Clearing up orientation issues
Another layer is lifting.
I can say that all of my sexual interactions with men that began after getting molested by a guy when I was 13 were about me trying to connect with men in the only way that was ever really shown to me - sexually.
I can see that in my acting out episodes subsequent to my abuse after the initial episode were episodes where I was really trying to connect to the archetypal "male" (as all boys do) and it became sexualized and so I did what someone taught my body to do - connect via sexualized touch and behavior. I can even break down the acting out into the notion that it was also me trying to get to know what the male body was like (which all boys have natural curiosity about - questions about body hair, erections, muscles) but again, rather than doing it with other boys in regular settings, I had been sexualized and tried to connect to the same needs as other boys but in very sick and damaged ways. Grown men took advantage of my needs and further used my having been sexualized against me and I mistakenly seemed to think that I was getting my needs met but I wasn't. I was getting a completely skewed, crazy view of manhood that was separate from the rest of my life and really rooted in shame and eroticization of something that was never meant to be sexualized in the way that it was.
I am writing all of this to write about my experience and to let me off of the hook. I've blamed myself for what I did, hated myself for what I did when in reality what I did is what I was taught by sick men but underneath it I was trying to get my needs for male attention and male closeness met. Also, I had an emotionally void, alcoholic father and just like every boy, I needed a connection as boy to a man and that need was taken full advantage of. Writing this stuff allows me to acknowledge that I did nothing wrong. It's all on the men who took advantage. I was an innocent boy seeking connection when I had none. The fact that I had a sexual reaction to sexual touch has nothing to do with my orientation at all. It has everything to do with a manipulator knowing that I was a needy boy that he could abuse and screw up for his own selfish needs. He was a stranger so I'll never see that person again but I don't need to - I just need to accept that there are evil motherfuckers on this earth and I don't have to make excuses for them.
I'm taking back my sexuality from these men who led me to believe that I was as fully culpable in these sexual situations as they were. They acted as if I was an equal participant and I let them put their own shit that they couldn't deal with on me. I have been a guy who has taken on a lot of other peoples' shit and wondered how do I help them or how do I relieve them and how do I share their burden. It seems to me that many people in the world are happy when they find someone to carry their shit for them. I don't do it anymore. Also, I never did what they did to any kids nor has it even come anywhere into my mind or universe and how lucky am I that I don't have to walk this earth with that on my mind and soul.
I'm committed to relationship intimacy with other people and that includes old abandoned family relationships, new and old friendships and eventually romantic relationships. It's been many years without intimacy including sex and I'm done. Just because I'm done doesn't mean it will change overnight but it will change because I'm committed and it has already been shown to me that I can recover from other behaviors so why wouldn't I be able to recover from intimacy avoidant behaviors? That is my approach - getting beyond intimacy avoidance. One of the things that has been in the way is huge amounts of self blame for my abuse and also a fear-based inability to claim my sexuality as mine to define no matter what anyone else says (and people love to give unsolicited opinions and also try to tamp down these conversations).
Writing about orientation, abuse, masculinity, touch, intimacy, acting out - that is quite a bunch of things for male survivors to approach. A lot of this is about acceptance and a lot of it is about recovery. Where the line is between the two isn't always clear but it doesn't matter. All I know is I can see a future that isn't as bleak, angry and lonely as the past. All because I'm committed and know that I will find the assistance, guidance and support that I need to grow up beyond the boy who stopped growing when he was abused.
I can say that all of my sexual interactions with men that began after getting molested by a guy when I was 13 were about me trying to connect with men in the only way that was ever really shown to me - sexually.
I can see that in my acting out episodes subsequent to my abuse after the initial episode were episodes where I was really trying to connect to the archetypal "male" (as all boys do) and it became sexualized and so I did what someone taught my body to do - connect via sexualized touch and behavior. I can even break down the acting out into the notion that it was also me trying to get to know what the male body was like (which all boys have natural curiosity about - questions about body hair, erections, muscles) but again, rather than doing it with other boys in regular settings, I had been sexualized and tried to connect to the same needs as other boys but in very sick and damaged ways. Grown men took advantage of my needs and further used my having been sexualized against me and I mistakenly seemed to think that I was getting my needs met but I wasn't. I was getting a completely skewed, crazy view of manhood that was separate from the rest of my life and really rooted in shame and eroticization of something that was never meant to be sexualized in the way that it was.
I am writing all of this to write about my experience and to let me off of the hook. I've blamed myself for what I did, hated myself for what I did when in reality what I did is what I was taught by sick men but underneath it I was trying to get my needs for male attention and male closeness met. Also, I had an emotionally void, alcoholic father and just like every boy, I needed a connection as boy to a man and that need was taken full advantage of. Writing this stuff allows me to acknowledge that I did nothing wrong. It's all on the men who took advantage. I was an innocent boy seeking connection when I had none. The fact that I had a sexual reaction to sexual touch has nothing to do with my orientation at all. It has everything to do with a manipulator knowing that I was a needy boy that he could abuse and screw up for his own selfish needs. He was a stranger so I'll never see that person again but I don't need to - I just need to accept that there are evil motherfuckers on this earth and I don't have to make excuses for them.
I'm taking back my sexuality from these men who led me to believe that I was as fully culpable in these sexual situations as they were. They acted as if I was an equal participant and I let them put their own shit that they couldn't deal with on me. I have been a guy who has taken on a lot of other peoples' shit and wondered how do I help them or how do I relieve them and how do I share their burden. It seems to me that many people in the world are happy when they find someone to carry their shit for them. I don't do it anymore. Also, I never did what they did to any kids nor has it even come anywhere into my mind or universe and how lucky am I that I don't have to walk this earth with that on my mind and soul.
I'm committed to relationship intimacy with other people and that includes old abandoned family relationships, new and old friendships and eventually romantic relationships. It's been many years without intimacy including sex and I'm done. Just because I'm done doesn't mean it will change overnight but it will change because I'm committed and it has already been shown to me that I can recover from other behaviors so why wouldn't I be able to recover from intimacy avoidant behaviors? That is my approach - getting beyond intimacy avoidance. One of the things that has been in the way is huge amounts of self blame for my abuse and also a fear-based inability to claim my sexuality as mine to define no matter what anyone else says (and people love to give unsolicited opinions and also try to tamp down these conversations).
Writing about orientation, abuse, masculinity, touch, intimacy, acting out - that is quite a bunch of things for male survivors to approach. A lot of this is about acceptance and a lot of it is about recovery. Where the line is between the two isn't always clear but it doesn't matter. All I know is I can see a future that isn't as bleak, angry and lonely as the past. All because I'm committed and know that I will find the assistance, guidance and support that I need to grow up beyond the boy who stopped growing when he was abused.
