children and sexual abuse

children and sexual abuse
T

toni

Registrant
I am a child advocate and have a new client that is 6 yrs old and was sexually abused at 3 yrs old. What can I look for and do for him?
He was seen by the YWCA for some councling but his family is very poor. The mother does not live with him. She is a drug addict on the beach. The father and grandmother take care of him and his siblings but they were both abused in their youth. They love the children and want to help him because he is now showing signs of anger such as trying to shove his sister down the stairs.I would appreciate some input from those who know how he feels.Thank-you
 
MAY TRIGGER*****TRIGGER WARNING*****MAY TRIGGER

Toni - A child that young will definitely exhibit anger in the ways you are describing. The memories are most likely in the primitive section of the brain (amygdala nucleus) which memories come out as actions. These actions are impulsive and pain producing. Others can definitely get hurt. They probably demonstrate depression which will look like agitation, hyperactivity or withdrawn. NOTE: these symptoms may be misdiagnosed in a school age child as ADHD but this etiology will be emotional. In some cases they may be self-injurious (use knives or caustic solutions). Those at this age usually require intensive, concentrated interventions from a therapist trained/familiar with sexually abused kids. I know this is a really, really brief sketch and is not at all conclusive. The therapist needs to have some training in art therapy and sexual abuse. There are many excellent books out on this subject. Additional concerns are with the ability of parents with sexual abuse backgrounds (usually untreated) to care for the child's needs. My experience is the child pushes buttons in the parent raising feelings and memories the parent personally is not ready to handle. This may open a love-hate relationship which can emotionally damage the individuals and tear apart the family functioning. Resolution? Is there a Victim's Assistant Network in your area? Is there a NOVA Agency? Would the county or state MH/MR have resources? Usually Children/Youth county aggencies have a unit specializing in treating young victims? The question you ask is a long, involved question. There is so much more information. You may want to PM me on this site.
Please feel free to ask for help!!

Howard
 
he should probably be refered to a child psychologist who has experience in dealing with sexually abused kids.
 
CSA, at such a young age is very distressing and also very painful to a kid.

He will show anger because he cannot understand why grown ups can hurt him, as his mind is not in any way equipped to deal with it.

He will probably think that he did something very wrong to be hurt this way, and we will not understand it at all.

He needs specialist help, and possibly a really good play counsellor, who can see how his mind is taking it, through playing and painting etc.

I hope he can find the help through you, but he sure is going to need it, because as Howard says, they can be misdiagnosed like ADHD, Aspergers etc.

ste
 
Thank you for all the information both of you have given me.It is a lot to absorbe.I'm just starting to be involved with this little boy. We live on a small island Kauai, and some of the resorces are a little slow hear. I will start working with him on a one to one relationship this week. I will be trying to be a friend and big sister to him until I can assess him better. My plan is to first,give him a soft place that is non-threatining. And will then call resorces needed as his reactions are shown to me. Again, thank you very much for the input and information. I'm sure you'll hear from me again.
 
A Child Advocate, the world could use a lot more like you!! Thanks for helping the kids.

I would like to reiterate the advice given above. The boy needs professional help and the sooner the better. Children who work with a therapist early on are much less likely to carry the burden of what has been done to them into adolescence and adulthood. Since he is only six, intervention with a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse is crucial, now. He could be spared years of agony, acting out, problems in school, at home, even in sessions with you. Please see to it that a therapist is contacted immediately. Oftentimes, when resources are scarce there are long waiting lists. Try to make an appointment now before this sinks deeper into his soul and psyche. I wish you and the boy the best in getting this handled promptly and properly. Peace - John
 
Have thought about what all of you have said and I have started the ball rolling getting him some councling. I have set it up to get myself into some training also. My client has started to say some sexual things to me which means he's trusting me enough to open up a little, little bit. That was my opening. He is for sure showing rage and anger. He has 3 sisters younger than him and we do not want him to start with them. Unfortunatly that would be the only way he could take back some of his power. We are on it and want him to be a whole young man.I do not really understand why a person would do that to a child.
Again I ask...Why? Could you guys help me to understand. And tell what, besides being his friend and a safe person do besides the professional stuff. Thanks to everyone for helping me understand.
 
For the trust part take it slow as hell my gf is reabilitating my dating abiliteis and otherthings like actualy like and feeling more than I ahve had in awhile not just sex. She is doing it bye saying things are ok alot. For me I did not get angry I just got lost way lost I mean gone but over time I have slowly come back. for thw controll thingy if he can ply video games that allow him to be in controll or if does various other things like help people that can help I speak from experiance helpiong poeple has always made me feel that much better.

(Sry for the spelling errors)
Also here is a link to my topic on how my wonderfull gf is helping me check every here and there I will be posting updates on how she helped me.
https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=005577

Also talk to ScottyTodd I know he has posted once but he can help alot he has helped me alot and I thank him for that.
ps. I am 16
 
Hi Toni,

Don't underestimate the power of being a friend and a safe person. It sounds as if this boy could really use some happy, stable, compassionate adults around him-- just being there, being friendly and trustworthy, accepting him, modeling healthy behavior and boundaries. It's sort of a passive way to help-- I mean it can feel like you're not "doing" a lot-- but it's really so important.

I am a little concerned that you say:
He has 3 sisters younger than him and we do not want him to start with them. Unfortunatly that would be the only way he could take back some of his power.
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I could be reading this wrong, but I hope that you're not assuming that just because this boy was sexually abused or is showing anger that he will go on to sexually abuse others. You might want to take a look at these articles on this site:
Myths and facts about male sexual victimization

Also, there are lots of healthy ways that even a child this young can take back some control and power. How about sports? He might be too young (or out of control) for team sports, but he could do martial arts, maybe, or swimming-- something where he could compete with himself and gain some mastery over his own body. Can he read/write yet? He could start a journal, even if it's mostly pictures and a sentence or two, or he can make up and illustrate stories and you could write the words for him.

Best of luck,
SAR
 
Toni

Again I ask...Why? Could you guys help me to understand.
Click to expand...
I wish I had an answer, I really do. If we had an answer 'maybe' we could help the survivors more?

I have no experience of such young survivors, but I think you're doing all the right things so far.
Give him a safe place, give him love, and gently steer him back to being a 6yo again. Whatever professional help you can get - or learn yourself - then go for it.

Thanks for caring for him, guys like us appreciate it.

Dave
 
I believe that my SA started at the age of, or before 3, it is hard to say since I have no recollection of it. I remember from my first memories of life feeling abondened, terrified, not excepted, and never trusting anyone totally. Everyone who has gone through SA has, or has had, problems with trust. Every human has the need to be accepted for who they are, especially children, and even more so with those that have suffered any form of abuse. I would say that besides getting him professional help the best thing you can do for him is give him unconditional acceptance. No matter what he does he must know that he can trust you, and that you won't make him feel like a bad person if he does something wrong. I know that is all I ever wanted.
 
You men and boys are truely amazing people!!!!
To have survived against all the odds is truely a miracle. Then to sit and give advice to others makes you all special more than you know. As we say in Hawaii Mahalo (thank- you) for your support. I look forward to your advice.

To Sar. He has tried to take his power back in ways of violence to his sister. He was caught with a knife to his sisters throat. And unfortunatly it is true that there is a possibility of acts against his sisters. It will not always happen BUT, I don't want my beautiful baby boy to fall into that. It is my job to make sure there is no possibilty of that happening. Is there a one in a million chance? I'm not willing to give that 1. But thank you and I am willing to listen to anything.
 
Toni - The anger and feeling unemppowered is a part of the symptoms but, there is a need to model for the young guy some healthy ways to express it. How? Glad you asked!! I usually mirror back the anger the child is feeling..."I would be angry too! and probably hit the guy right in the nose!" etc. [ I let the child feel empathy; let them know that the anger is okay (because I just got angry WITH you and I am okay) and it is okay to be angry (permission); if you hit, hit the sand, the pillow, yell the perps name (object soft)...reassure him when he gets angry he's safe because you are there; let the child know he can be angry at who hurt him...direct your own anger toward the perp! He can draw pictures of feelings; he can bend straws; he can use playdough to pull, hit, knead...]. You will make anger not a bad thing; and let him know he is not bad for being angry, in very concrete ways. The 6 year old is concrete and needs real concrete, hands on methods for redirecting his anger. If you need more, just PM me. IJUST READ YOUR POST ABOUT THE KNIFE. He could be a danger IF he can not talk about or express in ways effective for him, the anger, hurt, pain, confusion, betrayal...inside. My rule of thumb is: If you don't talk it out (express artistically, play out) then you'll act it out (knife to the throat; not as much to do it but to make a very, loud gesture! Concern: accidents do happen, slips and unintended movements with a knife in your hand (?)!

Howard
 
@toni thx for the compliments I think it helps some of us to see that ther people have dealt with it and got through it nand it gives a sense of being and good feeling when we help people. IF you ever have any questions that you want a teen boys point of veiw on pm me.
 
Hi gentlemen,
I've been working hard with my boy and have not had a chance to write to all of you. My boy is doing well these days. He appears to be doing better but we all know thats not nessarily true. I have tried to get him into some self defence classes to build his self esteem and self confidence but he wasn't really interrested in them. He is a small boy (fillipino). So I'm in search of something to build him up. Hard because he's 6 yrs old. I wish all of you so much good because you help others with questions.I will not disappear from this because I'm sure I'll have more to talk to you about. Have patience with me if you do not hear from me for short periods of time. Again....thank you, all of you.
 
Toni,

I am no expert but what healthy male role models does he have? You mentioned his father at first. Does his Dad get involved in any way with the boy's healing?

Are there energetic activities where he can "burn off" some anger without threatening someone else?

I'm not familiar with the island folklore and legends but is there something from his Filipino ancestry which might inspire him, show him the good side of people and foster pride in who he is, where he comes from?

I think it's wonderful that you are working this way to help him. People like you will restore his faith in human goodness.

Thanks,

Joe
 
I agree with Outis, most 6year olds are crazy with energy. Martial Arts might be something to look into, it builds self confidence, strength and many other things. Most sports do but maybe because of the Fillipinl Heritage (sp?) it might be something to look into.
 
I keep trying to find something to intrest him, so far nothing. He is a small boy for his age (given watered down milk when young)The real father is ice user, so is real mother. He stayes with the father of his 3 sisters. He tries but he is himself a second generation survior of sexual abuse who has never had therapy. If i press maybe I can find something he might take to.He is small for a lot of sports
 
Hi Toni - Thanks for keeping up the good work. I'm sure it must be frustrating from time to time, but stick it out. This boy will forever remember the good people in his life.

When you say 'ice user' I assume you mean meth. Why then would the boy be staying with someone who is a known user of illegal substances? That sounds like an unsafe environment. Or, after reading your message again, maybe there are two fathers involved?

Anyway, here are some ideas for the little guy to keep himself busy, expend some energy and grow at the same time:

Six year olds are forever curious. Hiking and learning about the trees and plants and birds along the way could be a great source of enjoyment and exercise a few days a week.

Are their any farms nearby? Or zoos, especially petting zoos? Maybe he could not only enjoy and learn about the animals but he could help out around the place. There he would learn about the loving nature of animals and the people that work with them and gain some self-worth at the same time.

Take him to the library, encourage reading. There is a whole new world in every book. Reviewing his choices prior to his reading them would be a good idea, look for triggers or reminders of his abuse to weed those out. Having his own library card would give him a feeling of responsibility too.

Maybe get him a second hand camera, photography has been a great outlet for me. He could take photos while on hikes or of animals while at the farm or zoo. He could observe kids at the park or adults and children enjoying healthy interaction. He could put all of his photos in an album, sort of a treasure chest.

At six he is old enough to begin to learn to play an instrument. Music and dancing can be creative and freeing. And learning to play a song would give him a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. Music and musical instruments are often used as a form of therapy.

My daughter is fascinated by gems and rocks and stones and shells and fossils. Hawaii must be loaded with such things. He could start a collection, look up different rocks, gems, etc. in an encyclopedia with you and you'll both learn something new.

All of these suggestions are relatively free of cost, some place that charge money, like zoos, often will donate a membership to a child in need. Or a music teacher might be willing to provide free lessons once or twice a week. If I think of more, I will let you know. But none of these require that he be a child of any particular size and all of them have rewards that the boy will enjoy while he's doing them and for a long time thereafter.

I hope this has been of some help. Give him and yourself a hug from me. Peace - John
 
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