Co-abusers (triggers)

[heart]

I am trying to make sense of the behaviours of co-abusers and wondering what's in it for them.

Why is it my parents took side with one of the perp who abused me (I was 13) even though he had been caught on the act by a park warden. Why is it my parents twisted my arm to drop the charges against the perp. Why,once the guy had been released from custody and charges dropped, did my parents arranged for me to meet with the perp and basically getting me to apologize to him for all the trouble he'd been through,poor thing!(those last two words to be read with extreme sarcasm).

The perp who abused me got some sexual gratification and a power trip, what do co-abusers get from siding up with perps? Why is it that co-abusers sometime play the "but I love you" guilt trip? (adding salt to the injury...)
Perps do get caught, although not often enough and the sentences are riducule, but co-abusers always get away scot-free.

To my inner child it feels like there are two types of people on this planet: abusers and co-abusers.

I did not put question marks to my questions in the second paragraph because I think co-abusers are just like perps, they will never tell the truth of why they did it, plus I severed all contacts with my parents year ago.

Not only have I experienced the effects of abuse all my life but I also get questions going round and round in an eternal circle in my head and it drives my crazy!

Anyway it's good to write things down.
Heart

 

[Rustam]

Its a difficult question and one I am not sure I have any answers to. It must be very painful to have your parents betray you in this way. Its quite incredible that they could pressure you into apologising to the perp. I expect you are right that the co-abusers will not face the truth.

I dont know about your parents in particular but many people who disbelieve, minimise or blame the abused child do so because it is simply makes it easier for co-abusers to deal with. Its hard to face this reality so if you can lie to yourself believe it didnt happen, was no big deal or was the childs fault then you dont have to deal with the truth and the painful feelings that would have to be faced. This dynamic makes more sense when the perp is part of the family and the truth threatens the family unit. When the perp is outside the family one would expect there to be less likelihood of this cruel treatment of a child.

Hope you do find answers to and peace with your painful and difficult questions.

Take care,

Rustam.

 

[estuardo]

Heart,

I'm in a similar situation with my dad, and siblings, but they choose to ignore me.

My thoughts are, it's tied to the dysfuntional family/co-dependency issues that effect most families to begin with. To go into any detail, would be way to lengthy. If you have a T, ask them to recommend some books on this topic. There are plenty! and most are pretty good.

As I started to work through my co-dependency issues, I began to see how others 'played their part', or role in the whole scheme. It made sense to me, once I could see that part of the picture. There is still plenty of room for improvement.

peace,
estuardo

 

[phoster]

all i can figure is that it is too painful to admit to themselves that thier child was abused. it is mentally easier to tell themselves the kid made it all up, or it wasnt what it seemed. to admit you were molested is to face thier own part in it, when they failed to protect you, and failed to see it coming. as hard as it is for us to understand, i think parents go through this denial phase too. some never come out of it.