children of god


went to see this play called "children of god" a few weeks ago.
i knew it was a bad idea, but i thought i could handle it.
i was wrong.
i fell apart.
have not recovered.
just when you think you got it all under control, the beast escapes from the cage, the genie leaves the bottle, the monster breaks his shackles.
it may have something to do with the wave of deaths i have had to endure lately.
just in the last few years, i have been losing friends, family and associates in staggering numbers.
dozens. sometimes several per month.
i have not had time to mourn the many tragedies. numb from all the pain.
starting to wonder if i can cry anymore, except i burst into tears.
joy and love and prayer seem like lost arts to me.
my faith is still strong, yet i feel utterly alone.
death is very confusing. i feel chronic psychic pain.
is this just self-pity? or do i genuinely care about these people?
every time someone i care about dies, a piece of me is lost forever.
all the memories we shared can no longer be shared.
maybe i am too old, or i just have too many friends.
but every one of them matters to me.
it hurts to see them suffer, am i being selfish if i can't let them all go?
all those moments and years of intimacy and bonding in foxholes and trenches,
the adventures, travels, journeys, tours, projects.
to what end?
i feel anxiety and doom, like my time is almost up and death is lurking.
none of my usual coping tactics are working.
it helps to write this and share it with you all.
it always comes back to my CSA and PTSD when i am stressed or depressed.
i wish that was not such an integral part of my core personality.
i resent the presence of the predator in my cellar. when will i ever be truly free?
when i die?

Jacob S

just looked up that play. It looks really intense.

I'm sorry you've lost so much.

It's ok to mourn. It's ok to grieve. It sounds to me like you do care about them. Just because you hurt doesn't mean you didn't care. Both things are real and valid and ok.

Things don't last forever, but they have meaning because they mean something to us.

Don't do anything rash. I know things hurt. But you've felt better and I believe you can again.


too late, jacob, the rash has already happened. i will get through this. i am just worried about what is on the other side, once i am through. like that time i went right through a glass window. i was very lucky not to get any stitches.
@victor-victim We know your pain, in fact, I'm your age I feel time running out, I have bouts of body pain no one can cure and I feel at times that I have lost but I get hope here and I don't feel alone here please keep reaching out. YOU ARE NOT ALONE
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Evicting the perpetrator had a similar effect on me in '15. The strength of your character is a light that brings hope to our community. Your dedication & hard work live on in the lasting impression you've made on your brothers in arms (keyboards).

I heard recently it's ok not to be ok but it's not ok not to let someone know. Your helpful poetry & posts helped me get back to being ok...I'm hopeful you'll make that reset also...setbacks are tough...u got this & we're here for u man.


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You're actually a pretty young whipper-snapper but that doesn't diminish the challenge of grieving multiple losses. Yes, confronting death through the passing of folks we care about invariably draws us to questions about our own mortality and the "meaning" of our lives. It is a rare survivor who doesn't look at the impact of that experience on how we've lived our lives. I grieve often over the losses that came about simply because I was too frightened to simply embrace life. Is this the best I'll ever have, or is it possible through healing work around the trauma to claim my aliveness? It seems you're sharing as episode in which you've been triggered but it also appears from your comments and from the amount of time you've spent on this website that you have the resources to recover. Whether you are able to embrace your aliveness is a question only you can answer. That seems to be a lifetime venture for most of us. No doubt finding some freedom from the residue of the trauma is at the heart of claiming our aliveness. I wish us all well in finding that freedom.


i love all this positive feedback and words of encouragement. it makes a difference. doing damage control and repairs. still not over the hump but i will be better. just have to let these things run their course. i have learned over time to let the feelings flow through me, rather than try to swim upstream or splash around wasting energy struggling to keep my head above water. i must flourish or flounder. it is often safer to relax, forget about flailing and fighting the current, and focus instead on floating. i prefer to practice patience and peace over panic and pessimism, whenever i can manage, however difficult. i use many mantras to maintain my equilibrium. life is a balancing act. i must perfect my performance or plummet. it can be easy to forget which way is up, when i'm going sideways. if i reach the edge of a cliff, forwards might not be my best option. i must fly or fall. anyway, thank you for responding, Visitor, Strangeways, oic, F.A. and Tom E. much appreciation and gratitude. you have improved my attitude.
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