children of god
victor-victim
Registrant
went to see this play called "children of god" a few weeks ago.
i knew it was a bad idea, but i thought i could handle it.
i was wrong.
i fell apart.
have not recovered.
just when you think you got it all under control, the beast escapes from the cage, the genie leaves the bottle, the monster breaks his shackles.
it may have something to do with the wave of deaths i have had to endure lately.
just in the last few years, i have been losing friends, family and associates in staggering numbers.
dozens. sometimes several per month.
i have not had time to mourn the many tragedies. numb from all the pain.
starting to wonder if i can cry anymore, except i burst into tears.
joy and love and prayer seem like lost arts to me.
my faith is still strong, yet i feel utterly alone.
death is very confusing. i feel chronic psychic pain.
is this just self-pity? or do i genuinely care about these people?
every time someone i care about dies, a piece of me is lost forever.
all the memories we shared can no longer be shared.
maybe i am too old, or i just have too many friends.
but every one of them matters to me.
it hurts to see them suffer, am i being selfish if i can't let them all go?
all those moments and years of intimacy and bonding in foxholes and trenches,
the adventures, travels, journeys, tours, projects.
to what end?
i feel anxiety and doom, like my time is almost up and death is lurking.
none of my usual coping tactics are working.
it helps to write this and share it with you all.
it always comes back to my CSA and PTSD when i am stressed or depressed.
i wish that was not such an integral part of my core personality.
i resent the presence of the predator in my cellar. when will i ever be truly free?
when i die?
i knew it was a bad idea, but i thought i could handle it.
i was wrong.
i fell apart.
have not recovered.
just when you think you got it all under control, the beast escapes from the cage, the genie leaves the bottle, the monster breaks his shackles.
it may have something to do with the wave of deaths i have had to endure lately.
just in the last few years, i have been losing friends, family and associates in staggering numbers.
dozens. sometimes several per month.
i have not had time to mourn the many tragedies. numb from all the pain.
starting to wonder if i can cry anymore, except i burst into tears.
joy and love and prayer seem like lost arts to me.
my faith is still strong, yet i feel utterly alone.
death is very confusing. i feel chronic psychic pain.
is this just self-pity? or do i genuinely care about these people?
every time someone i care about dies, a piece of me is lost forever.
all the memories we shared can no longer be shared.
maybe i am too old, or i just have too many friends.
but every one of them matters to me.
it hurts to see them suffer, am i being selfish if i can't let them all go?
all those moments and years of intimacy and bonding in foxholes and trenches,
the adventures, travels, journeys, tours, projects.
to what end?
i feel anxiety and doom, like my time is almost up and death is lurking.
none of my usual coping tactics are working.
it helps to write this and share it with you all.
it always comes back to my CSA and PTSD when i am stressed or depressed.
i wish that was not such an integral part of my core personality.
i resent the presence of the predator in my cellar. when will i ever be truly free?
when i die?