Coming to terms; fear of reintegration. *triggers*
A week ago, I admitted out-loud for the first time that I was assaulted. At the end of December I was gang raped for 48 consecutive hours. I thought it was my fault. Part of me still does. It started consensually, I think. I was high on crystal meth, and while I was high, I initiated contact with someone who passed me around for days. He gave me more and more drugs. More than I've ever done. I was out of my mind and the things that I experienced during that time were completely outside of my realm of understanding or comfort.
My advocate told me that when I'm like that, I can't consent. He said if I was walking down the street high as a kite and Stark naked, it's still rape if somebody takes advantage of me in the condition.
My therapist and I are discussing disassociation and how it applies me. How it has applied to many episodes that I have had over a very long period of time. I am also aware that narcotics can trigger disassociative episodes and that I was being protected by my mind by leaving my body while it acted without me.
Those rapists sold me to more rapists because drug dealers and perverts are terrible people who do that, apparently. And then they tried to kill me. For a while, my mind was in absolute pieces. I begged for help for months. Eventually, I got it.
I have felt/been 'safe' for five weeks. My needs are met but my quality of life is lacking. I have no discretionary income therefore no means to do things I enjoy and I have got to do something about it. The world doesn't stop because I'm hurting. I feel better sometimes, for brief but growing windows and I am trying to utilize them. I am afraid of what will happen if I accept responsibilities only to fall apart in front of innocent bystanders.
I have an interview in 6 hours and I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about the way skin feels on skin when you perform certain acts and I feel unclean and unhirable and non-functional. I don't know how anyone can answer phones and file paperwork like a zombie surrounded by people who fake smile and want a paycheck when you've been reduced to that and it is eating me in side and I feel NOTHING when I try to cry or scream and I really need this job.
I am trying so fucking hard and I really want to be on the other side of this already. I am so tired and my entire state of being is like I'm a black hole wrapped in skin so please wish me luck.
My advocate told me that when I'm like that, I can't consent. He said if I was walking down the street high as a kite and Stark naked, it's still rape if somebody takes advantage of me in the condition.
My therapist and I are discussing disassociation and how it applies me. How it has applied to many episodes that I have had over a very long period of time. I am also aware that narcotics can trigger disassociative episodes and that I was being protected by my mind by leaving my body while it acted without me.
Those rapists sold me to more rapists because drug dealers and perverts are terrible people who do that, apparently. And then they tried to kill me. For a while, my mind was in absolute pieces. I begged for help for months. Eventually, I got it.
I have felt/been 'safe' for five weeks. My needs are met but my quality of life is lacking. I have no discretionary income therefore no means to do things I enjoy and I have got to do something about it. The world doesn't stop because I'm hurting. I feel better sometimes, for brief but growing windows and I am trying to utilize them. I am afraid of what will happen if I accept responsibilities only to fall apart in front of innocent bystanders.
I have an interview in 6 hours and I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about the way skin feels on skin when you perform certain acts and I feel unclean and unhirable and non-functional. I don't know how anyone can answer phones and file paperwork like a zombie surrounded by people who fake smile and want a paycheck when you've been reduced to that and it is eating me in side and I feel NOTHING when I try to cry or scream and I really need this job.
I am trying so fucking hard and I really want to be on the other side of this already. I am so tired and my entire state of being is like I'm a black hole wrapped in skin so please wish me luck.
