Come Here, Go Away........Am I in a relationship?

[TRYINGTOFIGUREITOUT]

I have been in a "relationship" with someone for 13 years. He was severely abused by his father from a very early age. He was "passed around" to the father's friends to use as they wished. I recognized the signs of CSA early on. When I finally asked him if he was abused, his silence was DEAFENING !!!!! My first words were "IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT" and "I LOVE YOU".

Over these many years we have been very close and he has pushed me away (1 1/2 years was the longest) I will then hear from him and he will tell me how much I mean to him, how grateful he is to have me and how he doesn't want to lose me. These infrequent calls will only happen when he is drunk and he is feeling uninhibited.

I have read MANY books on the subject and have found minor comfort in some of the explanations. Whenever I try to broach the subject, he will shut down. I have suggested therapy and agreed to go along.............he isn't ready.

Needless to say, the abuse has severely affected our sexual relationship.

ANY suggestions would be MOST WELCOMED.

Thank you for reading.

 

[betrayed boy]

hi, not sure what to say about most of that but I would recommend that you find a therapist just for you, going to his sessions would probably be counter productive things that need saying by him may not be said if you are there its very hard to open up to a T I believe one on one would serve him best, this is not to say joint sessions with you both would also help I think a mix of the two types would help , good luck

 

[mmfan]

It sounds like a frustrating situation to be stuck in. If he isn't ready to even open that box and confront his past, and only calls you when he's drunk ....then that is your answer unfortunately. A survivor who won't do their own work isn't available for a relationship. He isn't ready and you are stuck waiting. Except that you do have a choice which is to decide to move forward and live your life. I hate telling someone to move on but you could spend your whole life waiting and that isn't psychologically healthy for you. You need to find your own purpose and joy and to open yourself up to new experiences. If life brings you back together later then great.

 

[Induna]

It sounds like a frustrating situation to be stuck in. If he isn't ready to even open that box and confront his past, and only calls you when he's drunk ....then that is your answer unfortunately. A survivor who won't do their own work isn't available for a relationship. He isn't ready and you are stuck waiting. Except that you do have a choice which is to decide to move forward and live your life. I hate telling someone to move on but you could spend your whole life waiting and that isn't psychologically healthy for you. You need to find your own purpose and joy and to open yourself up to new experiences. If life brings you back together later then great.

This is all spot on from my perspective too. The way he is behaving he probably won't even be able to see the OP except through the fog of his own inner turmoil, and his inability to be who he wants to be for her, or imagines he should be, will just be another reason to beat himself up...

 

[MO-Survivor]

It sounds like a frustrating situation to be stuck in. If he isn't ready to even open that box and confront his past, and only calls you when he's drunk ....then that is your answer unfortunately. A survivor who won't do their own work isn't available for a relationship. He isn't ready and you are stuck waiting. Except that you do have a choice which is to decide to move forward and live your life. I hate telling someone to move on but you could spend your whole life waiting and that isn't psychologically healthy for you. You need to find your own purpose and joy and to open yourself up to new experiences. If life brings you back together later then great.

I too agree with this. It's so hard to tell this to someone like you who wants to love a CSA survivor and stay engaged in their life. But yeah... if he isn't able to even talk about it, much less get help for it, it will be a long, lonely road for you. But like mmfan said: "If life brings you back together later then great." You aren't giving up on him, but you are realizing your own wants and needs that he cannot give you right now and is unwilling to work on himself so that he (maybe) can give you those things.

 

[Pollux]

hi, not sure what to say about most of that but I would recommend that you find a therapist just for you, going to his sessions would probably be counter productive things that need saying by him may not be said if you are there its very hard to open up to a T I believe one on one would serve him best, this is not to say joint sessions with you both would also help I think a mix of the two types would help , good luck

very good advice. I’m in therapy and it’s difficult to navigate relationships as a survivor. Even if he was ready for therapy I would still recommend therapy for you.

 

[TRYINGTOFIGUREITOUT]

Thank you all for your comments, suggestions and advice. It IS a very difficult situation . I am in therapy as well. I know that it is in my best interest to "move on". I'm sure you all know how difficult it is to see someone you love in SO MUCH pain and helpless to do anything to alleviate it. I know he has to help himself and no one can do that for him.

To complicate matters, his father recently passed away and I am sure he is dealing with many unresolved issues that are now unable to be resolved.

 

[MO-Survivor]

Thank you all for your comments, suggestions and advice. It IS a very difficult situation . I am in therapy as well. I know that it is in my best interest to "move on". I'm sure you all know how difficult it is to see someone you love in SO MUCH pain and helpless to do anything to alleviate it. I know he has to help himself and no one can do that for him.

To complicate matters, his father recently passed away and I am sure he is dealing with many unresolved issues that are now unable to be resolved.

@Visitor - I'm thinking of the relationships you have gone through. Wonder if you have insights you could share?

@TRYINGTOFIGUREITOUT - ultimately you are the one who gets to decide how to manage this relationship. That is empowering and also scary / lonely. I wish we had a clear path to help you and him... but since you're the one coming here, I think we are all wanting to encourage you however we can so that you have a full life. That kind of full life is what we are after too

 

[viscosetee]

Oh boy. I heard my wife’s’ voice when I read that. Your love and compassion. And frustration. It’s all very familiar. I feel for you, and I’m moved by your honesty and passion about it. I wish there was some magic solution I/we could offer. All I can offer is my perspective. I don’t know the specifics of your boyfriend’s situation and I’m not suggesting it’s the same as mine. I’m only hoping that my sharing can provide some sort of insight.

I was also abused by my father and other guys from a young age. I’ve struggled with alcohol as an adult. My biggest relationship obstacle has been my inability to open up sexually. I’m good with intimacy but I’ve had difficulty being completely comfortable sexually with partners. That blockage was the cause of all other problems. I thought no one would possibly understand and accept me if I was honest with them about my deepest, darkest sexual history, thoughts, desires, fantasies, etc. I lived a double life sexually for a long time. I wasn’t aware of the concept of replicating trauma and that I had been acting out sexually by secretly hooking up with older men. I blamed myself rather than my trauma. I thought I was bad, and I lived in fear of being judged and rejected because of it. I just couldn’t open up about any of that. I started by educating myself and identifying what was going on. I learned to accept myself and not blame myself. I’m still working on the second part which is telling my wife the complete story. It’s a process. I’ve shared all of it with her except for the acting out my daddy sexual fantasies. The big one. I’m building up to that. But the more I share the better things get.

Your partner isn’t capable of getting help himself, so you’ve taken the lead. That’s a big responsibility, but it seems like the best and fastest way to finding a resolution and moving forward, either together or separately. I remember being at the exact point you’re at now. I remember my wife’s frustration. I wish I could’ve just looked my wife in the eye and said, “I like servicing daddies.” I couldn’t. But some part of me thinks that I could’ve opened up quicker if my wife was some magical all-knowing being and said, “I read that it’s common for CSA survivors to have sexual fantasies about their abuse and act it out.” Once again, I’m not saying this is the case with your boyfriend. I’m saying you could start digging and hope that something you say clicks with him. Maybe try letting him know that you won’t judge him because of his thoughts or behavior. Though it sounds like you’ve already tried that? Maybe try and draw him out by asking specific questions about maladaptive behavior. That probably would’ve helped me. Ideally it would be best to do it with a therapist but that’s not an option.

OK. Thank you so much for sharing and stirring up all this stuff in me. It’s comforting. I hope this has been helpful in some way and that I haven’t just been barfing my business all over the place. I wish you the best and feel free to PM if you want.

 

[TRYINGTOFIGUREITOUT]

@Visitor - I'm thinking of the relationships you have gone through. Wonder if you have insights you could share?

@TRYINGTOFIGUREITOUT - ultimately you are the one who gets to decide how to manage this relationship. That is empowering and also scary / lonely. I wish we had a clear path to help you and him... but since you're the one coming here, I think we are all wanting to encourage you however we can so that you have a full life. That kind of full life is what we are after too

@Visitor - I'm thinking of the relationships you have gone through. Wonder if you have insights you could share?

@TRYINGTOFIGUREITOUT - ultimately you are the one who gets to decide how to manage this relationship. That is empowering and also scary / lonely. I wish we had a clear path to help you and him... but since you're the one coming here, I think we are all wanting to encourage you however we can so that you have a full life. That kind of full life is what we are after too

Thank you MO for your encouraging message. Everyone's comments have been thoughtful, heartfelt and much appreciated.