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- Thread startergrayson
- Start date
Grayson,
Welcome. I think you'll find that the guys here understand "hard to do". I hope you find that you're correct in saying this is a safe place to talk.
I'd encourage you to talk when you feel you can. Post when you are able to about the things that hurt. You may find it easier to talk about some of the more not so painful things first. Some folk on the other hand dive right in at the deep end and let it all out. You'll find what is safe for you and we'll be here to encourage and support.
Remember, you are not to blame for the bad things that happened, and you are "Worth It"
Lots of love,
John
Welcome. I think you'll find that the guys here understand "hard to do". I hope you find that you're correct in saying this is a safe place to talk.
I'd encourage you to talk when you feel you can. Post when you are able to about the things that hurt. You may find it easier to talk about some of the more not so painful things first. Some folk on the other hand dive right in at the deep end and let it all out. You'll find what is safe for you and we'll be here to encourage and support.
Remember, you are not to blame for the bad things that happened, and you are "Worth It"
Lots of love,
John
Hi,
I am rather new myself and wanted to let you know I am glad you found this site. My experience has been very positive so far after indicating a need and having others respond. There are several individuals who write alot on this site and the feedback they provide is well thought out, clear, supportive, and informative. I don't know where you or I could go and get such good feedback.
So, I suggest you keep writing, and most importantly, risking and see for yourself what benefits you get from the experience. I don't think you will be disappointed.
Barney
I am rather new myself and wanted to let you know I am glad you found this site. My experience has been very positive so far after indicating a need and having others respond. There are several individuals who write alot on this site and the feedback they provide is well thought out, clear, supportive, and informative. I don't know where you or I could go and get such good feedback.
So, I suggest you keep writing, and most importantly, risking and see for yourself what benefits you get from the experience. I don't think you will be disappointed.
Barney
lostcowboy
Registrant
Hi grayson, welcome aboard, as you get more used to the site, and the people here you will find that you will be able to talk. Do not rush it, take your time.
I think the reason I can talk here is, we don't have to use our real names.
Take care,
Clifford
I think the reason I can talk here is, we don't have to use our real names.
Take care,
Clifford
thanks for the welcome. i am surprised at the quick response.
well, here goes. im sure that the mere mention of feelings and spacifics will turn most people off, i am used to that, but im sure it doesnt hurt as bad online as it does in real life. i am feeling quite alone and uncomfortable, i think, because of the things that happened to me. i am under the impression, perhaps wrong, that i am defined by the things i experienced. this makes me mad and kind of afraid.
well, here goes. im sure that the mere mention of feelings and spacifics will turn most people off, i am used to that, but im sure it doesnt hurt as bad online as it does in real life. i am feeling quite alone and uncomfortable, i think, because of the things that happened to me. i am under the impression, perhaps wrong, that i am defined by the things i experienced. this makes me mad and kind of afraid.
Grayson,
The things that happen to us can define us to some extent at least until we learn how to now allow that. For instance, as a teenage boy, I was convinced that I was gay because of what had been done to me. Come to find out, the sexual abuse simply confused me on the subject and had little to do with the facts as they stand.
Yeah, I can identify with afraid! Damn right! You're not alone. Whatever it is that you feel the abuse defined in you, I think you'll find that there are others here who will have experienced the same thing. Talk about it when you are ready to. It's an excellent way of loosening the hold the fear and shame have taken.
Lots of love,
John
The things that happen to us can define us to some extent at least until we learn how to now allow that. For instance, as a teenage boy, I was convinced that I was gay because of what had been done to me. Come to find out, the sexual abuse simply confused me on the subject and had little to do with the facts as they stand.
Yeah, I can identify with afraid! Damn right! You're not alone. Whatever it is that you feel the abuse defined in you, I think you'll find that there are others here who will have experienced the same thing. Talk about it when you are ready to. It's an excellent way of loosening the hold the fear and shame have taken.
Lots of love,
John
roadrunner
Registrant
grayson,
Another word of welcome to the site. It's entirely up to you when, and if and how much you post. People here will accept you just as you are.
You refer to feelings. Sexual abuse isn't just about being physically molested; it's about the tremendous emotional damage as well and feelings are a big part of this. Feeling "alone in a crowd" is very common, and because we think of what happened all the time and seem to have no answers, it's easy to feel defined by the abuse too.
These feelings will pass. The feeling of being alone is one of the first ones we lose as we come here and talk to so many others who know what we are talking about. And eventually you will understand that you are YOU first, and that the abuse DOESN'T define you - it's a crime committed by someone else against you.
If talking about your feelings and specifics of the abuse is what you need to do, or feel you want to do, you should go ahead and do that. Quite often talking helps us in ways we don't expect.
Much love,
Larry
Another word of welcome to the site. It's entirely up to you when, and if and how much you post. People here will accept you just as you are.
You refer to feelings. Sexual abuse isn't just about being physically molested; it's about the tremendous emotional damage as well and feelings are a big part of this. Feeling "alone in a crowd" is very common, and because we think of what happened all the time and seem to have no answers, it's easy to feel defined by the abuse too.
These feelings will pass. The feeling of being alone is one of the first ones we lose as we come here and talk to so many others who know what we are talking about. And eventually you will understand that you are YOU first, and that the abuse DOESN'T define you - it's a crime committed by someone else against you.
If talking about your feelings and specifics of the abuse is what you need to do, or feel you want to do, you should go ahead and do that. Quite often talking helps us in ways we don't expect.
Much love,
Larry
reality2k4
Registrant
Welcome,
just post what you want in your own time.
Nobody knows who you are,
ste
just post what you want in your own time.
Nobody knows who you are,
ste
ok. well thanks for all the encouragement. my problem right now is that I am struggling with how to be friends with guys. I have been, for a long time very guarded, feeling that I would probably be abused again if I became friends with a guy. I second guess his motives and am quite a jerk in an effort to protect myself. I seem to really piss off even the nicest people.
has anyone else experienced this?
I also have a strong craving to be accepted by men, but that doesn't work out so well if I am constantly putting them down and sneering at them
has anyone else experienced this?
I also have a strong craving to be accepted by men, but that doesn't work out so well if I am constantly putting them down and sneering at them
roadrunner
Registrant
grayson,
A lot of guys here will identify with this struggle. It's basically a trust issue. When I was being abused and in the years after, I gradually drifted away from most of my friends. I felt like any friendly gesture was a sign of danger and I constantly wondered "What does he really want?"
As an adult this continued as an anxiety any time I was alone in a room with another man, especially if he was older and had authority over me. I had acquaintances, but I held them at arm's length and very few of them became real friends. If I received a compliment, I wondered why the other person was really saying that.
Solving this problem is a matter of relearning how to trust again, but that's not very easy since we all do have to keep safe boundaries with the others in our lives. As you work on your trust issues this problem is one that will cause you less trouble. But give it time. It is, after all, one of the most important tasks a survivor needs to resolve.
Much love,
Larry
A lot of guys here will identify with this struggle. It's basically a trust issue. When I was being abused and in the years after, I gradually drifted away from most of my friends. I felt like any friendly gesture was a sign of danger and I constantly wondered "What does he really want?"
As an adult this continued as an anxiety any time I was alone in a room with another man, especially if he was older and had authority over me. I had acquaintances, but I held them at arm's length and very few of them became real friends. If I received a compliment, I wondered why the other person was really saying that.
Solving this problem is a matter of relearning how to trust again, but that's not very easy since we all do have to keep safe boundaries with the others in our lives. As you work on your trust issues this problem is one that will cause you less trouble. But give it time. It is, after all, one of the most important tasks a survivor needs to resolve.
Much love,
Larry
I can see that. I just don't really know how do deal with it. if I get close and try to develope trust it has been abused in one way or another. is it something I need to just work through myself? or is it best to work on with someone else? I wish I had a close friend that I could talk in person with. its just been such a disaster before. any suggestions?
I can see that. I just don't really know how do deal with it. if I get close and try to develope trust it has been abused in one way or another. is it something I need to just work through myself? or is it best to work on with someone else? I wish I had a close friend that I could talk in person with. its just been such a disaster before. any suggestions?
roadrunner
Registrant
Grayson,
That's the heart of the matter, isn't it? What you are asking is this: "How can I relearn any trust skills when everyone seems dangerous? Where the hell do I start?"
In my case the starting point was a good therapist. She helped me to see the pros and cons of disclosing to people who were close to me, and finally, a little over three years ago, I told my sister. She was great, and she's still my "rock" as I try to recover. She helped me to disclose to my parents and a few other safe people, and as a result I now have a solid circle of local support. That makes all the difference.
So I would reply by asking you, do you have a T? If not it would be a good idea to think about this. Is therapy something you would be comfortable with? Most male survivors find it a daunting idea at first, but let me tell you, it's great. I have learned so much and have made really good progress in therapy.
Your T would be able to help you with all the issues you name here, and probably a lot of others you haven't considered yet. The T can't "solve" problems for you, but can give you the tools you need to do this yourself.
Much love,
Larry
That's the heart of the matter, isn't it? What you are asking is this: "How can I relearn any trust skills when everyone seems dangerous? Where the hell do I start?"
In my case the starting point was a good therapist. She helped me to see the pros and cons of disclosing to people who were close to me, and finally, a little over three years ago, I told my sister. She was great, and she's still my "rock" as I try to recover. She helped me to disclose to my parents and a few other safe people, and as a result I now have a solid circle of local support. That makes all the difference.
So I would reply by asking you, do you have a T? If not it would be a good idea to think about this. Is therapy something you would be comfortable with? Most male survivors find it a daunting idea at first, but let me tell you, it's great. I have learned so much and have made really good progress in therapy.
Your T would be able to help you with all the issues you name here, and probably a lot of others you haven't considered yet. The T can't "solve" problems for you, but can give you the tools you need to do this yourself.
Much love,
Larry
well, I have been doing "therapy" for about 10 years now. perhaps I'm not receptive or perhaps all my therapists have been skrewed up, but I have yet to get anywhere on some basic issues, such as the interpersonal stuff. I have been thinking about small group stuff or something. not sure if that's a good idea.
Grayson,
Group therapy was one of the most beneficial things I've participated in since I began recovery. The idea is to work together in the group learning what triggers us and learning how to work through the various triggers in a way that brings growth. It can be a bit daunting, but in my experience it happened in a very supportive setting. All in all, a very positive experience.
Give it some thought. It may be a good thing for you to do at some point. Your T will be a good resource on this subject of course.
Lots of love,
John
Group therapy was one of the most beneficial things I've participated in since I began recovery. The idea is to work together in the group learning what triggers us and learning how to work through the various triggers in a way that brings growth. It can be a bit daunting, but in my experience it happened in a very supportive setting. All in all, a very positive experience.
Give it some thought. It may be a good thing for you to do at some point. Your T will be a good resource on this subject of course.
Lots of love,
John
good suggestion. i dont really like my "t" and i think he can be quit a dolt, but he is the only one that doesnt charge an arm and a leg.
i will try to get into a group situation. i am a bit worried, and after reading more posts, think i may be justified in being worried.
i am scared that i will "allow" a situation where i will be abused again. i am constantly affraid that men will befriend me, just to try to rape me. so that makes getting to know guys a bit harder.
i am reading more about "triggers" as well, and i feel that i may have alot of them. many things, i guess, cause feelings of lonelieness and the need to be dominated.
the feeling that i need to be held and hugged, and ultimatly, if i follow the fantasy out to the end, get raped (oraly or analy it doesnt really matter. i just worry/fantasize about that alot)
my abuse was very twisted, as im sure other peoples abuse was too. but i was dominated and coerced. i was both physicaly and mentally forced into sex.
at this point i am rambling, and using far too many "" and ,,, and ()().
i will try to get into a group situation. i am a bit worried, and after reading more posts, think i may be justified in being worried.
i am scared that i will "allow" a situation where i will be abused again. i am constantly affraid that men will befriend me, just to try to rape me. so that makes getting to know guys a bit harder.
i am reading more about "triggers" as well, and i feel that i may have alot of them. many things, i guess, cause feelings of lonelieness and the need to be dominated.
the feeling that i need to be held and hugged, and ultimatly, if i follow the fantasy out to the end, get raped (oraly or analy it doesnt really matter. i just worry/fantasize about that alot)
my abuse was very twisted, as im sure other peoples abuse was too. but i was dominated and coerced. i was both physicaly and mentally forced into sex.
at this point i am rambling, and using far too many "" and ,,, and ()().
Grayson,
I know the feeling, mine was over four years ago and I still can't be in a room with just guys, not unless I'm near the exit or at least have a good escape route planned out. I know what you're talking about regarding following through on that fantasy too, I've done that more times than I care to remember. You're not alone here.
And by the way, you should listen to these guys, they know what they're talking about. When you say you're scared that you'll "allow" a situation where you'll be abused again... I was so hung up on that too, I felt like I allowed it to happen in the first place, or I caused it. But after only a few weeks of trying to drill it into my thick head I'm starting to believe that I didn't allow anything to happen. The guys who hurt me, they're the ones who need to get all the blame, not me. Hopefully... eventually... you'll believe that too.
I'm still overly paranoid and always thinking "what's the motive" when I'm trying to relate with other guys too. I've only had a couple of sessions of therapy and I didn't like being in a room w/a closed door with only one other guy, so it didn't work for me... but then again I didn't cooperate much either.
So bascially I just force myself to swallow all that paranoia... little by little I'm finding out that not everyone has a motive or wants to hurt me.
Hope this helped...
Jay
I know the feeling, mine was over four years ago and I still can't be in a room with just guys, not unless I'm near the exit or at least have a good escape route planned out. I know what you're talking about regarding following through on that fantasy too, I've done that more times than I care to remember. You're not alone here.
And by the way, you should listen to these guys, they know what they're talking about. When you say you're scared that you'll "allow" a situation where you'll be abused again... I was so hung up on that too, I felt like I allowed it to happen in the first place, or I caused it. But after only a few weeks of trying to drill it into my thick head I'm starting to believe that I didn't allow anything to happen. The guys who hurt me, they're the ones who need to get all the blame, not me. Hopefully... eventually... you'll believe that too.
I'm still overly paranoid and always thinking "what's the motive" when I'm trying to relate with other guys too. I've only had a couple of sessions of therapy and I didn't like being in a room w/a closed door with only one other guy, so it didn't work for me... but then again I didn't cooperate much either.
So bascially I just force myself to swallow all that paranoia... little by little I'm finding out that not everyone has a motive or wants to hurt me.
Hope this helped...
Jay
Grayson,
I am also new here as well. First of all I am so sorry that you had to go through whatever happened to you in the first place. No person or animal should be abused in any way. Secondly, I am so glad to be able to know that I am not a freak and that others feel the same way that I do. My abuse was done by my father years ago while I was in grade school and occurred almost on a daily basis for several years. My mother knew about it but didn't do a damn thing to protect me. I grew up in constant fear, unable to trust or get close to anyone. I had stomach ulcers and panic attack when I was in the 3rd and 5th grades. Alot of that still carries over today, many years since the abuse happened and is something that is very hard to get rid of. It is like instinct for me. I, like you have found it very hard to post on the site as well as make friends with other guys because there continues to be a deep down feeling that I will be abused or ridiculed again. I have been going to therapy for the past 2-1/2 years and even though some other things are improving (although my wife thinks that I should be completely over all of this because 'it was done in the past and is time to move on') I still fear being around and socializing with other people, especially males.
Sorry about the rambling, I am just glad to see someone feels the same way I do.
lol, SJ
I am also new here as well. First of all I am so sorry that you had to go through whatever happened to you in the first place. No person or animal should be abused in any way. Secondly, I am so glad to be able to know that I am not a freak and that others feel the same way that I do. My abuse was done by my father years ago while I was in grade school and occurred almost on a daily basis for several years. My mother knew about it but didn't do a damn thing to protect me. I grew up in constant fear, unable to trust or get close to anyone. I had stomach ulcers and panic attack when I was in the 3rd and 5th grades. Alot of that still carries over today, many years since the abuse happened and is something that is very hard to get rid of. It is like instinct for me. I, like you have found it very hard to post on the site as well as make friends with other guys because there continues to be a deep down feeling that I will be abused or ridiculed again. I have been going to therapy for the past 2-1/2 years and even though some other things are improving (although my wife thinks that I should be completely over all of this because 'it was done in the past and is time to move on') I still fear being around and socializing with other people, especially males.
Sorry about the rambling, I am just glad to see someone feels the same way I do.
lol, SJ
I was abused from the time I was about one. I'm sixty one now, and I'm just starting to trust males because I trust the guys on this site. Welcome to all of you new guys. It's a good place. The men here can be trusted, and it's never too late to understand that some men really can be. Bobby