Childhood abuse effecting my current relationship

[AJG]

Hello,

Just wanted to see if anyone is having the same issues as I am.

I have been in a 4 year relationship with my bf, since dating we have slowly been having sex less and less. He says that I sometimes act like my perpetrator and other times I act like I want to be a victim while having sex. My partner finds it creepy and does not really want to have sex with me anymore until I figure it out and get some help.

I have had other partners tell me that I was overly sexed, aggressive and or a sex addict.

I am noticing that I keep having similar problems with my relationships that end up having problems as a result of my childhood sexual abuse.

I was sexually abused by an older cousin as far as I can remember from the age of 7 or 8 till I was about 15 or 16.

It was never violent or forced, it was more about mind control and he getting me to believe that if I told we or I would get into trouble etc. and I was I was not to tell.

I was very ashamed of this growing up and often felt pressured to have sex with him when he wanted it. As I got older I made a point to not hangout with this cousin and finally stopped it around the age I mentioned earlier.

Again, this is now affecting my love life with my partner and past partners. My partner also says that when we have sex its like I am performing or trying to please my abuser... etc.

I feel bad about all of this, and at the same time I am having trouble with figuring out how I would correct this and make things somewhat better.

Does anyone have this problem or can they relate or offer some help?

Thank you,

AJG

 

[Rustam]

Hi AJG,

First off welcome to the site,

I am in a long-term relationship, my reaction to the abuse around sex is somewhat different. I am more frightened and try to avoid sex I sort of go away during sex. I relate in that when I have sex, I tend to feel like I am being an abuser or a victim. Its sort of going on automatic pilot and reacting as if I was in an abuse situation. It is causing problems in my relationship (thats a bit of an understatement). It always has no matter whom I have been with; I can have sex sometimes its making love that is difficult. The abuse taught me that sex is not something you do with someone you love. The only thing I know about this with certainty is that the abuse really messed up my ability to have loving sex.

What I am trying to do is get more comfortable being intimate in situations where I feel safer and dont go on automatic, like in pubs, fully clothed etc. In that way my partner and I can have physical affection that is an expression of love. He keeps reminding me that he needs to be touched and loved. Other affects of the abuse have gotten better, so I am hoping that this can change too, but it really hasnt yet, but then it is an issue I have avoided so far.

I guess we learned about sex in a terrible way and we need to learn about making love.

Rustam.

 

[Mike Church]

AJG welcome to our home. I am sory for the reason that you are here but am glad that you have found us.

The abuse at the hands of your cousin was the worst thing that has every happened to you bar none. You are like us all. It affects absolutely every facet of our lives both on the surface and below. You were sexualized at an early age and had no time to discover it on your own and develop your own set of beliefs. You were told you would get into trouble if you told. Ergo sex is bad bad bad. Perps are really good at programming us to keep us quiet. No damned wonder you are confused.

I strongly recommend that you get into therapy to help you get through the maze that has been created by your cousin. More like a minefield in your mind.

Here are some good url's to help you
https://www.malesurvivor.org/Resource%20Directory/index.htm

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer1.htm

 

[AJG]

Hi Mikey,

Thank you for the links, I am currently seeing a therapist, I am in the process of also trying to join a group for male sexual abuse survivors in Boston etc.

I did get some initial counseling in college back in the 90's, it helped me a lot at the time. I am now older and finding certain patterns to keep coming up with my partners telling me I have unresolved issues with my sexualality and the way I approach sex, as a result of my former sexual abuse.

I tend to want sex all the time and find it diffucult to not be thinking about sex all day long. When I try to be intimate with my partner I tend to turn everything into sex, even a massage or just touching. Because I have done this so much with him, I have created a viscious cycle, that has been hard to break. He doesn't even want me to touch him much now or give him a massage because he thinks I will turn it into sex.

Also when we have sex he says I am not being genuine or I am trying to hard to please him or I am performing and he finds it creepy.

I am lucky that my partner has stuck around and is willing to be there while I get help. I do still find it hard though not having sex with him and worrying if he is going to leave me or find sex somewhere else while I am going through therapy getting help.

AJG

 

[Mike Church]

AJG sit down and have a heart to heart talk about this with him. He is with you because he cares. Show him the post and thread. Maybe he can help you break out of this programming.