Coming undone

Coming undone
J

James1980

Registrant
Two years ago when my mother committed suicide, I thought I would find peace. A lifetime of hiding, running, and finally the woman whom I hated so much took her life. Nevertheless, I have found nothing but the bottom since her death. Approaching forty and just recently have I confessed the abuse that I suffered as a child but it really only came out because my wife confronted me about years of infidelity and betrayal. I'm just spinning right now, aimless and lost. The cloud over me is darkening and I can't see any light.

When I was seven years old, my mother was recovering from breast augmentation surgery and my father was out of town working construction. I can remember the night vividly. The Legos on the floor, my cat Bandit laying on my bed. The feel of the carpet. I heard her voice faintly calling for me down the hallway. I knew she was recovering from surgery and she had been in her room all day. I'm in that hallway right now...the glow of her bedroom light and the end of my life.

She was laying across the bed, barely covered with only bandages across her chest. She was acting weird and her voice was different. Obviously looking back on it now she was caught in the oxy addiction that she used to overdose later in life. I laid upon the bed as she asked me and she began talking about why she had her surgery. How it would make her beautiful and make her feel good about herself. She spoke of how my father was unable to make her happy. That she suspected him a homosexual and described in detail his inability to sexually satisfy her. She asked me that she deserved happiness and she was my mother I was dying for her. Her sadness was devastating for me to hear. After I was crying and hugging her, she asked if I wanted to see what they had done. I can still see her taking off the bandages and revealing her breasts with sutures around the nipples. She told me to touch them. That it would make her happy. She guided my hand...she started caressing me...i still feel shame over getting an erection...she guided my hands down and had me put my fingers inside of her. I black out at this moment and I remember waking up later. Abuse like this continued into my teenage years and my father was always violent and physically abusive towards me. I feared and hated him but felt that he knew and that I deserved every beating.

Her suicide has crippled me. The walls that were solid are crumbling and I'm starting to feel like I'm coming undone. I didn't survive and on certain days I wish one of them would have killed me instead. I live for highs and I only find the depths. My wife, my children, my career bring me nothing. I feel so lost. I realize that I need to try therapy but I'm skeptical that this story ends happily.
 
Dear James.

No son, daughter, no child, nobody should ever have to go through what you experienced and what you are experiencing right now.
I am sorry. I know that nothing I say can extinguish your pain.

But the shame, fear, hatred, and hopelessness are all consequences of what people like us went through. They are not us.

I believe we are something else, and therapy can be one of the supports we need to thrive, to move on from the consequences of the trauma we suffered for so long.

We were hurt in the context of a relationship, and the healing can happen through relationships too: with a proper therapist, a support group, family, and friends who can bear witness our suffering.
Also with a healthier relationship with ourselves.

I am not there yet, on the happy end of my own story.
But I am sure we can apply different strategies from the unhealthy ones we have been using for so many years.
You started already doing that, by acknowledging and disclosing your struggle.

Take good care of yourself, James. You deserve to get better.
 
Hello James1980,

I am sorry that you feel the way that you do currently, but it is understandable to me as to why you do. To begin with what both of your parents did was wrong, your mother abused you sexually and your father did physically. You got a double serving of trauma from the two people that are supposed to love you most in the world. It goes without saying obviously this was very wrong for either of them to do what they did. Children need their parents; they are the ones that are supposed to light the way for us and to act a guide down the path of life.

Your comment, “Her suicide has crippled me,” I think is caused by conflict within yourself. Yes, she traumatized you, but she was your mother and I know people that feel differently, but for my book it is difficult for you if you did not love your mother in some ways. Obviously, not in the way her Oxy induced states wanted you to. However, this is the person that brought you into the world and I think for many that carries weight. So, there is a part of you which is acting normal to be saddened and feel lost because this has happened. Not because of what she did, but because who she was, which was your mother. Many people, regardless of our parent’s flaws and mistakes, cannot still not help but to love them. It is a built in and naturalized things for us to do so. You cannot ask a mountain to be a mountain same principal applies to us, you cannot ask us to be anything more human beings because it is simply what we are.

Thinking all your problems would disappear when she was gone just does not seem that way that trauma works. When we ae traumatized those are wounds that just go around with you regardless, and they do not want to let go or let us move past them easily. You still carry this trauma and the damage it caused in what I refer to as the suitcase in our minds. You fell crippled and lost now, it would be hard not to in your case. I am not a therapist, but I don’t think you are crippled I believe you just suffer from damage as all us here do in one form or another. I do know with the right tools and work you can move past much of this. Everyone here will help you in any way they can and sometimes letting this stuff out does help. You bring it into the light and you find out that you are not lone We are all here for one another it is the purpose of this place.

The last thing I will mention because it really resonated with me in a powerful way. You talk about wishing one of them would have killed you. This hits close home to me because I recently survived Stage 3a lung cancer. I can remember recovering in the hospital after surgery and thinking, ‘Please just go ahead and do it so I may finally have some relief.’ This is answer either because you have great value and can get better. Those feeling of coming undone are again feelings of conflict within yourself. Again, I cannot ell you what to do, but if I were you, I would seek out a therapist. That is a hard thing to do but I would suggest one that is a specialist who deals with trauma victims and PTSD. I hope your path lightens and at some point, can get a handle on this. No one should ever have to live in the manner because of what others did to us Good luck to you on your journey and someday soon move past some of this and find a path that is not so dark.

With Deep Respect,

Jrperky010101
 
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I'm so sorry James. This is heartbreaking. Honestly, my guess is that the trauma you relate began well before that moment on your mother's bed. Given how you describe her and how she described her relationship with your father, I doubt she was able to give you as an infant and young child, the kind of care you needed to feel secure in your body and safe in the world. What happened when you were seven and continued through subsequent events was really an extension of the earlier trauma. I say that as a person who for most of his life didn't appreciate how distorting my mother's behavior had been for me from the very beginning.

Coming face to face with all of this right now is certainly unsettling. You have some serious work to do here but it is important for you to know it IS POSSIBLE to heal these deep wounds rooted in your childhood. This is exactly the work the men here are doing. You're not alone with any of this. We have a forum devoted to Survivors of Female Abuse that will doubtless speak to you. Yes, trauma inflicted upon us by our mothers is certainly the most destabilizing since this is the person whom we rely on to find our way in the world. When we don't receive that love and support we are left completely unprepared for life. I know because that is precisely the life I've lived.

We do this healing work together. We also benefit from support and guidance of professionals. Finding a therapist well grounded in working with sexual trauma is important. It is also very helpful to be able to talk with men here who know this territory from first had experience. Be gentle with yourself my friend. This is not a hundred yard dash but rather a marathon. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step... and you took it by coming here...
 
@James1980, friend, this breaks my heart. I can relate to a great deal of this, as it sounds very similar to what my own mother used to do. And with her death I'd also thought I'd find some measure of peace, as if her death would "end" the trauma, and it simply isn't true.

My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you're here, I'm glad you're talking about it, and I know how terrible an abyss it can seem, and how the last thing you want to do is dare to gaze into it . . . But you're not alone, and to that effect I second everything @Visitor has said. Be gentle with yourself. Have compassion for yourself and for the little boy inside you who was hurt all that time ago, who's been silent all these years.

I know therapy can seem daunting or hopeless or like it'll be no help at all, but please do reach out and get help. And don't just settle for a therapist, either--don't be afraid to search until you find someone who really works well for / with you. Be sure to ask them what experience they have with people who've suffered childhood sexual abuse, and perhaps even clarify that your abuser was a woman. (Not that you'd need to disclose details right away--indeed, a good therapist won't push you to disclose anything until you're ready--but I've also found that some therapists don't quite understand that women are capable of inflicting abuse.)

Your story can have a happy ending, friend, even if it doesn't feel like it now. Many of us have known, or still know, that abyss, but here we are. And here you are, too. Thank you for coming here and reaching out.

Peace to you, friend,
Dyl.
 
Don't lose hope James!
You've already done a marvelous thing by coming here. Not only coming here, but having the courage to join. And not only to join, but you shared a part of your story. None of those things are small feats. They require enormous strength and courage.

You're in a good place here. We understand. And we understand the depths of the horror that you were subjected to. It was beyond wrong.
You're doing one of things that's exactly key to undoing this trauma: you're talking about it, sharing it, you're coming out of isolation. Trauma thrives in isolation and that's why we need to leave the isolation. Come into the light and feel the warmth of a friendly crowd, folks who just get it.

WELCOME here!
 
Hi James

Welcome to MS, Sorry for the reasons you need this place. It is good you have reached out here, now you will not be alone in this. There is a lot to unpack from abuse, lots of good guys here welling to listen. It is a good place to come and read or to come a share.
 
@James1980 Though the circumstances of our abuse are different I can relate to what you are saying. I was in a similar place earlier this year. As I finally got into counseling it felt like the ground was shifting beneath my feet. What I had previously been so sure of was less certain. I felt engulfed by darkness terrified I would never see light again. Having a counselor I trusted to walk with me has been key to getting to a better place. You are not alone and things will get better.
 
James- You are an incredible human. Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better. Your story effected me, it ain't right, I hope the people who you have shared this with can really grasp the devastation something like this brings. It does a number on your head. You are not nuts, don't know if you thought you were- I thought I was, but I'll try not to project. The mere fact that you shared something so intensely personal that carries so much to it, is honorable and demands respect from anyone reading it. I'm not stroking your ego, it's the truth. I know you will find support here, if not anywhere else. Try to believe that you will find a way out of this darkness, because I know you will. Damn, I'm still reelin from that story and that's no joke. You are still here, and that's huge just by itself.
 
James--

Welcome. I'm glad you're here. You are where you need to be right now--among people who will support you and understand your experience. I am glad you have made it through, you are a survivor. The fact you've at least reached out is a great start. I'm sorry you went through that and you are suffering so deeply. If you need anything, let me or anyone know.
 
I really appreciate all the responses. I've read through everyone of them countless times as I tend to obsess and unfortunately I desperately search for validation in almost any interaction. The words were kind and welcoming. I have tried to take the words of being kind to myself to heart but it is so hard when at times I so despise this skin. I emailed a therapist today and tentatively plan on moving forward but I'm already fighting the urge to cancel because I'm convincing myself that I am fine. The path ahead of me seems far too daunting and I'm afraid that I'll betray myself on this journey.
 
James, although easier said than done, fear not.
For one, we’re all here with you and know all too well just how hard this is.
For another, what you just wrote could have come from just about any one of us.

The obsessing, searching for validation, the “no, no... I’m fine, really.” All of it, it’s very typical. Much of it is based in societal stereotypes: men aren’t victims. Even that aside, who wants to be a victim??

Yes, it’s very hard. But you’re on a good path. You really do have the strength. I can say this (and I know others will back me up) because you’ve already unknowingly displayed the strength! You came here, you opened up about it, you sought out a therapist. That’s enormous.

We end up conquering this hell when we can look it square in the eye and say “this happened to me, and it’s affected much of my life.” Sometimes it’s even: it’s messed up my life. When we own it, we can turn it around. But it’s an incredibly difficult and confusing thing, enduring much pain in the process. And there’s nothing wrong with needing help to do it. In fact, it’s normal to have help doing it, because it’s just too hard to do alone.

Hang in there! We’ve got your back!
 
James1980 said:
...it is so hard when at times I so despise this skin...
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Yeah... that is the way it can be, but that is precisely why we have such need for kindness and compassion. Those feelings really don't belong to you... they belong to the perpetrator who was FINE with you feeling worthless... it made her job so much easier when you doubt yourself.

I know when that self-loathing voice appears it is tough to say "NO!" But that is what we need to do, over and over again. The healing journey takes time because that voice is so deeply engrained AND we've been saying it to ourselves for so long. Feeling unworthy is at the heart of trauma. We came to believe it happened because there is something wrong with us and if we try harder to be good, then we'll be okay. We're doing it right now when we ignore the pain and say "I'm fine." We're not fine, at least so long as we're carrying that feeling of worthlessness. We're all here to remind one another it isn't true... we are in fact worthy of care and kindness. That fact that others in our life refused to see that in their cruel attempt to have their needs met at your expense, in the true horror. We've got your back John. This work is the most important thing you can be doing in your life right now. This is how you'll finally claim your wholeness, your aliveness.
 
James1980 said:
I emailed a therapist today and tentatively plan on moving forward but I'm already fighting the urge to cancel because I'm convincing myself that I am fine. The path ahead of me seems far too daunting and I'm afraid that I'll betray myself on this journey.
Click to expand...
The fact you took this step you should be so proud of yourself. Just putting one foot in front of the other is all you can do. When you keep doing that, eventually you'll be at then of the path.
 
Two years ago today...I posted a message on here...hardly a message, it was a cry, a scream for help to escape the toilet flush that had become my life.

Two years ago...my has it been so little time. Well this must be my journey, I guess. My life's work. To overcome the horror of what I've experienced, the truth I still can't look at. Two years, feels like an eternity of a million missteps and progress that sometimes I barely recognize.

Two years...a long time. I've learned to know my children, to love them despite so thoroughly being unable to love myself. That's still my struggle, my demon. I hate this mound of flesh at times. The voice so familiar and so cruel, telling me that I'm pile of shit not worthy of the shoe.

Two years, I wasn't sure what I would find. Not sure what I had missed. Not sure exactly of how much pain I had endured. Two years ago, I was suffering the burn of self inflicted wounds. Two years ago, I wandered hopelessly to find my way.

Two years have passed and here I am. My first post that I wrote still haunts me. The abuse, the betrayal, the pain still sears me. Not ready to face these horrors, but I'm desperate still. Not for an end like I was two years ago but for a beginning. Two years...and I'm at the start.

Two years...
 
This is the perfect place from which to START James and we're still here to offer support. Be patient and gentle with yourself my friend. There is work to be done and this is one of the places where it can be done.
 
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@James1980 ;

"Two years have passed and here I am. My first post that I wrote still haunts me. The abuse, the betrayal, the pain still sears me. Not ready to face these horrors, but I'm desperate still. Not for an end like I was two years ago but for a beginning. Two years...and I'm at the start.

Two years..."

This is captivating as I can relate to this on so many levels. When I first started my own journey two years ago - I could not deal with it. Instead, I didn't deal with it. As time went on and as COVID went from being a pandemic to "new normal" to now nobody really knows what's going on other than high priced gas and food and heading for an economic fallout - all I am left with is the continuous health problems that are an internal trigger to my PTSD and the broken pieces of what was once a stable life before I started this journey of dealing with my child abuse and trauma.

I don't know if you are a believer, but I have found peace and comfort in knowing who God is and what He has done for me in my life. I converted to Mormonism about a year ago and it's the biggest thing I think that has helped me in my life in regards to making steps in helping me build a foundation of strong mental health. Do I still have bad days? Absolutely. But I have found the good days are just starting to outweigh the bad.

Why? Because I am opening up more and find help with resources and making sure I am loving myself regardless of what others may think of me. I am tackling my trauma and abuse head on; by trying not to let the memories win over my health condition.

I also have the good people I have found here on MaleSurvivor who I know have helped me recently; in the past prior to shutting the door so to say - and I know there help with be vital in continuing building my strength in over coming obstacles.

You like myself, and many others, are just starting to dive into traumas - and deal with them with the proper support systems and coping mechanisms.

We are here for you James, welcome back.

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs
 
James, I'm very sorry about what happened to you and thank you for sharing. I do not participate with this community often. Still, I wish I had found this community at the beginning of my healing journey because there is a lot of wisdom, empathy, and compassion. Utilizing this community can expedite your healing journey with all the resources and caring people.
 
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