment, depression, anger, and the question WHY ME!
There is no answer to that, "WHY ME!". Regret, disappointment, depression....Well, I keep telling myself this, "I've given up hope of having had a better, happy childhood and life." Now I can concentrate on creating happiness in my present and for my future.
ANGER - a good thing. Just make sure it is directed where it belongs. Don't turn it on yourself, because that leads to depression and addictions. Don't turn it on your loved ones, because that's cutting off your nose to spite your face. In time, the anger will change also. It could become a great motivator to LIVE fully and fearlessly. Or to help prevent abuse of others.

Is part of healing destroying what you have
Sometimes the answer to this is yes. If what you have is based on secrets and lies, then it probably should be destroyed or just forgotten. But hold on to, protect, and nourish what is based on Truth, and Love, and Beauty.

Forgive Me now!!!!!!!!!!
You Are and Will Be Forgiven

I do not undertand it all but what I have come to understand for that I am grateful!

I do know that as long as I am breathing I will keep on trying!
Some things you may never understand. I have spent decades trying to remember and understand every single detail, feeling, and action. I thought if I knew it all, it would make sense, I would see a reason AND a purpose for what I went through. I let this search take up far too much time, too much energy, TOO MUCH LIFE. Try not to do the same.
Click to expand...
Fisher, I heard the exact same thing from my mother:
" you need to forget it and move on..."
Click to expand...
I had the same reaction, for many of the same reasons. But now, one year later I've thought about this a lot. I thought of the things she has lived through, the Depression, World War II, the death of an infant child, early widowhood with four children still in grade school.

So I went back to her and we talked again and we cleared this up. You don't forget. You never forget and sometimes, even 50 years later, you see or hear or smell something, or you just remember, and you are right back there again.

But you are not there. You are here. And you are alive. And that is a good thing. It is the best thing. Sometimes, this is the only thing we have to hang on to. Then we carry on from there.

Hang on Fisher. We need you. Your family needs you.

Donald
 
Fisher,
CA Code of Civil Procedure:
340.1. (a) In an action for recovery of damages suffered as a result of childhood sexual abuse, the time for commencement of the action shall be within eight years of the date the plaintiff attains the age of majority or within three years of the date the plaintiff discovers or reasonably should have discovered that psychological injury or illness occurring after the age of majority was caused by the sexual abuse, whichever period expires later...
 
Fisher,

Pain and fury. So much pain and so much fury. Do you have ways to be hurt/sad or angry? I cry a lot in my bed alone when I am hurt. I have a punching back, and I punch the fuck out of whoever I'm angry with. I've found that even in moments when I'm not angry, if I just start hitting that bag, I feel the solid steel cone of fury rise up within me, and I punch that bag until my bad back makes me unable to continue.

Nobody in my life is even close to understanding or feeling what I go through. The most intelligent, emotionally sensitive person is incapable of fathoming this experience without feeling it themselves. The intensity of agony, shame, killing fury, deathly fear. The girlfriend I was living with, who loved me and is smart and sensitive, kicked me out.

All my mother can say is, "Why do you keep dragging up the past?" and "When will you get a job?" I told my mother I was abused by a friend of hers a few years after it happened, and she did nothing. And now, she denies that I even told her, although other members of the family remember the other things that also happened on that day. My mother saying this only made me feel worse--more pain and more like a freak. And it made me hate her. "What a bitch! Fuck her!"

I have been supported through this time by these books:

The Courage To Heal, by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass
(Someone recommended this book up above, and it is essential.) In particular, start with finding a safe place to feel, and finding ways to express your pain (crying) and rage (hitting a mattress). Includes a section on family members and partners.

Allies In Healing, by Laura Davis will help you and your wife work together on what's happening and may contribute to the preservation of your marriage. It will help her understand you, you understand you, and you understand her. Also helpful for retrospective understanding of all your relationships.

Sexual Healing Journey, by Wendy Maltz. Helps figure out what's going on with sex, including with partners.

Victims No Longer, by Mike Lew.

Drama of the Gifted Child, by Alice Miller. Best book on therapy in general and from the way your parents raised you.

These books are always there, supporting me, helping me understand myself, and helping me be understanding of myself. Before finding this forum, they were the only contact that I had from another person that was supportive of me.

I drink alcohol or eat also, but I've figured out that it's because I can't accept exactly how much pain there is and I turn to pain-numbing substances and activities (shopping, working, masturbating). Just stopping and feeling the pain, or crying, works. Feeling the pain intensely and for as long as it takes. Then I don't need a drink. After working through it a couple of times, I began to believe it, and now, when I start to hurt, I just hurt consciously as an almost reflex reaction. I can even do it when other people are around, or while carrying on limited activities.

Identify all the things you do when the emotions are too much and you're desperate. That is the best time to learn to ask yourself, "What am I feeling right now?" I almost never know what I'm feeling. Well, except that I can assume that I'm always feeling anxiety.

"weep and rage"
"although you may think you are going crazy..."

I can remember almost nothing of my childhood. It is very difficult for me to accept this, but remembering all the details is not the most important thing. Accepting my feelings now and getting myself emotionally squared away for the rest of my life is the most important thing. Remembering the events is useful to the extent that it helps make sense of the emotions. You already know enough to explain any emotion. Also, memories come back when the emotions are worked through, sometimes, not the other way around. So you have to try forward emotional progress now, and the memories will come when you're ready for them. That being said, the awareness of the loss of my memory has shaken my confidence in my own mind, confused me, disoriented me, and caused me to doubt myself and wonder what else I should be suspicious of.

You are not alone. In general, everything that is happening inside of you, every emotion, every thought, is a natural human result of what happened to you. People around you misunderstand. They are wrong.

Ryan
 
George:

The situation with your wife sounds similar to mine in lots of ways, except that you are further into recovery, about a year for me. So your post gives me hope. Thanks.

Fisher:

As other brothers in survival have so well put it already, no need for apologies for that post on 9-10. That's what forums like this one are for and one reason we need them.

On 9-11 you wrote: "Why did I just write that? I don't know..my heart told me to......" Personally I find forums like this one, journaling, email groups, etc, a great place for just writing & pouring things out, however others may or may not respond. I need to do it more.

Oh, that includes your prayer. I find pouring myself out to God openly really helps, especially in writing. I'm praying that prayer with you, brother.

Lloydy:

Love your post. "the further we progress the bigger the gap seems to be." Never quite thot of it like that. Thanks!

Don:

As ARW says, great words to live by!

For what its worth to everyone, my T has told me more than once, and now I often tell myself, "Don't ask why"

To ask my mother why she abused me as she did, even if she didn't just deny it, well, what explanation would be adequate? Would it make me feel better, or worse?

Its becoming more important to me to know not why but that it did happen, I can't change it, but I can change what it does to my life. And I will.

Thanks Don!

Thad:

Thanks for sharing that CA code. I don't live in CA but I can check my state. I'll keep that in mind for future reference.

Ryan:

Thanks for your good words about letting out your emotions in positive ways! I work hard on that one! I'm sure as you do so, you will gain more confidence in your mind & your memories, to whatever degree or in whatever way they come back to you. Mine seem to have come back as I'm ready for & need them, tho I do sometimes have my doubts.

Men, another good book to add to Ryan's list (none of which I've read but have read & heard good reviews) is Mike Lew's 2nd book, "Leaping Upon the Mountains." This book is full of practical & specific survival tips, insights & encouragement, for men in all different stages & places of recovery. I recommend it highly.

Be Well, Men

Wuame
:)
 
Hi guys!

Thank you so much for the support and understanding!

I have been kinda busy, so I just wanted to pop in and say hello to you all and to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Fisher,,,,,,,,,,,,
 
Ok everyone,

It's 1:30 am and I can't sleep. Ever sence I have not only confrunted what happned to me from ages 10 to 15+, I have had to confront my own self! Im fucked up and for that I have nothing to say.
Ever sence I started looking at myself, what I whent through as a child and the effects it had on me than (why i acted like I did) and now in my relationship with my wife and family.
I have become very angry and unhappy now. I live every day with a memory of what happned to me and what I was like in my early adult life. Its fucked!
It seems to have ripped me off of the joy I once felt. I struggle with secret thoughts of sucide.
My wife says that ever sence I started dealing with these issues, I have become angry and depressed.
I find myself every day trying to understand my own self.
Is it possible that I am trying to hard to understand and what I really need to do is just let it go?
My wife said today that she thinks that me writting on this web site that I am doing nothing more than remembering. That maybe it is not good to keep dwelling on this and just move on.
I was molested by an older man next door when I was around ten. He sexualy brain washed me with money, lies and so much more. He would tell me that this is what people do that love each other! and so on and so on.....its fucked. I will post my full story in the next few days..to help you better understand.
Somethimes I wish that I was raped! Not slowly molested for years by a twisted man that ended up twiesting me for the rest of my life. Ass hole Merril!
Any way, just needed to vent.
I am affraid that my marriage may be falling apart and I am seperating myself from my family.
I love them so, I just want to be free from this !
Free to feel confident in who and what I am today!
I can tell you this..........
I am not the same man I was a decade ago!
It fucked,
My wife is a very sweet women who I think I am destroying!
The worst part is that I am distroying my own self and I afind myself welcoming death to be free........
If it was not for them, my son and my wife, I would have whent down that road long ago.
Being molested effects who you are.....what you are.......how you deal with things.......of maybe how you dont. It messes you up sexualy. It stunts your natual growth sexualy and makes you think like no other person that has not gone through such a thing as this. It's fucked..........
I am gettin older and I whant to enjoy life,,,not regret it!!!!
By for now..........
Venting,,,,,,,,

Fisher.........................
 
Hey Fisher,

I can not emphasize enough how I can empathize with your pain and frustration. One of my biggest problems with this abuse has been the amount of time I spend dwelling on it. While it does help quite a bit sometimes to just vent, there are times when it is simply debilitating. As abused persons, we can and do tend to engage in self-pity and think about negative things to let our frustrations out (somewhat like when I was little and people are mad at me, so I would think...you'll be really sorry if something bad happened to me. Then I think of all these horrible things, and then I feel better after I cried myself to self-pity). I don't know if it's partly a defense mechanism of sorts or simply a way to let out our emotions I think. Please understand, I am not as experienced in the healing process as some here, and maybe I have not seen enough of life yet (as one in his early 20's), but I will say that first off, what you are doing is as expected. How often we all do that...especially when this whole abuse issue first surfaced. The problem though is whether or not you are letting this abuse consume you. That is something you cannot do.

For instance, there are concrete issues in my life that I have to deal with--yes, the abuse has affected so many aspects of my life. Still, I refuse to give in to the notion that it has caused ALL the grief in my life. The point here is that you have to be careful that you deal with the abuse, not hide behind it. The best way of doing it, I think, is to focus on what you do know to be right...what you do know to be good things that will improve your life. I often ask myself...okay, so I am in this deep "doo-doo", what do I do now about it? Am I gonna sit here and sulk about it pretending it'll go away, or will I tackle it one by one.

I mean for you to have reached this far in your healing...to have survived all the things you have and yet have a family, the courage to write to us, etc., shows that you are a man of ability. You know yourself that you can get through this and KNOW how to resolve some of your issues. So, work on it. Don't worry too much about the abuse...put it in the back of your mind a sec, and focus on what you do know to be right and good. Sometimes, that little bit of time you take to do something else...to refocus...will help you resolve the issues that are involved in your abuse.

I mean it's like any other "job" you have to deal with. You reach a frustrating point...a "writer's block"...so what do you do? Work on something else for a little bit, then go back into it. I do not mean to belittle this issue, I am very much aware of how debilitating and irresistable it is sometimes to just think about the abuse. Still, you are much more than that. Yes, we are persons who were abused. BUT we are "persons" first with intellect, capacity for love, determination to not fail in our struggle, relationships with our family, friends...the point is we have other aspects of our lives as well. We can not define ourselves by the abuse.

Anyway, it's early and I apologize if what I say simply seems like meaningless drivel, but it's all I can think of to say for now. The point is...we'll all go through our ups and downs...and rather than keep thinking of how horrible it is that we have gone as low as we have, we should instead think of how we're going to get back up again :cool:
 
You are not alone, but I am too upset right now to reply. I too am hurting. I will send you a private message. Maybe I can write more there.
 
Fisher,
I can so understand how you are feeling. You will get through this just keep posting. I've read your post and they sound so much like me at times. Check your pm. I sent you one.
 
Fisher
When I read your post I felt the pain of not being understood, although I was so lucky in that respect - my wife struggled through and found a level of understanding I find incredible.

But what it brought to mind was this handout I got at college the other day ( I've started a counselling course )

*******************************************

IF YOU ARE GOING TO HELP ME.......

Please be patient while I decide if I can trust you.

Let me tell you my story. The whole story. In my own way.

Please accept that whatever I may have done and whatever I may do, it is the best I have to offer and seemed right at the time.

I am not "A" person. I am "THIS" person, unique and special.

Don't judge me as right or wrong, bad or good. I am what I am and that is all I have got.

Don't assume that your knowledge about me is more accurate than mine. You only know what I have told you, and that's only part of me.

Don't ever think that you know what I should do, you don't. I may be confused, but I am still the expert about me.

Don't place me in a position of living up to your expectations. I have enough trouble with my own.

Please hear my feelings, not just my words - accept all of them. If you can't, how can I ?

Don't save me. I can do it myself. I knew enough to ask for your help didn't I ? Help me to better myself.

*************************************************

That seems like a very good place to start for survivors and their partners

Lloydy
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top