Coming to terms with lost childhood

Coming to terms with lost childhood
G

guy43

Registrant
I'd like to hear from others on how they've come to terms with the loss and grief of their childhoods.

I've spent xmas day home alone by choice and for the most part it's been a good day for me. See my 'cancelled xmas post...'. It's been far less stressful and upsetting then spending the day with the non-perp side of the family. However, the specter of xmas pasts and loss of childhood is coming back to haunt me now, not that it ever really left.

I've been doing EMDR with my T for this and starting to work on nurturing my inner child. Both are tough to do. I've far to go yet. I have a black hole of grief I can fall into if i'm not careful.

It's time for me to start taking some more risks by sharing more of the dark side (read shame). Getting there, not easy, come to think of it, none of this s**t is.

-jer
 
This is a piece from "My Story" where I describe a piece of how I come to terms with my childhood.


" I know now this young man never had a chance at normalcy. Sometimes what he needs most is what he fears
most, love understanding and acceptance. These are all the qualities that evoke getting in touch with
vulnerability, a place where breathlessness lives. Once, later in my recovery my wife brought to me her
awareness of my most recent need for emotional distance. I acknowledged this and said to her there is a
fourteen-year-old boy in the room who is desperate to have someone to hold him. But there is no way he can
let that happens. If someone tries to do that he will bite, fight, scratch or do anything else he has to keep
anyone from getting that close. If I grab him and hold him, will you hold me? As soon as she said yes the
young man in me went limp and cried nonstop for about two hours in both of our arms. He is still skittish about this
thing called intimacy. I expect this hesitance to be there for a lot longer, but I understand him better now
and he feels more and more accepted in his frailties."

I have been part of an ongoing support group of men for several years. Pieces of my work have happened there too.

When I joined New Warriors I was able to continue my work there also.

A therapist asked me how i was able to go so deep into my painful past and then close a session and go home and function. I told her I have been dealing with these issues for a long time. Quite a while back I had learned to Put the issues on a shelf in my heart and have a life outside those issues. When I leave her sessions I know I can revisit them whenever I want or need to. Whether it is with my wife, or with a trusted friend, on these pages, or in a support group. With a Warrior Brother network I know I can be almost anywhere in the world and I can connect to someone who can speak the language of the heart. I can hear and be heard. I know For the rest of my life I will probably revisit the pain and loss from time to time, but healing is always going on as long as I am giving a healthy voice to what pain my heart speaks. As long as I do this, There is also room for joy, anger, sadness, laughter or whatever feelings are there. I am alive.

My black hole is my unmet needs of my childhood. My wife could not meet those needs in the vignette above. She can never meet those needs of mine. The time for getting those needs met are gone forever. I have to teach myself how to meet those needs for myself. Only I myself could have held that fourteen year old boy. My parents should have taught me how to do that, but they didn't because they did not know how to themselves. They never got those needs met and they tried to get them met through me and my brothers. No matter what I would do to try to fulfill their needs, it was never enough. Sleeping with my mother didn't fill it. I tried to fill her black hole because I loved her and didn't want to see her hurting, and I lost my childhood by trying and losing my sense of "self" in the process. You cannot extract a higher cost than that. To expect my wife to meet those unmet needs and to love me as I always needed to be loved, is what is referred to as co-dependency. Many wives and husbands lose thier sense of "self" trying to do fill their spouses black hole of unmet needs from childhood. Relationship addiction fits here too.
Click to expand...
 
Anything I have read from Alice Miller has been excellent.
If I recall correctly Banished Knowledge is a work that helped me with my losses surrounding my childhood. another books of hers was
"The Drama of the Gifted Child (prisoners of childhood." and others.

"Necessary Losses" was another helpful book but I cannot recall the author.

I Just checked amazon for the title NECESSARY LOSSES an the author they have listed is JUDITH VIORST
 
RJD,
thank you. you've given me a lot to think about with your "my stories" reply as well as your books postings. i'll come back to this asap.
-jer
 
More thoughts---
Watching my daughters grow up is a way I learned what the little boy in me needed. Even with my own emotional limitations I could hear what they were needing. Even without them needing to say specifically what they were needing, I, as an adult, could hear and understand their language loud and clear. It especially helped to have a wife who was even more skilled in listening to children. We did make a good team.
There were many times when I knew intellectually what they needed to do but I sometimes fell short. For instance when my youngest was 5 yrs old, she was talking to me and telling me something important. Without realizing it I began to drift off (one of many dissociative episodes). Suddenly her little hands had me by the shirt collar and using her whole body she shook me and said, "Daddy you're not listening to me!" She had succeded in bringing me back, and I gave her a big hug and said thank you. She started to tell me what was important to her again, and again I drifted away. This time though I had an awareness that I was drifting and I could at least give her eye contact so she continued her saga while I came and went. I think she overall felt heard otherwise I do believe she would have let me know. I was blessed with a child who could do this, my other daughter's constitution was blessed in a different way. I don't believe she would have brought it to my attention that I was emotionally leaving her. I believe she would have believed my shortcoming was about her. Those seem to be some of their personality differences. Granted, my older daughter had already been traumatized by a stranger in the neighborhood.
In this one scenario of when my 30 yr old daughter was five I have an opportunity to see what it would have been like to have had a parent who could have tolerated my anger and still love me. I could also accept the ambivalence and anger of my other daughter. My mother could have never allowed the autonomy my daughters have exibited. My mother's fear that she might be unlovable left no room for my needs.
While I do not resent the met needs of my daughters, by meeting their needs I became even more painfully aware of what I did not get. There was always more grief work for me to do while they were growing, and even now my grief work continues when I see two adults who have a healthy sense of self and their place in this sea of humanity. I am humbled and blessed. I am proud of who they have become, and who I have become in this process of healing
 
Taking care of my inner child has not gone well. I cannot feel better by going out and doing something I missed as a kid--flying a kite etc.

I depise it when a therapist urges me to "give yourself a hug." It only make the lonliness worse.

What I think I have done is that I have worked with adolescent boys mostly, and now also with adolescent girls. I was a pain in the ass to other members of the faculty because I was very protective of the boys and raised hell in faculty meetings when they were too harsh in their judgements, in my opinion.

But, by becoming a mentor for hundred of adolescent boys I think the little kid in me got some of the friendship he had missed. I think that it made it safe for guys to be open and tell me anything without paying a price, I felt like I was taking care of me.

Of course, that was all subconcious. I did not feel that at the time. But as I look back and as I work with the boys and girls today in my high school, I feel better about myself, I feel kind of light at times, and the little kid in me gets a whole lot of love that the adult in me doesn't know quite how to handle--but he sure enjoys it.

Maybe being a big brother for a kid would be a way of getting some healiing for yourself, as you make life safe and happy for some kid today.

It is worth a try at least.

Peace to you all.

Bob
 
RJD and Bob,

I'm going to try getting to my conclusion at the top of this and then add the eye-glazing details.

Bob's points I can relate to. It's real hard for me to "hug my inner child" with any sense of meaning and not get hung up on thoughts of 'what's the point'. It's true and damnit all to f***** hell I can't go back a change anything in the past, but I can try to take care of myself now. I'd love to some day be a big brother. I've a way to go before I'll be ready to try that, I'm barely able to function now...some day soon.

I brought a copy of this posting to my therapy session last night. The bottom line was this:
It's this simple, my T wants me to buy a nice fluffy quilt and some pillows. During daylight, go to my bedroom (a safe place for me) and snuggle up with the quilt for a half hour and just be with my inner 5 yr old. Even though I don't see the point I'm going to do this because as my T pointed out, it's a start, I need this, even though I don't understand, I'll do it.

Ok, eye glaze time :(

RJD,
- may i read the rest of 'your story'?
- for the second week in a row I had to remind my T what he's sees it not how I am the rest of the week. he was scared how disociative i get in T. i too can pull myself back together and function.
- the places i can go with my disociation still amaze and fill me with wonder and fear.
My black hole is my unmet needs of my childhood. My wife could not meet those needs in the vignette above. She can never meet those needs of mine. The time for getting those needs met are gone forever. I have to teach myself how to meet those needs for myself.
Click to expand...
- like it or not (and i fucking don't) i have to do this for myself, my inner parts and for my adult (ack, learn how to nuture me). the lesson for me is to keep it simple. like your daughter said "daddy, you're not listening to me". maybe it is that simple. perhaps at that moment, all she needed was for you to listen. i know i like to make it complicated. it's not. at the end of my T session i had to ask my T to write down what to do (the quilt thing) step by step... i was so far out in orbit it was like he was speaking a foreign language.
- your second post was heart warming and pissed me off and or upset me (but i'm grateful for your replies). it upsets me cuz i compare myself to others (always a productive past-time). it hits a real big wound in me, the man, where i am now. so much i haven't been able to do with my life like get married and have kids. there are so many things i haven't had in my adult life (i'm 43 now). I've lead a lonely, isolated, sometimes alcoholic life of working and not much more. sure i have some close friends but i have to work at being social. it's a whole other arena, losses felt over where i am now.
- how about playing the 'let's compare abuses' game... ? noooooooooo, it's just another unproductive, avoidance, getting off the main point past-time.

Acceptance that I can't change the past and can change my present it coming. I'm fighting it tooth and nail every f***** step of the way. But fighting! How many survivors don't make it?

In closing, I had a wierd but very affirming experience just before my T session last night. I was sitting in my car downtown shopping area in front the the T's office. 4 guys were across the street, 1 in his late teens, the others in their 20's and 30's. So the teen starts making snowballs and throwing them across the street toward my general direction. I was off in la la land, thinking mostly about finding my anger about the abuse. The kid throws another snowball and hits my car. I got out, walked over and asked the kid and all of them, 'what is your problem?' in a loud angry voice. The kid immediately apologized, one of the older men jumped in and said 'it was an accident'. (yeah right). I glared at all of them some more, called the kid an asshole and walked back to car, to glare at them some more :mad:

I gave me quite the adrenoline rush, but maybe for the first time in my life, it was a "get ready to fight rush" instead of "run away in fear rush".
- in my teens, the faggot feeling boy would have run away in big fear and cried
- in my 20's, i would have driven away in fear and gotten mad later
- in my 30's, i would have given them the finger and driven away in anger and fear
Seeing the look of fear in all 4 of them, like, oh shit this guy is pissed off and we're in deep shit now... (ha, if they only knew how little my anger had to do with them).

I stood up for myself. I didn't do anything harmful to me or them. I made a stand for all the parts inside... I can protect them all. Whoa... what a feeling of initiation into manhood.

-jer
 
Welcome to manhood -jer. Every piece of your reply here speaks
volumes of your epic struggle as a man wanting to thrive and not
just survive. You have survived, and what I hear is that you want
more. Because you want more ,I believe , you will get more than
what was dealt you by life.

I remember telling my therapist the same thing, that what I looked
like in the therapy session is not what I look like during the rest of
the week. Does he not realize what a total mess I am!

Those were excellent insights into your rage towards those men
when the youngest began throwing snowballs. Those are the
insights of an adult man.

I have heard it said that things wont be revealed to us until we
are ready for them, and in my own recovery work I have come to
believe this is true. No matter how much of a hurry Im in to be
done with this recovery crap(quoted from my words to myself)
things wont present themselves to my awareness until the boy
in me can trust that the man in me can handle it and still feel safe
(whatever itis,) I will be blind to some issues. As long as I am
raging at the boy in me for being vulnerable and naive and
susceptable (? spelling) to being used (I still catch myself
calling him a stupid bastard asshole, fuckin shit and more), the
precious little boy in me will stay hidden. His words to me will
continue to be masked. It is not that I used to do this to myself
and now Im healed and I dont do this anymore. No such luck,
It just doesnt work that way. Im driving along in my car and Im
not even aware of the insideous ways the sheer habit of
terrorizing the boy in me manifests itself. It might start Oops I
forgot to (do something) at work, dammit! then the brake lights
go on in front of me and my train of thought stops. When my mind
is back at the task of driving and a lull overtakes me I ight slowly
start backwith self deprecating mentras like You little punk,
contemptuous faggot, sissy, jelly spine, you like to suck it, you
even suck your thumb mamas boy. A piece of me sees my
words to you welcoming you to manhood feels a little hollow like
when did you die and become a man Bob. Suddenly someone
cuts me off in traffic (like thats a rarity in Chicago) and I mumble
bastard!, asshole, what the fuck do you think youre doing! I
truly believe that If I was not already venting my rage on myself
that I would have just have absorbed someone elses
shortcomings.

I have carried my rage too many years to even begin to thing it is
not going to be a part of my ongoing life. How much it will
dominate is up to me.

It is the same with my childhood trauma, it has affected how I
see the world, That view was caused by someone else. Now it
is tempered with, that isnt only way to see the world, and how
do I want to see this world today. Almost any event in my life
can suddenly become a trigger for my old defenses to activate.
It could be the death of my youngest brother, moving to a new
city, starting school, visiting my daughters junior highschool, or
a sunny day casting a light so bright indoors that the room
glows and so on....

The following is about me and please take it as that, unless you
feel that it fits you too. If i may say, what I heard in the scenario
where you vented your rage on that young man, is that you saw
his vulnerability in his innocent playfulness and it was too painful
for the boy in you to see. When Im yelled at I shut down to
protect myself, even as an adult. I heard you trying to protect that
young man by causing him to kick in his defenses by yelling at
him. A way I am familiar with when I protect myself. I hear
that as your relationship to your inner child as it is also mine.

The three responses to fear are:
fight (I might overpower whatI fear and live,)
flight (I might get away from what I fear and live,)
or freeze (I wont be a threat to my attacker and I might live
unless he or she is hungry.)
In my mothers bed my response to fear was to freeze, and keep
my rage passive. My response to my older brothers aggression
was passive rage also, because she offered no protection(I think
she giggled inside.) In both cases my rage was impotent.
To protest was futile. Who would listen or who would have
believed in 1960.

To listen to my daughter is of no simple consequence. The truth
is we pay attention to the things that are important to us. I think
my understanding of this came from a book, Healing the Shame
That Binds Us, by John Bradshaw. I do not want to falter on
that monumental responsibility of mine as a parent. The very
least and the very most I want to give my daughters as their dad
is that they feel significant in this world, that they matter, and that
they know how to love and respect themselves. The problem is
that I cant just tell them they are important and they should
respect themselves. That would go in one ear and out the other
like it did for me when I heard it in school. I never hear that at
home, they did not know what those concepts were. If my
daughters KNOW IN THEIR HEARTS that they are important,
the world is theirs and they know where they can fit in it and
thrive. They learn self respect the same way we all learned it,
through our parents. Now there is a problem. I had to learn to
love and respect myself, and it had to be for me, not for them.
Otherwise they would learn their value was in their relationship
to someone else, which is also a piece of what I learned. On this
topic also, I cannot say do as I say and not as I do.

Im not perfect as a dad, especially with the energy of my
experience to foul things up. There is a notion out there that all
we need to be, is a good enough parent ( I dont recall the
author) in order for our kids to do well. I hope my daughters know
that at least I tried. They are both adults now and the evidence
( the evidence being what my heart knows) shows that they do
know.

They dont know that they taught me that I was born precious
before I learned otherwise, and what that looked like. Their
natural instincts to honor and care for themselves and others as
extentions of themselves put me in touch with how to do that for
myself. They just had to know they were significant,and they
flourished on their own. What marvels they are too.
That was all I really needed -jer and by extension I know that
was all you and others on this page really needed. When I held
my daughters in my arms to comfort them when they were in
pain I knew what that experience looked like, but could I dare
risk being held like that? A young voice from down deep inside
me says fuck that ,I dont need that shit. I say to him as loving
adult says to a child I know Bobby, but what if someone wanted
to give you the kind of love your heart is so aching for A feeling
of terror comes from deep inside and the air around gets
swallowed into a black hole leaving a vacuum that tears the
air from your lungs. Then a loving voice from Bob with tears
in his eyes says,I thought you said you were tired of
being lonely Would you like to know what it feels like to
lovingly held while you cry with the person who is holding you
crying tears because he knows your deepest hurts?
(My eyes are puddles)
It really helped to be in a mens support group to do this work.
I dont ever remember being lovingly held by a father while I
cried when I was growing up. I was able to experience this
with men who have gone through an initiation with the New
Warriors. Since then I have been honored by a trust powerful
enough, by fellow grown men, to have let me hold them while
their hearts poured forth and their souls healed.

enough! I have other things I must do.

I thank you for your questions that put me in touch with a very tender place
within myself. I needed that today

---------- be gentle with yourself

ps go to the survivor stories section on the public forum here on these pages.

also check post Sept 14,2002
 
RJD

They dont know that they taught me that I was born precious
before I learned otherwise, and what that looked like.
Click to expand...
You are a very lucky man.

I love what you wrote here.
Dave
 
Jer,
I'm glad you had noticed your progress first person. I find it so hard to notice any progress with myself. I know I feel better in certain areas but it's difficult to pin it to certain events. However I spent the evening with my old college roommate catching up on things. She told me that I'm the best she has ever seen me. The way I talk, my confidence. Basically the way I carry myself. That was nice to hear. And I'm glad to hear you stood up for yourself. Welcome to manhood (that's not to say I'm already there as well ;) ).
mike
 
Hey All,

I'm working on a reply, and thanks for your support and responses and sharing.

This is really interesting and good stuff... going to and from childhood to manhood issues.

-jer

"No discipline is pleasant at the time, but painful" - Bobby McFerrin, 'Medicine Man' cd

Move over Frederick Douglas and Ralph Waldo Emerson, cuz Le Guin rules!
 
Bless you Bob and the work you do. The boy in me wants to be in your care.

Have you ever been lovingly held held while you cried while the person who is holding you knows full well what your tears are about. If You've never experienced it yourself, how would you know how to do it for yourself. It is certainly understandable why giving yourself a hug feels so awkward. Even a T in this day and age has to forgo such physical contact for fear of being mispercieved. A father has to know what it feels like before he can really hold his son or daughter in full support. I knew what it looked like being held, but I hadn't experienced it till years later.

The skill that I need to be in place before doing such regression work is the skill of being able to put one foot in the past while maintaining one foot in the present(the here and now where the abuse is no longer occuring)
 
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