Cleansing
Hi everyone. First let me extend such a huge sense of gratitude, respect, and admiration for the creators of this site and all the participants.
My story is a little bit different. At a very young age my older brother took to hyper-accelerating my sexualization by more or less molesting me and teaching me that it was seemingly acceptable for kids to be doing that type of thing. I can't remember exact ages/years/times but I have a feeling it was around the time where I was learning how to write, because I remember a rather comical incident that happened in the same time period in which my brother taught me how to spell a swear word, and I got in trouble for writing it down and handing it to my younger sister.
Since sexuality was now 'OK' for me, I seemed to have done the same thing to my sister. I recently confronted her about it, and she denies it. Perhaps she is not ready, does not remember, is repressing, or maybe it really didn't happen. That would be wonderful. Regardless, it's not in anyone's interests if I press it with anyone but myself.
I can't remember if there ever was a time from then until now where it didn't bother me or at least make itself present in my mind one way or another. So, this poisonous entity inside me has grown stronger and stronger over the past 20 years or so.
I had been meaning to seek therapy just because I didn't like the way things were going for me. I lost my marriage, which was probably the best for both of us, but that was only the 2nd big thing I'd ever failed at - college being the other - and it hurt. A good friend recommended a place of therapy to me when my wife had expressed an interest in seeking therapy for childhood issues as well, and it turns out this place is awesome. I wasn't able to be treated by the therapist I wanted since she was still treating my wife, but I managed to get a recommendation from her to start seeing my current therapist.
I wanted to be prepared, and 100% honest all the time so I could get the most out of it. I can't tell you how close I was to completely skipping over mentioning the CSA, as I've seen it referred to as here, during the first 2 sessions where I laid down history, and what I wanted out of the therapy. I did 15 mins worth of Googling to find out good ways to prepare for therapy, and came upon psychologytoday.com. I took 2 online self-tests regarding anxiety, and 'Do I need therapy?'. The results were a little disturbing, but I had to laugh because they gave wonderful new buzzwords to apply to all the anxiety, depression, phobias, etc that I had been riddled with for years. But the most important thing those tests did for me is identify a potential sexual deviation issue, and by printing out those questions & results and handing them over to my therapist, I did the best thing for myself that I've ever done.
So a session or 2 went on, and I was still the guy who thought 'Yea, I may have been molested, but I'm not angry, and the only way it's affecting me is by my being aware of it.' Ho ho ho! Talk about wool over the eyes. There's one innocous sentence that she questioned of me that I'll never forget. "Do you want to know how much that has really affected you?". Well it took about a day and a half for it to sink in, then it hit me...HARD.
I took 5 days off work, I was a bit of a blabbering, emotional wreck to my boss when asking for time off, and to my sister, and I drank HEAVILY. It, the CSA, had attached itself to almost...well yea, pretty much every part of my life.
I finally acknowledged that the control I had so desperately wanted, I had actually handed over to this poisonous monster. I started taking it back, I had 2 days of nothing less than euphoria. I was higher than a kite. Things have kinda leveled off since then, but this leveling off is still so much higher than it was before. The 2 euphoria days were last week. I stumbled and fell since then, but I'm getting myself back up because now after all these years I'm getting acquainted with myself and realizing that I want to take care of myself, and that I'm worth a lot more than I ever gave myself credit.
So, no I am not healed, but I never knew I could heal, and it's so much fun! If I had found this site and realized I wasn't alone, and that there was real genuine hope when I was in my darkest time, I could've started the healing process a lot sooner. But this was and is my time and hopefully I can help in some way, somehow. I've met another CSA victim out of the blue recently, and she is a shining example of how much better things will get for me since she's already past that point. I also just connected with an old friend on THIS level after all these years. I feel supported and it feels really, really, good. So now I'll welcome these tears as little friends who are trying to wash away the pollution that has kept me sick forever.
My story is a little bit different. At a very young age my older brother took to hyper-accelerating my sexualization by more or less molesting me and teaching me that it was seemingly acceptable for kids to be doing that type of thing. I can't remember exact ages/years/times but I have a feeling it was around the time where I was learning how to write, because I remember a rather comical incident that happened in the same time period in which my brother taught me how to spell a swear word, and I got in trouble for writing it down and handing it to my younger sister.
Since sexuality was now 'OK' for me, I seemed to have done the same thing to my sister. I recently confronted her about it, and she denies it. Perhaps she is not ready, does not remember, is repressing, or maybe it really didn't happen. That would be wonderful. Regardless, it's not in anyone's interests if I press it with anyone but myself.
I can't remember if there ever was a time from then until now where it didn't bother me or at least make itself present in my mind one way or another. So, this poisonous entity inside me has grown stronger and stronger over the past 20 years or so.
I had been meaning to seek therapy just because I didn't like the way things were going for me. I lost my marriage, which was probably the best for both of us, but that was only the 2nd big thing I'd ever failed at - college being the other - and it hurt. A good friend recommended a place of therapy to me when my wife had expressed an interest in seeking therapy for childhood issues as well, and it turns out this place is awesome. I wasn't able to be treated by the therapist I wanted since she was still treating my wife, but I managed to get a recommendation from her to start seeing my current therapist.
I wanted to be prepared, and 100% honest all the time so I could get the most out of it. I can't tell you how close I was to completely skipping over mentioning the CSA, as I've seen it referred to as here, during the first 2 sessions where I laid down history, and what I wanted out of the therapy. I did 15 mins worth of Googling to find out good ways to prepare for therapy, and came upon psychologytoday.com. I took 2 online self-tests regarding anxiety, and 'Do I need therapy?'. The results were a little disturbing, but I had to laugh because they gave wonderful new buzzwords to apply to all the anxiety, depression, phobias, etc that I had been riddled with for years. But the most important thing those tests did for me is identify a potential sexual deviation issue, and by printing out those questions & results and handing them over to my therapist, I did the best thing for myself that I've ever done.
So a session or 2 went on, and I was still the guy who thought 'Yea, I may have been molested, but I'm not angry, and the only way it's affecting me is by my being aware of it.' Ho ho ho! Talk about wool over the eyes. There's one innocous sentence that she questioned of me that I'll never forget. "Do you want to know how much that has really affected you?". Well it took about a day and a half for it to sink in, then it hit me...HARD.
I took 5 days off work, I was a bit of a blabbering, emotional wreck to my boss when asking for time off, and to my sister, and I drank HEAVILY. It, the CSA, had attached itself to almost...well yea, pretty much every part of my life.
I finally acknowledged that the control I had so desperately wanted, I had actually handed over to this poisonous monster. I started taking it back, I had 2 days of nothing less than euphoria. I was higher than a kite. Things have kinda leveled off since then, but this leveling off is still so much higher than it was before. The 2 euphoria days were last week. I stumbled and fell since then, but I'm getting myself back up because now after all these years I'm getting acquainted with myself and realizing that I want to take care of myself, and that I'm worth a lot more than I ever gave myself credit.
So, no I am not healed, but I never knew I could heal, and it's so much fun! If I had found this site and realized I wasn't alone, and that there was real genuine hope when I was in my darkest time, I could've started the healing process a lot sooner. But this was and is my time and hopefully I can help in some way, somehow. I've met another CSA victim out of the blue recently, and she is a shining example of how much better things will get for me since she's already past that point. I also just connected with an old friend on THIS level after all these years. I feel supported and it feels really, really, good. So now I'll welcome these tears as little friends who are trying to wash away the pollution that has kept me sick forever.