Child Exploitation Images

Hey Kal

Well, I don't think it will be in my lifetime. I remember too many names of people I worked for and I have a family now


So like many I have often been disturbed by the fact that there are pictures and videos of me out there somewhere.
It makes the abuse feel ongoing.

A while back I read a newspaper article that said that when the police and the FBI find abuse images they send them to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children.
And they will send a notice every time they find your images online or in an arrest. I think I would feel better knowing for sure if my images are being used.

This started me on a quixotic quest over the last few months.

They have millions of images. And they have teams of experts and computer facial recognition to figure out who is in the images. So they can help the victim and arrest the perps.
You would think that they would have a way to submit your name and pictures of when you were a boy so they can match them with the millions images they already have.They do not.

I have tried to contact them from their website in the past and never heard much back.

So I looked up the article I had read and found the contact information for the reporter on the newspapers website.
So I emailed him and thanked him for the article and asked if he knew if there was a way to be included in their image search.

He emailed me back right away. And said that he didn't but he had the contact information for the Vice President of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.
So I emailed the V.P. and said that ...(the national reporter) gave me his contact information. He responded the next day.
Here is what he wrote regarding the images:

"Honestly, I think it’s very unlikely that they are in circulation online. I say that given the period in time it was created (80's) and the quality of images/videos today vs back then. Most of the material created in that era is not being seen/traded online today."

But he said to be certain I should send them some images of myself around the time of the abuse and they would check. So I immediately sent them. He sent them to the Director of Case Services and they scheduled a phone call with me to review everything for two weeks later.
So the Director of Case Services and the person over finding who is in the pictures called me. They interviewed me for about 30 minutes. Asking me to relate everything I remember about the images. They were very reassuring, and also wanted to know about therapy and what has helped because they were responsible for setting up programs for the victims.

But.......they wouldn't tell me what they found in their search. They said they are required to relay the information through a Sexual Crimes Detective or someone in person who has training to deal with this sort of thing. And they needed my permission to find someone in my area and to share what if anything they found with them so that they could meet with me to decide on my options. I am still waiting to find out the results. It has taken a huge toll on me emotionally.

After I see how it turns out for me I am going to ask them if there is an email or way that others who have been abused can get included in their database if they want.
You shouldn't have to get a big time reporter involved to get included.

I will everyone updated as soon as I find anything out.

Hi Toad, I feel for you... I understand where you are coming from. It's a huge toll constantly for me as well. My abuse is never ending knowing that there are disgusting pictures of me from 7-10 years old naked, performing despicable sexual acts on my abuser and others involved out there. And other images of him doing horrible things to me. I really don't know what became of them when my abuser was alive and even after be died. It would at the very least comfort me to know there status. Hopefully they were destroyed but I may never know, I understand that it's unrealistic to believe that I have a shot at finding out but I appreciate you suffering through the process for all of us to try at least. If we can handle that battle. Mine were all Polaroids from the early to late 70's... Which is no comfort to me. If they still exist they could have easily ended up scanned, posted god knows where and viewed by other horrible monsters that get off on child sexual abuse. But I think I have to at least try and figure it out so I can hopefully close that extremely painful door as much as I can. I wish you all the best in your recovery.
Take care
Hey Mss65

Mss65 said:
I appreciate your suffering through the process for all of us to try at least.
I also appreciate Toad sharing his journey. It takes a lot of balls and determination to go through all that. I don't know if I'm wrong or right but I've mentioned before that the people who controlled my life are not the people who I would want to fool around with. Even though the names that I know never lived to collect social security I have learned that sometimes it's better to keep my mouth shut and just try and deal with my shit with a therapist. I don't want to become a statistic even though what happened to me ended in '75. I had left the world I knew without saying goodbye to anyone. I moved to a community north of NYC where nobody knew me and till today most still don't know my history. Even my wife who I married in '77 never knew anything about me before I walked away from the life in '75. She only first knew something was wrong when I had a breakdown on January 4, 2011 when I accidentally walked through my old haunts. Now she only knows that my childhood only existed pleasure men in a bed and to take photos and make movies. I have never mentioned names and I never will and I hope that my kids and their kids will live normal lives. I am spending a lot of time documenting my past for my timeline. Still, I won't mention names or places. But I will leave it all to my kids who know nothing about my past (I assume).

I just thought that I had to throw kudos Toad's way because of what he is trying to do. I think that whoever can follow his lead and learn from what he has accomplished so far should go after their perps and not let them live comfortably with their doings.

With regard to old pictures, I have to disagree with the idea that old pics or not out there.
Back in the time before digital and the net porn was made with film, developed, and then either sold or passed around. B&W pics could be developed in a basement darkroom. That is what boyfriend's sister in the basement of their parent's home. My foster parents lived on Long Island, NY. My case goes back to the late '50s and '60s. I know that my pics are out there. Some were easy to get out into circulation and eventually out onto the net because they were in boy magazines and those magazine companies resold them. I had seen my pics in the boy magazines in the early '60s. those magazines were sold in Manhattan's newsstands. All out in the open and legal. The city-owned newsstand that I was near is still there (6th ave & 3rd st) across the street from the McDonald's. Four of us kids were living in an apartment in the village (Greenwich village), two children turned tricks on the street, and then me and my boyfriend who were brought to johns. Those kids were already working there when I got there when I was 10-1/2. The two street kids were my age and my boyfriend was a year younger than me.

I found out that some pictures taken of me were in a certain magazine that month. So my boyfriend (in the village) and I went to buy that magazine at the newsstand around the corner from our apartment. The guy who ran the newsstand at that time didn't want to sell it to us because we were too young to see those magazines. But I told him that I was in the magazine and showed him my picture, so he let me take the magazine. I showed him that I wasn't too young to have my picture in there so I should be able to at least look at me.

There is a customer for everything just like in a grocery. Some animals like little girls some like big little girls. The same with boys. Some like babies, some like toddlers, some like kids younger than 10 some like pre-pubescent some like a pre-teen and some like teens. Some like bondage some like rape some like any type of abuse. Some just want to fuck the life out of a child. Finally, some like to watch a movie of a couple of animals killing and 8-year-old boy in front of another 14-year-old teen who was blamed that it was all his fault. That 14-year-old kid who is now a man is still suffering from that and because of that has tried to kill himself twice. Once after the event in November 1965 and once again only 3 months after starting therapy in March 2012.

The net is basically a grocery and you can find in that grocery whatever turns an animal on. Sometimes you have to walk to the back of the store to find what you want or even go down in the basement if it's not on the shelves. When the boy magazines became illegal to sell from the newsstands in the late '60s they went under the counter. But still, no problem getting them.

I have found pics of myself from the '60s on so-called naturist sites and other neutral sites. Nothing bad unless you call taking pictures of naked children porn. Being naked in pictures doesn't bother me but I'm 100% sure that all the other pics of me that are not nice and are 100% porn are someplace on the net, someplace in that grocery, most likely in the basement. Like my T mentioned to me when I started with him in 2012, "don't go looking for them". They won't be good for my head and there could be problems looking on sites in the deep or dark web. I agree with him. I almost died not long after we started therapy together. In that session, I had mentioned to him about the snuff movie. The pictures that I possess are not porn in any way or at least 90% aren't. I estimate that there had to be over 20,000 pics of me taken from the time I was 8 in '59 until I took off at age 24 in '75. Most taken before I went into the USAF in '69. You would be surprised at what's out there from the '60s. There is also a section for vintage pics to be shown. Again, the grocery analogy. There is something for everyone in the grocery.

Maybe the polaroid pictures weren't the greatest and maybe they are grainy but there is always someone, some animal to want to look at them. But I see B&W pics take of me in class pics and ones of me taken by photogs at 3 taken in the '50s and they are of very high quality and not at all grainy. The pictures I took with my personal camera of me and my friend in the USAF in '70-'71 are grainy. But that all came down to the camera. I have DVDs of WWII battles using color film and they are not grainy at all. I have a couple of color porn pics of me and my boyfriend Lanny taken when we were 12 and the color is perfect and the photo is not grainy.

(The US marines in WWII took all their own battle footage using color film.)

I don't think that the number of pictures taken back then can compare with the number of pictures taken today. You can take in a month what you needed a decade to do in the '60s. But there will be someone willing to scan those old pics into a computer and put it into the grocery.

I am a believer in snuff films also. I am sure that I was in one where an 8-year-old boy was murdered. Either purposefully or by accident but he died and I'm sure there would be people who would want to buy that film today. I don't believe when the police departments, FBI or whoever says that they don't exist. The way kids, and me, were treated while we were forced to act in movies where children were hurt physically, sexually, and mentally in the most horrendous of sick ways is a recipe for death.


I also appreciate Toad sharing his journey. It takes a lot of balls and determination to go through all that

I am a believer in snuff films also. I am sure that I was in one where an 8-year-old boy was murdered. Either purposefully or by accident but he died and I'm sure there would be people who would want to buy that film today.

I don't believe when the police departments, FBI or whoever says that they don't exist.

I didn't want to bring this up as I didn't want to trigger you.
Recently we were posting about Finland and if their being more open about nudity in society would lead to more or less abuse.
I tried to find statistics on abuse in Finland but didn't find much in English. But did run across and article about a pornography ring.

A boy dies on one of the films they found when they arrested them. It appeared that they didn't make it but was in the porn they traded for.

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Hey Toad

Yeah, I remember the drugs and not being able to do anything while I was raped. I had booze poured in my rear to be drunk when it came out. Had beer shot into my rear and then shot out of my rear for someone to drink on the fly. Had bags of Hershey's Kisses shoved up my rear left to melt and then licked up by party-goers as it came out after it melted. I remember that boy very vividly and me praying that they would stop beating him. I remember party-goers tying my hands up behind my back and the same with a second child. Then tieing my right ankle to his left ankle and the same with my left ankle to his right ankle. Then tieing my genitals to the other kid's genitals. There were 3 other pairs of children tied up the same way. Then the party-goers would bet who would win the race by being able to crawl to the opposite wall. I was 10 when I was taken to my first party. I remember the blood around our genitals and finally being in one of those races hearing a child's blood-curdling scream as someone yelled that the "kid's bag was ripped open". No problem, there were enough doctors and other professionals at that party to fix the kid up as good as new. I saw this as a preteen. I participated as a preteen. How far away is this shit from just killing the child. All of it on film which is today most probably on someone's computer.

This sick shit still goes on here in America. There is a book that came out called the "Mafia and the Gays". It takes place in the '60s and talks about the mafia having control of the NYC police department being corrupt and the mafia owning the gay bars and any type of skin business, especially child porn in the city. The book names names and talks about the mafia control of the skin business in NYC and Chicago. I grew up during this time. The book talks about the streets where we as kids would hang out. No school for the runaways just all day or night or both full of sex. Even I was promoted in high school every year even though my grades were never good and I'm sure they were doctored. I was in school less than half the amount of days required by law. How did that happen? For the money, there will be someone to make shit like this happen.

I don't think that there is a problem with Finland's social structure on nudity. I think that growing up in a society where nudity is not a "sin" and is an accepted fact that it exists is much better for kids and for adults. There was a huge outcry about Alicia Silverstone when she told of having baths with her 9-year-old son. If it was her 9-year-old daughter would that have been OK? My friend's naturist family was naked all the time and so was I when I was over there house or at their naturist beach club community. Yes, I remember one incident that happened at the beach club with me by some perv but when I was in the village or Manhattan in general as a kid I could not walk outside without someone hitting on me. Wanting to "come up to my apartment for a drink". Shit, I was 10 years old when that was first said to me. If someone grows up in an environment where nudity is OK then there are a lot fewer chances of being abused.

I used to sleep naked as a kid and my mother would always go ape shit on me for it. But she also made me let her give me baths until I was 12 because "I don't know how to clean myself yet". If I got an erection she would slap it down yelling at me for thinking dirty things. Right after every bath which happened at least 3 times a week if I stayed clean she would give me an enema. that was also to clean my dirty mind. I don't know how the enema was to clean my dirty mind or make me not have an erection. It was a "sin" for me to have an erection.

There are porn photos, videos, and snuff videos being made all over the world. There are bad people all over the world. The worst countries are Russia, Ukraine, Romania, and a few other places around there. But I've read a lot lately about India, Pakistan, and Saudia Arabia. It seems to be a problem with oil-rich Arab countries. But America is also a big producer of child porn.

One thing I'm happy about is that a police department finally and openly told about the existence of a snuff video. Why can't people admit that there are snuff movies and videos out there? Can a child be beaten mercilessly but not killed. What is the problem? We see kids being raped and killed. Was there a movie made along with that killing?

I'll stop here with this before it fucks me up.