Sandy: I too went through this stage with my SA partner. He got on the "codependent" bandwagon at one point and got a copy of the Melody Beattie book, and then suddenly EVERYTHING I did was "codependent". Because, depending on how you look at it, you could call just about every behaviour in reaction to someone else's beahviour "codependent".
There are some critical reviews by counsellors and PhD's regarding the whole codependent movement online. I'll try to dig some up and post the URLs.
In the meantime, the whole issue of codependency in our relationship was one giant fight that took up MONTHS of time. I started to see codependency as one big continuum. From your postings and discussion in this thread I see the same logic/discussions that we had.
If you care to read - here are my two cents worth and my experiences: (I am not an expert, just someone who has been there)...
At one end you have true "pathological codependents" out there - people who do lose their own sense of selves and really cannot cope and spend their entire time trying to fix the other person instead of focussing on themselves and what they can do. In these people, they do do exhibit some pretty pathological behaviour - i.e believing they are nobody without the other person, that they gain their self worth because of their connections to someone else, that they will deny everything they value to "please" someone else, etc. They have an excessive need to please, be loved, prevent abandonment, etc. Often a result of various types of abuse.
Then there is the other extreme, where people do not interact at all and exist in two completely separate spheres, one not having an influence on the other, kind of like roommates that work opposite shifts.
In the middle there is lots of room for interpretation and that is also where healthy relationships sit. If someone you care about does something hurtful or harmful, by just being human, you will feel sad, or possibly angry. Unless you are a robot or someone with some emotional/feeling/empathy problems, you should and WILL care about the hurts and troubles of someone else's that you care for. And you WILL react if you get in a fight and some hurtful things are said. And I truly believe that it is a noble thing to want to please your partner (within reason) and to try and help someone you care about get through a tough time (again, within reason).
I think the codependency sets in when you focus a lot of your own energy on trying to FIX that person, and you personally start to suffer consequences from it (i.e. you spend all day on the phone trying to fix your partner and you get fired, or you are starting to have anxiety problems because you are living someone's problems vicariously, etc).
In my learning about codependency it is very hard to find one completely accepted definition of codependency and in my relationship in particular, the concept was used pretty hurtfully as a "smoke screen" for my BF to continue denying his responsibility to clean up his rotten acting-out behaviour. It took a lot to convince him that his inability-to handle-anger-resulting-in-horrific-verbal abuse was taking its toll on me and our relationship, and that HE had some responsibilty here, and that it wasn't 100% me being a codependent by being upset by him calling me every name in the book for WHATEVER reason he could come up with at the time.
Just be careful with this whole issue - when tempers are flaring up and you are feeling emotional and he is feeling vulnerable - if your relationship is like mine then you may fall into a "recurrent fight" on this for awhile. If it becomes a problem you may wish to employ the services of a "neutral third party" (couples' counsellor) to help you sort out who's responsibility is who's. We were both guilty in this disagreement. It was strongly suggested that we do our own individual therapy as a means to address this ongoing "codependency" argument. My BF has just started an anger management group therapy to deal with his outbursts and I agreed to go to hypnotherapy to address my own abuse and anxiety issues that led to some less than healthy responses to his abuse.
Good luck.
Soccer
