Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****

Coming to terms with rape possible **** Triggers ****
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duncanUK

Registrant
Hi All
I am a male based in the UK. I was raped by two men eight years ago. I pushed the whole event to the back of my mind and buried it until now.

I recently(back in April) went on a rugby tour to Holland with a club that I play for, I do not drink alcohol but i did and I let it all out and that has now started me on the road to "recovery" although i have the HIV cloud looming over head.

I hate what they did to me and what I had to do for them. They made me feel so dirty and kept on telling me that i wanted it and how much i am enjoying it. The whole event felt as if it was never going to end and will i survive it.

I do not go out cycling along the back country lanes any longer as a result of it and I have just started running again.

duncan UK
 
Duncan, welcome.
Thanks for posting, but what? Makes you think that you have HIV.

Go for the test to put your mind straight, there is nothing worse than thinking you have a disease.
I hope you are clear,

ste
 
Hi Ste

its just that my attackers said they would give me something so i could remember it for the rest of my life. I will be going for a test in the new year
 
Duncan, I hope you know who they are and at least report them.
When you go for the test, you can ask for a fast track result.

When you get the result they will lock the door, dont worry that is procedure whether positive or negative.

Just make sure you go for the test, its not easy to do, but you must keep your mind safe, so make sure you go,

ste
 
Ste,

I dont know who my attackers are i had never met them before. They just took me by suprise and at first i though it was a dream.
 
Duncan, if you can, tell the cops, stop them doing it to others.
It is more than rape, its intent to cause serious harm.

Hope you can tell them,

ste
 
Ste

I have seen the police but they cannot do anything as it was eight years ago. I have nightmares about the whole thing and my body does things (ejaculation) or i feel like i am been f***** up the a*** and this makes me want to cry.

I stop myself from crying and try to shut off my emotions just as i had to do for my attackers. I can see and hear them in my mind and it plays over and over...... day and night.

I wish that i had not gone out that day or if i had a time machine go back and warn myself. But Iknow that will never be. I still dont know why i was targeted... i get nervous when i am out or if i decide to go out for a bike ride as some guys pull up in their cars when i am at the lights and say "sexy legs" etc...

This makes me even more paranoid have a got a sign that says "rape" on it? I will be seeing a counsellor in the new year as i have let the anger and hate take me over and I have to stop this.
 
Duncan, anger and hate just eat at yourself, not them, nobody can go back and stop time.
Keep your mind on track by getting out, counting numbers or whatever.

Its a wonder nobody else has reported a similar attack, then again, some cannot do it.
I hope the test proves negative,

ste
 
Ste, I will be taking kickboxing up again in the new year after an eight year break. I can vent my anger out on a punch bag perhaps i will feel better for it.

But I just find it very difficult shutting all that has happened out. I play rugby at the weekends but i never shower after the games. I just want to get out as soon as i can after the game.

Its not the guys at the club i think its just an extension of my paranoia. I shun all contact, I hate it when guys touch me on the shoulder. I have been thinking of coming over to the USA next year for a holiday in one of the national parks. I like backpacking out in wilderness away from everyone.

Perhaps I might be able to "find" myself again as there are days when I feel so lost in all the emotions and anger. I find it very difficult to let go of the hate within me and you are right the anger and hate have almost completely taken me over at times.

When the days over here start stretching out again and the evenings are lighter i will start going out running again. But I say that now and then i will "chicken" out. I have told a few close friends what had happened and i wish i could talk about to them but i find it difficult.

I also suspect they find it difficult to talk to me about it. I told my mother about it and she said why didn't i fight back. I just froze.

I think about that day in day out... I could have done this, I could have done that. But its easy to say after the event, and now I have the HIV could hanging over me. I really do hope it is negative.

I dont know what to do if the result comes back positive. I always tend to look at the "darkside" and then when it comes back negative i can say to myself "what was all the fuss about?"

I am scared about seeing a counsellor next year. I am not sure why. I sometimes sit at my computer scouring the internet for answers to male rape. but there really are no answers.

Thats how i found this site and i am pleased that i did been able to share with everyone what is on my mind is something of an emotional relief. Perhaps when i close my eyes to night i can tell the demons to go away and not be up until the early hours of the morning.

Everything about the event i can remember and it makes me sick thinking about it. like right now the anger and hate is starting to flow inside of me.

I do have things to occupy my mind with like looking after my 15 spiders. I have also been told by my doctor that one visit with the counsellor will not make it all go away.

But i will conquer this and I will win.
 
Duncan, there is no magical way of relieving it, but doing things you like to do is a way forward.
This Country UK, is hopeless at treating ppl like you or me, totally useless.

It took me many years to go and get tested, and when it came back total negative it was a great weight off my shoulders, but because I left it so long, I kept thinking the test was wrong, and why? Did they not find something.

Make a resolution to go to the clinic, its over in no time,

ste
 
ste,

I am scared that it will come back positive and if it was to what do i do then? I agree the UK offers no support at all. It is useless like our politicians.
 
Duncan, I put it off for many years, and it was real tough, but I made myself go.
Whether its positive or negative, you need to know one way or the other.

They are specialist units and deal with all manner of things, you can tell them what happened or not if you wish.

Chances are it would have affected you by now, it also means you may have developed 'ghost' symptoms, so get it checked,

ste
 
ste

I my doctor advised me to get tested. I told him exactly the same thing that I would know by now. He said the virus can be "dormant" for many years before becoming active.
 
Get the doc to do a blood test, save you going to the clinic.
Dont put it off, I know just how hard that one was, and I put it off since I was a kid.

Thats what made it harder for me,

ste
 
ste
I am sorry to hear that you had to put if off since you were a kid!!! that must of been even more traumatic for you. And here I am worrying over my "little" thing.... If you want to talk about it ste I am here to listen.

duncan
 
Duncan, this is about you, not me.
Yes, I know how hard it is, but I made myself do it, and picked the time and day.

Its hugely difficult, but it is not impossible, nothing is, and it empowered me so much, just to show so much courage.

Go on and do it, because not knowing is a private hell,

ste
 
ste
I hate myself so much and if, and its a big if i have hiv my hatred will only grow. I do agree that not knowing is a private hell and i do want to know. but the way the two blokes treated me and the things they said make me think all the more that i have it.

I feel dirty everyday. I was also suspended from work back in November because i would not see the company doctor. My boss wanted me to see the doctor bcause i had changed in the end i told my boss. I dont know if that was a good thing to do or not.

I am also finding that the hate is also protecting me as i can keep people at a distance without allowing them to get close. I am also afraid of loosing the hate once i start to see a counsellor.

I sound really messed up dont i? the MD of the company does not have any idea what it was all about and they think i will be ok in a couple of months so i have to comes across to them that i am.

But inside i really hurt i keep telling myself its easy to get over it, just face what has happened and move on, but it is not easy.

tonight i will lay awake again holding a torch in my hand. I am battling to hold all my emotions in i keep whipping myself and i know now it was not my fault what had happened.

I keep wishing that i had not gone out. iknow that i had mentioned that earlier on but it keeps playing over and over in my mind. The other things that make me so angry is that during some of the nightmares and this has happened during the day sometimes i ejaculate.

I feel so disgusted with myself I almost freeze on the spot again. It has happened on numerous occasions when i am in bed. I dont understand what is going on.

duncan
ps if i do not hear from you tonight. have a happy christmas and a happy new year.
 
Hi DuncanUK

You have every right to feel anger and hate, I felt like that myself until I went to anger management last year, it is a good thing that you are seeing a counsellor this will no doubt help with your feelings. I was abused and raped twice over thrity years ago and I dsclosed in 2000 resulting in three of my abusers being convicted albeit that one of them was seperate to the convictions got in the Operation that my disclosure started.

I too went through the fear of HIV even though my abuse was years before it hit the headlines but as one of my abusers had thousands of "boys" even that far back HIV must have been hovvering in the background and like you I was terrified of getting tested but as I had to go into rehab for my drug addiction it was compulsary that I had one so really it was taken out of my hands, fortunately it came back negative and I have to say that after being a homesless teenage male prostitute for a number of years no one was more relieved than I.

With regards the police I personally would write to the cheif constable or failing that make arrangements to see your local MP at his local weekly surgery. Yes they are useless but they are only now getting to realise that childhood sexual abuse is endemic in our society and they are slowly realising the damage CSA can do to the individual and society in general. Myself have a good working relationship with my local MP and he is trying to get questions asked in parliament but because of the anarchic way politics work in this country its easier said than doen but rest a assured that more MPs now know of the effects of CSA than this time last year. If you want to talk about this off board PM me.

Take it easy my friend and welcome to MS although it saddens me that you had to find us.

Take it easy and best wishes for this christmas.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Hi Kirk

you are right in what you say. I whip myself somedays for what had happened and the fact that I did not have the courage to goto the police.

If I had gone to the police they probably could have done something. I cannot block the images in my mind and they "hit" me like it all happened yesterday. I am also afraid of the counselling sessions will I have to go through it in sordid detail? Our local MP is uselss like all of our politicians, they only care about "looking good" in public.

I hate that they degraded me made me strip naked and then they touched me all over. I get confused by this power/domination thing was this about sex?

Last night I could not sleep. I have to sit there sometimes until 2:00 in the morning. I will also be going back to playing rugby in the new year. I have not been back to the club since the tour.

I keep going back over things in my mind like "I should have not gone out that day" why me? I am not saying that I would want it to happen to any one else. Then I read the news and there is a small article about men getting raped.

Then I realise that it is bigger than I imagined. The greatest fear I have is lightning striking twice. I had mentioned earlier to "ste" that I think I have label on me that says "rape" or something like that.

I cycle to and from work and one evening sitting at the traffic lights. In the other lane a car pulled upto the lights and the driver said "sexy legs" I did not want to make eye contact with him or say anything, but he kept going on "hey sexy legs I am talking to you"

I just sat there praying(not to god) that the lights would turn green. Why do men do this? I could understand If It was a "joke" but the tone of his voice was changing like he was commanding me to look at him.

I did not get the plate number of the vehicle. The police probably would not have done anything about it. They only get concerned when one of there own gets injured. The politicians and the police divert us away from their failings by using the "terrorist" threat.

Have a happy christmas Kirk and a happy new year

Duncan
 
Hello Duncan,
Welcome and keep up the Good Fight,,,they are assholes..they are scare of you...you are a treat to them...they are afraid of being expose...you are the real MAN...I was abducted and raped @8...WE are all with you


Julian
 
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