christmas (triggers?)

[roadrunner]

Nyjah,

I'm glad you had a good Christmas bro, and you know what the best thing is about Christmas for you this year? You are safe. Just safe people around you and all grownups you trust. That's great.

What happened to you is that you got touched without seeing it coming, and that frightened you and triggered you. Triggering means that something happens, and even though that thing in itself may not be so bad, it causes you to panic because it reminds you of things that happened in the past. In your case it sounds like you had a panic attack. When I was your age I got that too: If I got touched without having a chance to see it coming I would freak out and start choking and throwing up. You aren't alone on this one; it has happened to lots of boys and also adults.

No one will blame you for that and you are not bad because of what happened. The person who put their arm around you just didn't know that this would be a big problem for you.

Grownups sometimes whisper about kids because they are talking about ways of helping you and they don't want you to be frightened. I personally don't think that's good. The grownups may have to decide something because they know a lot more and can talk to doctors and so on, but then they should come to the kid, sit down with him, tell him everything, and let him ask all his questions and get the true answers. That way you KNOW you are really safe and you don't have to worry about what's going on. Grownups sometimes don't understand that when they whisper, that makes the kid think of all kinds of wild and crazy things that might go wrong for him and what did he do that was so bad. They don't get it that an abused kid will be wondering can it happen all over again and is he really okay and safe now. They don't see that trust can't be based on whispering or deciding things about him without sitting down with him and giving him a chance to talk.

If they are talking about tests, don't worry about it. It's okay and you don't have to be scared; they just want to see how is the best way to help you.

Bro, if you want my opinion I would say go right to your Dad and ask him can we go somewhere alone and talk. Ask him all your questions and ask him to explain what is going on. Tell him you don't like the whispering and it makes you feel scared. Your Dad is a good man and he will see right away what he needs to tell you.

I'm really proud of all the progress you have made this year since you came here Nyjah. Don't feel embarrassed because you got triggered; it happens to all of us. You didn't do anything wrong or bad.

Much love,
Larry

 

[TJ]

(((((Nyjah)))))

I totaly agree with everything Larry said - he has a way with words that is much better than mine...

I still get triggered sometimes when someone touches me without me expecting it (but then - to be honest - I've only been working on recovery for a couple of years) - being triggered is nothing to be ashamed of - what happened was just a panic response that you could not have stopped - totaly not your fault...

I always hated it when grown-ups wispered when I was younger - as if they really thought that I could'nt hear every single word of what was said about me

I hope that you will be able to talk things out with your father - from all that you've said about him here - it really seems that he cares a great amount and wants to do what is best for you

I wish you the best,

TJ jeff

 

I had issues with christmas for years, mostly due to being assaulted on or around the BIG DAY.

In my humble opinion its just another day. Society places so much store by it we expect it to be fantastic, which for most of us it seldom is.

Its like sex and movies. They show this perfect couple humping away and we all expect (as I did long ago) for it to be like that. Its not.

Christmas is not happiness and santa and strangers giving you expensive gifts. Its feeling lonely and shitty because OUR christmas doesnt match the magazine/movie christmas society molds us into expecting.

In my experience grown ups whispered because they couldn't relate to their children.

Peace to you and have a good new year. Think positive and keep fighting. It will come good in the end.

 

[dibargib]

Hey demonboi, I don't think it's 'wimpy' at all if you think you could better express yourself through writing. Talking to people about this stuff is hard. Maybe you could reach for a middle ground - write a note to your dad saying that you want to talk to him, and you don't know if he knows how hard it is for you to talk about this kind of stuff, and just give it to him. That way he'll be the one coming back and 'bothering' you, and you won't have to be the bother at all! And, you'll still be talking with your dad, so you won't have those 'wimpy' feelings...

Just an idea if that would make things easier.

-John

 

[roadrunner]

Nyjah,

As John says, writing a note isn't wimpy at all. I am four times your age, and when I was disclosing to my parents in November and my Dad asked who it was who abused me I almost freaked out right then and there. I was choking and I thought I would get sick; I couldn't make the name come out, even though I wanted to tell him. The therapist in whose office I disclosed suggested that I write down the name, but that would have been bad as well. Finally I said it, but it was very difficult.

Remember that it is less than a year since the last time you were hurt. That's yesterday when we are talking about abuse bro! It's natural that you should have difficulty talking.

Can I ask you a tough question? Don't answer here, but think about it. You often say you don't want to be a bother to your Dad, and I'm sure that's what you think the problem is. But maybe deep down inside the real issue is that you think the abuse shouldn't have happened and it's your fault.

If that's a possibility then bear in mind that you were just a little kid when the abuse started, and even now you are just beginning your teenage years. It can never be the fault of a child, and not a teenaged boy's fault either. All that guilt belongs to someone else; let him have it, okay?

Your Dad is a good man and a strong father for you. Try to trust in his love. There is nothing so strong as the love of a good parent for their child. That strength is yours for the asking, but until you talk to your Dad he won't know what you need.

Much love,
Larry