Colleague invades my boundaries (unknowingly)

[Grunty1967b]

Im discovering feelings and emotions that were never a part of me before. This is all part of my recovery Im told. It presents good things (in the long term I guess) but it also presents some undesirable results sometimes.

Today I was at a staff Christmas lunch and towards the end a co-worker was leaving and came up behind me, placed both of his hand on both of my shoulders, kept them there as he stated talking to me, but kept them there, then still kept them there, and still kept them there even longer.

I tried to shrug him off but he wouldnt let go. He was only trying to be friendly but what he was doing freaked me out and triggered me big time. The longer he wouldnt let go, the longer it freaked me out. I tried to dislodge him by playingly saying whos there? and turning around quickly so he could see me, had my attention and would no longer need to have me 'pinned' in order to get my attention but it still didnt work. I said that several times, louder each time until he finally let go. Several people heard my weird response by this time but it was all I could do apart from getting up and punching him or hitting him. He violated my personal space big time and what really set me off I guess was that another male was touching me without permission and not letting go.

Although my response I guess was less than discreet what amazed me was that I had the guts to know I didnt like something and I tried my best to make it end. Just a short time ago I wouldnt have had any idea what I was really feeling or I wouldnt know why I felt like I did and I certainly wouldnt have tried to do anything about it. I would have just sat there, felt incredibly violated but done nothing about it.

Ive written this little episode shortly after coming home from my work and this function. This whole (what felt to me like a violation) has really upset me and it ended up putting a bad taste in my mouth for the rest of the day. Ive come here to you guys to share my anger (thats new to feel that also) and to share how I feel disgusting not that I did anything wrong by him touching me but it has made me feel yuk. I know you guys will understand this and so it helps knowing I can let it out, tell people who understand; for those who know me its also good to know that you care and youre here with me through it all.

So I do see this as progress. Now if I can just act normal when I dont like certain things people do.

Bruce

 

[Morning Star]

When ever someone treats me like a kid I get terribly angry and feel belittle the way my parents did.

So I am extra cautious against such people, but in the process I misinterpret actions of lot people who would have no harm planned.

Though gradually it is getting better, I am able to find that space between my emotions and state what I am feeling and say no.

I am also becoming aware is whenever I am triggered like this, it is a moment tremedous healing can take place, I can tell either allow that child to play out or allow that child to heal, by telling that frieghtened child: Its ok, no one is going to hurt you, you are safe.

That is how I can truly heal.

 

[roadrunner]

Bruce,

The episode was upsetting, I can see that. I feel that way as well, and the kind of touching you describe - from behind and by surprise - is what really triggers me. It makes me think, of course, of the touching that was a part of abuse when I was a child. At first I thought okay, I am triggered because it reminds me of the abuse episodes themselves, but there is more to it than that. Sudden touching, at least for me and I suppose also for you, brings back the old feelings of powerlessness and defenselessness that I felt more or less all the time. Touching reminds me that I could be harmed and violated by anyone at any time.

The positive side of this is how quickly you read everything that was happening and how you can see signs of progress in your healing. That's really cool. We do need to keep these advances in mind, since there will of course be days when we feel we have been set back big-time.

It's always good to hear from you bro, and especially when you have good news. It's unfortunate your colleague triggered you, but your reaction was spot on I think. And the way you are learning to stand back and look at everything and see how it hangs together and what it means for your recovery is really great.

Much love,
Larry

 

[bisulatino]

At my last job all employees were required to take a class on harassment at the local university. They talked about the whole "someone putting their hands on someone else's shoulder" issue and warned that it will get you into big trouble. An example our teacher gave us was a professor at another university who put his hand on a female student's shoulder during class while he was talking to her. She had just been sexually assaulted recently and was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, so the result of his hand on her shoulder was an almost complete nervous breakdown right there in the classroom. She ended up dropping out of college for that semester and, when the university refused to refund her tuition and fees, she sued them and won.

Considering that, not wanting him to touch you is not just perfectly normal, but your legal right. You may want to tell your friend how it made you uncomfortable, not just for your sake but for his as well, since another employee may not be so forgiving!

 

[andrew51]

Bruce, I know what you mean. Only in recent years have I been comfortable with people touching me or showing platonic physical affection. Peace, Andrew