choosing isolation

choosing isolation
K

Kid A

Registrant
I've been a loner my whole life. Normally I've had one or 2 good friends who I spent my time with while I kept my head down to the rest of the world. Now I do things like go to the bookstore and play guitar, things I enjoy but still seem to keep me alone. There's a girl I like who likes me. She's good at making friends which is a trait I like in her, but it makes me a bit jealous at the same time. She's working abroad right now and I'm going on vacation to visit her soon. I can't wait. But I'm scared if I get in a relationship with her that I will depend on her too much. I know I want to be in a relationship with her, but I guess my main concern is that part of my recovery means realizing I am safe with the outside world, that my head can come out of the shell it hides in. I hope I'm making some sense here. I grew up thinking I was just shy but around high school I saw the other shy kids emerge from their shells while I was still frozen. I know that with the handful of people I've felt safe with, I can be witty, fun, sad, deep, light-hearted, worldy, petty, bitter, comic all with a natural flow, but when it comes to dealing with the majority of the world I am simply frozen (which feels different to me than how I imagine shy). This feeling causes me to choose being alone which doesn't help and probably perpetuates my other problems and fears. Even though I know I should call people to hang out, that feeling of being frozen is so undesireable that I don't take the risk too often. Anybody got some words of wisdom, book recs or whatever for breaking habitual solitude. Thanks, David
 
i remember in college, i was taking human behavior, and my professor asked for a show of hands of who was shy. he proceded to drag me up in front of everyone. i was still shy, but i realized i had to change. i wasnt just shy, i was introverted to the point of not functioning well in life.

the only advice i can give is to realize it isnt a good way to be, and to reach deep to make that change. it wasnt therapy or anything like it that made me change, it was living. for my job, for my family, i was forced to change.
 
David,

I dont know your age nor background, so I am assuming you are in your twenties or so.
If so, I guess it will be easier if you can make a relationship with this girl.

If you need time to yourself, you need to be honest from the start that you are not sure of yourself with strangers, that way she will accept it when you need your own space.

My own mind chooses to keep me alone, but hell, I am the life and soul of the party, especially with my younger brother, and we can fly off jokes on each other which makes others scream.

It is/not shyness, it is keeping yourself safe from others because you learned to do that.
You really do need to be honest with her, and tell her early on in the relationship, otherwise she will think you are not serious.

I know its hard, but if she really loves you, she will accept you for who you are, ask the ladies in here,

ste
 
i asm all by myself..no friends ...my t saids that i dont see myself as a equal..to others..i am lesser in my mind..sorry i know this did not answer your question
 
Kid A,

I think an abused boy may pull back into his shell for a variety of reasons. He may see the world as full of danger or he may find his ability to trust is disintegrating. He may feel ashamed, guilty, confused or worthless, or he may fear others will discover what's going on.

In my case, I can remember that I was constantly afraid that somehow others would figure out what "I" was doing. It felt like I had the details written on my back in Christmas lights, just waiting for someone to see. Now, however, I can see that there were so many factors at work - I thought I was a filthy worthless boy who had no place in the world and didn't deserve friends.

The hell of it all is that we carry these feelings on into adulthood without realizing what we are doing or why. It has only been in the past four years, beginning at the age of 53, that I can say I really have the ability again to make good friends, interact with them, and trust them without a real emotional struggle.

This is something I have known for awhile, but still, it stuns me to look at see these words on my screen. The truth of it still hurts.

Much love,
Larry
 
sometimes your alone for so long you dont know how not to be alone
 
Shadow,

You are so right. Survivors often opt for the familiar just because it's what they know, not because it's what they need.

Breaking out of that habit takes courage, my friend, but that's a quality I know you have in ample measure. I know you will deny that, but remember it as you head off to discover your real life next week.

Much love,
Larry
 
Try joining a male survivor support group in your area. It can go a long way in your recovery and break out of your isolation tendencies in general.

Wisdom-Spirituality-Courage
 
All of these guys are right. You need to be honest with her and your feelings. I wouldn't come out and tell her the story as of yet I would definately tell her how unsure you are of exposing yourself to more than her and to tell you if she feels suffocated with respect and honesty. Communication will go along way in relationships I wish I knew how to sooner and in a more complete way other than just telling people of the abuse how it also affects me today.

Dan
 
Yea man, take my advice cuz I really, really screwed up my life over the consequences of hiding something exactly ike this. Give it a little while -=2 3 mos. or when you are together and start feeling very comforatble. If you maybe do the first time you try but can't, don't give up. I gave for what I thought was right and being a man. I'm tellin ya a few years I was 23. and felt it. I'm now about 25 and I feel like UI;m 18 Again. abggo redealized a long time later that it caused me to react in ways I didn't see. You'll put up a wall or might not see you as the cause of problems. Realationship will eventlually stagnate after a while. We felt like soulmates to each other but I started doing a lot things and reactingd amaging ways. I keeping the relationship from growing and ended up being the cause of breaking up. Because of all thos hidden emoions. I eventually blew up one day after way too long and I ended it becaue it's reallly created a huge Take this advice with weight: If you want to be in a relationship with this aperson and see where it goes, you have to tell her or you'll kill it eventually
 
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