Coming to terms

Coming to terms

Srmajah

Registrant
I was raped buy a male friend when I was 14 then I went into the Navy and was gangraped by 4 guys what I'm wondering is does anybody think this would make a person be bisexual or gay because of it I have fought with this for many many years and I'm now coming to terms with my sexuality of being bisexual only a small number of my friends know what's going on and it does not bother me that they know what do you think
 
It's very clear that sexual assault survivors will have almost always have sexual fantasies about their abuse. There are many, many threads about it here at MS, and for almost everyone it happens to, it is a very confusing phenomenon that makes most men who have been assaulted or raped by other men question their sexual orientation.
 
Srmajah,

I was molested as a child for over a decade. I also joined the Navy. And I was gang-raped by five other sailors at 19. Did any of this make me gay? No, I was born this way. Too many men that are abused as children and raped as men who are straight afterward to make a correlation between abuse/rape as making one gay or bi.
 
I was raped buy a male friend when I was 14 then I went into the Navy and was gangraped by 4 guys what I'm wondering is does anybody think this would make a person be bisexual or gay because of it I have fought with this for many many years and I'm now coming to terms with my sexuality of being bisexual only a small number of my friends know what's going on and it does not bother me that they know what do you think
Absolutely agree @Jaxson and @Strangeways
Someone on here said that abuse doesn’t cause your sexuality but it can confuse it.
For me, it’s taken me decades to come to terms with.
Glad you are here and asking questions!
 
I wonder sometimes what I would have been like in a lot of different ways if none of the abuse happened, sexual preference too.
 
I was molested at ages 7 and then from age 11-15 and it most definitely confused my sexuality and male identity. It has taken me decades to sort out the fact that my abuse contributed greatly in creating any same sex attraction. But now knowing that has also helped me clarify the false and deceptive nature of those desires.
 
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I have learned that this topic is controversial with varying beliefs and opinions. I think it is important for us, as survivors, to support and believe each other even if we believe differently or have a different opinion.
The question as to whether being raped and/or "molested" ""made me gay" is not the same as "did it impact and/or change" my sexual identity?

For me, being raped and molested most definitely impacted my "sexuality". In fact it is hard for me to see how such an experience at a young age could not impact one's view of oneself - despite the fact that we did not cause or attract the perpetrator's behavior, we innately feel we did... it sounds similar to what I have heard about children thinking that they somehow caused their parents divorce. Plus the memory of the abuse, for me, can no longer be shut away in a part of my brain to shield me from having unwanted thoughts about it - and to have these "thoughts" and feelings during intercourse does have an impact - for me, this is real - it is not an opinion but a lived reality. I am more fully accepting and loving of myself after "coming to terms" with this recently... and thus, I am learning to be more accepting of others.
 
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I have learned that this topic is controversial with varying beliefs and opinions. I think it is important for us, as survivors, to support and believe each other even if we believe differently or have a different opinion.
The question as to whether being raped and/or "molested" ""made me gay" is not the same as "did it impact and/or change" my sexual identity?

For me, being raped and molested most definitely impacted my "sexuality". In fact it is hard for me to see how such an experience at a young age could not impact one's view of oneself - despite the fact that we did not cause or attact the perpetrator's behavior, we innately feel we did... it sounds similar to what I have heard about children thinking that they somehow caused their parents divorce. Plus the memory of the abuse, for me, can no longer be shut away in a part of my brain to shield me from having unwanted thoughts about it - and to have these "thoughts" and feelings during intercourse does have an impact - for me, this is real - it is not an opinion but a lived reality. I am more fully accepting and loving of myself after "coming to terms" with this recently... and thus, I am learning to be more accepting of others.
Ty for your response it helped me quite a bit to clarify to what the hell is going on now I just need decide whether should act on the thoughts and hope to go away or fully embrace the idea that i truly like sex with men
 
I too have questioned myself as to being straight or gay or even Bi for many years. I so wonder what life would have been like if that Predator had not violated me! It’s been the big question for years. Amazing how it can play havoc in your life.
 
I've made this comment before so if you're read it previously please be patient with me. I was sexually abused by boys and men when I was under eight years old for a few years. As an adult I found my way to video arcades where I engaged in anonymous sex with men. For decades I was confused about my gender identity and my sexual orientation. I even ended up naked in bed with a male friend who told me he was attracted to me. I thought that adventure which was highly charged for me would clarify the matter. Feeling his beard against my cheek led me to bolt from the bed, never to return.

I believe that we can only become clear on the question of our sexual preferences when we've come to terms with the residue of trauma we carry. So long as we slip into whatever acting out pattern we developed to contend with the feelings evoked by the trauma we can't possibly get clear on any of this. When we stop acting out, attend to the complex feelings we're carrying and find a bit of peace within ourselves, then we MAY be able to express our honest feelings both romantically and sexually. There is no right answer here, simply being honest with ourselves about what happened and doing our best to put the trauma in the past where it belongs. So please be patient with your confusion and trust the healing process. You will not solve the matter from within the residue of trauma. I would say carrying the memories of same sex encounters either within trauma or as a re-enactment of it is to remain bound by the trauma. Those memories won't help you get clear on this matter.
 
You're right, of course IA, the most important thing for each of us is self-acceptance. I've been working with that one for decades, not always successfully. Shame drives our response to trauma. I call addictions "shame induction" mechanisms since they assure us we'll feel bad after we've acted out. There is something familiar, even comforting in feeling bad about ourselves. So finding compassion for ourselves even while holding the memories of the abuse and what we've done through our lives to re-enact the trauma, is crucial. I'm happy for you that you're doing this important work and having success. It seems to me that self-compassion and self-care are the keys to healing from trauma. This seems to be what all of us are doing here. I'm very grateful for that reality. All the best to you.
 
I have learned that this topic is controversial with varying beliefs and opinions. I think it is important for us, as survivors, to support and believe each other even if we believe differently or have a different opinion.
The question as to whether being raped and/or "molested" ""made me gay" is not the same as "did it impact and/or change" my sexual identity?

For me, being raped and molested most definitely impacted my "sexuality". In fact it is hard for me to see how such an experience at a young age could not impact one's view of oneself - despite the fact that we did not cause or attract the perpetrator's behavior, we innately feel we did... it sounds similar to what I have heard about children thinking that they somehow caused their parents divorce. Plus the memory of the abuse, for me, can no longer be shut away in a part of my brain to shield me from having unwanted thoughts about it - and to have these "thoughts" and feelings during intercourse does have an impact - for me, this is real - it is not an opinion but a lived reality. I am more fully accepting and loving of myself after "coming to terms" with this recently... and thus, I am learning to be more accepting of others.
I could not agree more. Thank you
 
Dear Visitor:
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I don’t need to crawl into bed naked with another man to find out if I am “gay”. In fact, I very much dislike the labeling of human being’s sexuality. I believe the mere sight of another person (especially a naked person) can incite a physical/sexual attraction - and/or - our mental, emotional, spiritual attraction to another person can result in physical “sexual” feelings/attractions to another person – and depending upon the gender of that other person, we form labels and these labels help us to know what we are talking about – but they do not fully define “who we are”.

This does not in any way diminish your experience. I know what my sexual desires are. I also know that I have the prerogative to act or not act on these desires.

Your perspective does not make you right nor does my perspective make me wrong.

Other people do not get to define me nor do other people get to define you. Society, religion, science do not get to tell me what I feel or who I am or why I am the way I am – yes they can help us understand ourselves and the consequences of our actions and beliefs – but in the end, it is we ourselves who are our ultimate judges when we break free from the tyranny of trying to conform “who we are” to what we think the expectations of others are. Responsible people do not act on every feeling or “compulsion”, but neither should we deny those feelings or compulsions – it is for the individual to acknowledge these feelings within themselves as neither good nor evil but as authentic parts of ourselves regardless of where or when we might think those “feelings” originated.... furthermore and perhaps most importantly, we should love who we are i.e. accept who we are and, thus learn to better love/accept others.

It is for each human being to “come to terms” with who they are. That does not mean that we must act on every feeling or attraction; it does mean that we need to acknowledge those feelings without shame or feel or any sort of emotion other than love i.e. full acceptance of “who we are” and then to choose how we act – and that action, I believe, should be chosen in light of what impact the action will have upon ourselves and others.
 
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