Comments or Suggestions?
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. For most of my life I have done very little to deal with this issue and kept it secret. I never told my wife for most of our marriage. I am now dealing with the abuse in the open. I have told my wife. my children, and the rest of my family. I have been seeing a psychologist for the past two years, I have talked to my minister, and I am seeing a psychiatrist who placed me on medication for an anxiety disorder. I also attended a Male Survivor week-end retreat. Things have been changing quickly for me and here is my problem, my wife is not keeping up with the change. If anything she is trying to prevent growth. I will admit that in the course of our marriage, we have gotten into arguments and I have been verbally abusive toward her. However, she has been just as verbally abusive back and at other times has been physical. She wants to be in complete control of my life. She is often fearful of new environments and tries to keep me close at hand should a need arise. I often think she came from an abused environement herself. Many of the symptoms I have seen displayed by myself and other abuse victims, I see in her. She denies any possibility of this when I approach her about it. I have heard rumors that her father was an alcoholic, but she does not talk about this either. When my psychologists talks with her he tells me he sees issues involving abandonment. If he knows why they are there, he is not telling me. In addition, she has done other things. Last summer in a rage, she tried to smash a cabinet door in my face. She deals with this as if her reaction was common. Everything I try to do for myself, I have to fight for. She keeps a private savings account for herself, but when I opened an account up in my name she got upset. I decided to join a Bible study group at church. I intentionally picked a class she was not attending. I wanted to attend this class as an individual and not as a couple. As soon as I joined the group, she wanted to switch from her study group to my group. I told her no, that I wanted to be in a group without her. The result is now she won't attend any group. This summer, I wanted to return to my hometown. As a part of therapy, I wanted to revisit places that held fond memories as well as places where I was abused. It was something I wanted to do alone. It was a struggle to do this. This Christmas, I asked for an airline ticket to visit my family in Florida. It has been two years since I have seen them. Also, I have not seen them since I told them about my abuse. Needless to say I didn't get the ticket. She told me, she felt it wasn't fair that I went to Florida and her and the kids couldn't go. When I tried to tell her why I needed to go, she told me it wasn't necessary for me to go by myself. I could pull my family aside and talk to them privately if I needed. Incidently a ticket to Florida from where I live is not an expensive item. Most of the jewelry I buy her cost more than that ticket. Needless to say this has esculated into a big argument. I have come to realize that I was abused as a child and I have allowed that abuse to continue into my marriage. I fell sorry for my wife as I believe she has problems of her own, but it is hard to help someone who refuses to admit to a problem. She prefers to address me as being the problem. She tells me I have become mean since being on medication. I might listen to this if other poeple told me that too, but she is the only one. As a side bar, since I have been in therapy and taking less gruff from her, she was released from her job after being with her employer for twelve years last June and is having difficulty with her current employer. I believe she may be taking out some of her frustrations at work now. That is where my biggest problem comes. We have three children ages 15, 13, and 9. I am afraid to leave her for fear of what might happen to the children. I do not feel she would intentionally hurt them, but I think she would place expectations on them to fulfill her own needs at their expense. Also, there is a financial aspect involved. Together we make sufficent money to provide many extras for our children. Living separately, these extras would not be possible. I think the children blame me for the problems at home. They believe much of what their mother tells them about me and are too young to understand the whole story. I think they would hate me if my leaving home would change their lifestyle. I realize this is a long message and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. I am open to any suggestions.
