Circling Again

[i-m-Bri]

I’m trying to write about why I feel so protective of my bodybuilding goals, why I keep them under wraps. And once again I am right here:

For so long the path to my ambitions was through a landscape that was off limits. The mythology of my youth dictated only real boys were entitled to pursue athletics. Though I am authenticity male on the surface, trauma and situation conspired to convince me I wasn’t. My male facade was the mask of an imposter. You didn’t need to scratch very deep to discover my shame. And it was shame that generated this chasm.

It's the assault on the playground when I was 5 that cemented this crap into place. It exiled me from my gender. It's the thing I battle all the time. Everything loops back to it.

Well I am breaking free. For all to see here are my goals:
I want to manifest beauty, exude muscular grace. I strive to embody a notion of the ideal.
And I am openly working towards that. Today in the Y a guy came over and suggested I should join a serious gym "where they throw tires around" because my workouts are that intense! He also said I was beautiful.

I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that my father would be proud of me.

Yes I am circling back, and each time I let that little kid breath. I don't know if I'll ever be free, it will always have happened. I just want to snap the chains.

 

[Ceremony]

Yes! You snap those damn chains BDD, I'm in tears... of joy brother.

 

[Echoes]

This is a powerful thing to say. Good for you.

 

[i-m-Bri]

Ceremony and Echoes,
Sometimes it catches me off guard. I wanted to write about some incredibly positive things that happened last week. But when I sat down, this is where my true voice was.

I knew my struggle would be understood here. Sometimes I feel like a broken record. But my life changed that day. I changed. I learned things then that have taken me a lifetime to unravel.

Thank you

 

[LoneWolfX]

-

 

[i-m-Bri]

LoneWolfX,

I found thinking of it more as a habit, routine is more successful then as disipline.
It’s very much my time and for me. Rarely do I not feel like going. But on those occasions I make it a point. Once there most times everything falls into place. I like going early morning so the rest ofvthe day doesn’t get in the way.

Thank you

 

[traveler]

Well done, Bri!

i can "hear" the strength and resolve in your "voice!"

may you continue to grow and reach your goals.

Lee

 

[C. E.]

 

[i-m-Bri]

Thanks guys,
I reread my blog post and a thought screamed at me:
I do dare to shim myself in a place of men!
Damn it I do.
I reclaim what was stolen.