Hi Toad, I feel for you... I understand where you are coming from. It's a huge toll constantly for me as well. My abuse is never ending knowing that there are disgusting pictures of me from 7-10 years old naked, performing despicable sexual acts on my abuser and others involved out there. And other images of him doing horrible things to me. I really don't know what became of them when my abuser was alive and even after be died. It would at the very least comfort me to know there status. Hopefully they were destroyed but I may never know, I understand that it's unrealistic to believe that I have a shot at finding out but I appreciate you suffering through the process for all of us to try at least. If we can handle that battle. Mine were all Polaroids from the early to late 70's... Which is no comfort to me. If they still exist they could have easily ended up scanned, posted god knows where and viewed by other horrible monsters that get off on child sexual abuse. But I think I have to at least try and figure it out so I can hopefully close that extremely painful door as much as I can. I wish you all the best in your recovery.So like many I have often been disturbed by the fact that there are pictures and videos of me out there somewhere.
It makes the abuse feel ongoing.
A while back I read a newspaper article that said that when the police and the FBI find abuse images they send them to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children.
And they will send a notice every time they find your images online or in an arrest. I think I would feel better knowing for sure if my images are being used.
This started me on a quixotic quest over the last few months.
They have millions of images. And they have teams of experts and computer facial recognition to figure out who is in the images. So they can help the victim and arrest the perps.
You would think that they would have a way to submit your name and pictures of when you were a boy so they can match them with the millions images they already have.They do not.
I have tried to contact them from their website in the past and never heard much back.
So I looked up the article I had read and found the contact information for the reporter on the newspapers website.
So I emailed him and thanked him for the article and asked if he knew if there was a way to be included in their image search.
He emailed me back right away. And said that he didn't but he had the contact information for the Vice President of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.
So I emailed the V.P. and said that ...(the national reporter) gave me his contact information. He responded the next day.
Here is what he wrote regarding the images:
"Honestly, I think it’s very unlikely that they are in circulation online. I say that given the period in time it was created (80's) and the quality of images/videos today vs back then. Most of the material created in that era is not being seen/traded online today."
But he said to be certain I should send them some images of myself around the time of the abuse and they would check. So I immediately sent them. He sent them to the Director of Case Services and they scheduled a phone call with me to review everything for two weeks later.
So the Director of Case Services and the person over finding who is in the pictures called me. They interviewed me for about 30 minutes. Asking me to relate everything I remember about the images. They were very reassuring, and also wanted to know about therapy and what has helped because they were responsible for setting up programs for the victims.
But.......they wouldn't tell me what they found in their search. They said they are required to relay the information through a Sexual Crimes Detective or someone in person who has training to deal with this sort of thing. And they needed my permission to find someone in my area and to share what if anything they found with them so that they could meet with me to decide on my options. I am still waiting to find out the results. It has taken a huge toll on me emotionally.
After I see how it turns out for me I am going to ask them if there is an email or way that others who have been abused can get included in their database if they want.
You shouldn't have to get a big time reporter involved to get included.
I will everyone updated as soon as I find anything out.
I also appreciate Toad sharing his journey. It takes a lot of balls and determination to go through all that. I don't know if I'm wrong or right but I've mentioned before that the people who controlled my life are not the people who I would want to fool around with. Even though the names that I know never lived to collect social security I have learned that sometimes it's better to keep my mouth shut and just try and deal with my shit with a therapist. I don't want to become a statistic even though what happened to me ended in '75. I had left the world I knew without saying goodbye to anyone. I moved to a community north of NYC where nobody knew me and till today most still don't know my history. Even my wife who I married in '77 never knew anything about me before I walked away from the life in '75. She only first knew something was wrong when I had a breakdown on January 4, 2011 when I accidentally walked through my old haunts. Now she only knows that my childhood only existed pleasure men in a bed and to take photos and make movies. I have never mentioned names and I never will and I hope that my kids and their kids will live normal lives. I am spending a lot of time documenting my past for my timeline. Still, I won't mention names or places. But I will leave it all to my kids who know nothing about my past (I assume).Mss65 said:I appreciate your suffering through the process for all of us to try at least.
Thanks.I also appreciate Toad sharing his journey. It takes a lot of balls and determination to go through all that
I am a believer in snuff films also. I am sure that I was in one where an 8-year-old boy was murdered. Either purposefully or by accident but he died and I'm sure there would be people who would want to buy that film today.
I don't believe when the police departments, FBI or whoever says that they don't exist.