Coming to terms

Coming to terms
B

Bill

Registrant
ok...so I am facing the fact that I was molested as a kid. I mean...I known for a long while that I was molested...but for a (long) while it was like I was looking at from a clinical viewpoint. I guess I wasn't really letting my emotions be apart of the situation....I mean it was more of a case that I was looking at it as " oh wow...so that really happened", but not really looking at how it made me feel. For the longest time it was more of a case that I really didn't think it affected me....but looking back I realized that it has. Anyway....sorry I am rambling on this...just trying to get this out. Normally I can make more sense when I write something...but anyway.
 
Bill,

You could have taken those words directly from my brain six months ago. You are making good sense- the magnitude of what we're dealing with is not something that can easily be grasped at first, and it will take time.

In the mean time, here are a couple things I have learned from my early recovery; things I have had issues with and seen others have issues with:

You are NOT to blame for what happened
You are NOT responsible for your abuser's actions
What happened to you IS a big deal
What happened to you DID hurt you
You are NOT ALONE any longer
There ARE people who understand

Write, rant and rave... we've all been there or still are there. We're all walking the same path in one form or another. I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I am glad that you found this place in your journey.

Welcome, brother.
 
Bill,

It has taken me almost 20 years to get from knowing that I was sexually abused at age 7 to actually feeling the emotions and pain with the memories.

If you are like me and are just starting to FEEL the abuse, then I sympathize with you, For years I thought that knowing was all it took...but now I know that "knowing" was just the beginning.

Unfortunately, I think you are in for a roller-coaster ride of emotions. I know that I have been for the last few weeks. But even though experiencing the physical pain and emotions of the memories really sucks...I understand that it is an integral part of healing.

I hope you stay with us and get some professional help. For years I thought I could "do it on my own". I was so fucking wrong!!! There is no way in hell anyone can do this on their own.

Anyhoo, welcome to a great resource. Please post and contact any of us, me included, if we can help you in any way.

LOVE,

Will
 
That is the reality of it all isn't it Bill? Will, I love how you put it
If you are like me and are just starting to FEEL the abuse, then I sympathize with you, For years I thought that knowing was all it took...but now I know that "knowing" was just the beginning.
Click to expand...
That puts it perfectly I think. It's certainly become reality for me.

I'd like to add that the journey is worth it. I'm seeing that as I "feel" things a whole new level of living is opening up for me. Most of it is on the negative at present but there's positive stuff also and that certainly makes it worthwhile.
 
Bill,

To what others have said I can just add that FEELING what happened to you is the key. We can't make any progress at all until we being to come to terms with how we actually feel. And that can be so scary.

I used to put it this way: there is such a difference between knowing I was abused and believing it. I wasn't sure what that meant, and now I can look back and say the difference is acknowledging our feelings.

That doesn't mean we should believe all our feelings - quite the contrary. A lot of them are false. But we DO have to deal with them, and the first step towards that is admitting that they are there.

Much love,
Larry
 
Bill, I would say it is really ok not to make ANY sense of things, it would come on its own if you continue to FEEl what you are feeling and not tuning out instead into your mental plateaues or extended thought processes.

I screwed my mind years ago and wasted many precious years just because I wanted to figure it out the hows and whys first, before I could forgive and forget. What a wasts, it has been, but you can do better, you have found this site.

So I would add to what Larry said, just FEEl what you feel, most important FEEl your pain literally / physically. Focus in your heart as you feel the pain that would help it dissolve it faster as you are acknowledging its presence and offering your unconditional acceptance and your loving presence.

Pain is at root of all the emotional quagmires so dissolve it and you have dissolved all mental frameworks to replace them with fresh and better ones, ones that are not based on trauma but on love and joy.

For that you dont even have name the feeling that you trying to feel, beware your mind will try to do that repeatedly and try to getyou trapped in the story lines of your past, just step out when ever you feel you are getting trapped in your mental games.

As long as you are able to learn to relax while you are feeling your pain inside self you are doing fine as by and by you are releasing your pain.

You can set yourself free from the past by validating your experience and your feelings, and accepting them. As you accept them they are healed. That for me is the fastest possible way to heal!

For once you release all that layers of pain, what would be left behind would be you and your pure essence - joy.

So the journey is worth every step of it.
 
Bill,

I can only echo what the others have said. They've pretty well covered it.

One of the things I've discovered in trying to place some perspective on the abuse I suffered is that there is no sense to be made of what happened. I think that has been one of the hardest things for me to handle in all of this. Trying to reason out why a supposedly responsible adult would have done what he did to me is one of the most gut wrenching things I have ever tried to do. I'm just left to try to pick up the pieces of the life that he shattered.

The biggest one realization for me was the fact that I needed to reject all blame for what happened and put it right back where it belonged. On the pervert that did it in the first place.

I'm glad you found us and hope you find here the care, understanding, and compassion that I did that first day.

Lots of love,

John
 
Guys,

I never forgot. I knew for twenty years. Each and every day it was there. A dark hidden part of my past affecting every action I took in the present. Three years ago, the dam broke and for three straight days I cried. LIke a baby. I didn't know I had tears. My wife got very scared. I told her. She was the first. That was a Friday. On Monday, I started looking for a counselor and after interviewing a few I found the guy that's helped me start walking through these emotions: guilt, blame, love, hatred, identity-issues, shame, embarrassment, terror. For three years, I have FELT the abuse. So for those of you just starting the walk -- it feels GREAT to do it. I understand ME better than I ever have. Everything about me. Realizing who I am, what made me who I am, what I have accomplished, and where I can go from here has really helped me identify with ME instead of with THEM and the ABUSE. Let yourself FEEL it. Once you have, your stronger.

I constantly tell my counselor: "there are no other men that have ever been _____ by their brother and there are no other men that have been forced to ______ by their _______". He just says "yes, there are -- and I see more than you can imagine. I didn't believe him. I found this group. Now I know he's right.

I wish you all the best. I hope you find the walk rewarding also.

Russ
Milwaukee, WI
 
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