Child Exploitation Images


When I submitted my images to NCMEC I hoped to have definitive proof and perhaps go after anyone still using me.
I am glad my images are not online at this point. But my reaction is complicated.
To be put through the making of it and then discarded. Worthless. But I don't want the images out there either. Finding out NCMEC doesn't have me on file wasn't as freeing as I had hoped.

As for Finland and saunas and swimming.
We have so much shame and secrecy around nudity it seems to work to the perpetrators advantage.
Do countries that are more relaxed about nonsexual nudity and family nudity have more or less abuse? I bet it is about the same. Perpetrators will find a way.
But if a bunch of adults and kids are in a sauna together and one is a pedo you would think it would be rather obvious. I don't know just my two cents.
Hey toad

you can find a perp anywhere but I was trying to say that there is no shame with the naked human body. saunas are like a commandment from heaven. People do go every day and companies have showers and saunas for their people. Houses and apartments are automatically built with saunas. There is a much lower percentage of perps there than anywhere else in the world. I grew up in my early years where we went swimming naked also. we never thought of covering up. We ran to the locker room, stripped, and ran out and jumped into the pool. We took showers together and had our bubble fights. But there were no gawkers. the gym teacher would come in to make sure that we're getting out of there and not killing each other.

As for pictures. Were your pictures ever on the net? because if they were then they still are. They get passed from server to server almost as soon as they are posted. Even old pictures of me from the '60s are all over the place on servers like apple or Google. These are not the porn pictures of me but someone took the time to digitize them and then load them up. So if someone had the prints then they also had the porn prints. I'm sure the porn movies are someplace on the deep net and places like that. I've never seen any.


I agree with you about saunas. Kids should be able to swim and go to sauna without people shaming them or worrying too much about perps. It is secrecy and shame perps use, not openness and being comfortable in their own skin.
People are trying to protect kids but the shame doesn't help.
On the other hand all of my naked swimming in the horse tank as a kid meant I was nice and tan all over for their porn.

My pictures were taken in the 80's. And haven't been uploaded so far. They may not have been of great quality and as far as I remember the animal print sheets would look rather dated. You were used by the mob in NYC, mine was just local idiots in the middle of nowhere Texas. So they probably were not great back then and who ever has them now hasn't taken the time to upload them. It sounds like your pictures would fit in now mine wouldn't. But NCMEC has my info and if they are uploaded in the future they will let me know.
Hey Toad

The people who handled me made sure that I was tanned from head to toes also. Yes, I didn't have control over the pictures or movies taken of me. I didn't have control of myself. This was my life. Friends were street kids turning tricks or other kids like me being sold. Porn will always sell. I'm sure that everything that was taken of me is somewhere on the net. The movies were most definitely digitized and are someplace on the deep net. One, unfortunately, involved the death of an 8-year-old boy, I was hanging only 10 feet away from him. I've come across many naked pictures of me on Russian naturist sites. How did I get there? This wasn't porn just bare butt pictures that were also taken for the magazines sold on the Manhattan corner newsstands in the early '60s. The pictures taken in the '60s are as good as any picture taken today. Color porn pictures at that time were developed by organized crime labs. The really horrible stuff didn't start until I was 10. My school attendance and grades were taken care of. I was never left-back, and even missing more than half a school year was also taken care of.

I don't think it bothers me anymore, like it used to, with having my porn pictures on the net. First of all if someone recognizes me they will say nothing to me because wherever you found that picture you shouldn't have been.


I didn't have control of myself
That has been a main feature of my nightmares and flashbacks lately. Having no control. I was very little and one guy was controlling me by my hips and one had a hold of my head and they pulled me back and forth while raping me.
One way down my throat and the other way up my butt.
And I keep having the feeling of not being able to breathe and feeling like I am being split in half between my legs and pulled in half with my head being pulled one way and then my hips being pulled the other and almost passing out and coming back around, with everything spinning. An absolute lack of any control over my body.

Even after it was over for a while I felt so out of it I could hardly think or move. Later that day when finally back with my mom, she thinks my blood sugar must be low I am so out of it. Looking back I wonder if I was drugged in some way or if I was just completely disassociated and checked out.
Hey Toad

Like KAL said but if that dead feeling lasted very long then it sounds like you were drugged.

Not being able to control what was happening to you is a horrible feeling. Quaaludes were a big thing in my day. They were all over the place. Giving a kid just a little cut from the pill would make him just floppy, not able to do anything, and would feel dissociated. That's what Bill Cosby used to take control of his victims. but he gave them a full dose so they just passed out.


floppy, not able to do anything, and would feel dissociated
That pretty much sums up the way it felt.
I couldn't control my body, and they were moving me around controlling everything, doing whatever they wanted. In my dreams I just whimper the whole time. And then being really out of it for a few hours after.

The other thing that always bugged me is that I had clear memories of going to the place, and being there and thinking the animal print sheets were cool and seeing the photography lights and being a bit bored. And then being in the backseat going home with my mom hours later and not knowing what happened but being really out of it.
Not really know what happened in between.

But then I have flashbacks when I get in bright light like that. Or when I see certain animal prints. Or I have nightmares about those thing and they are always the same. All of the missing middle part of that day.


I think you are right and I doubt that was the only time I was drugged. If I was drugged often when it happens my memories make a lot more sense.


I have been wondering if being drugged and being limp makes the raping less physically damaging. Not being able to put up any resistance.
It just bothers me sometimes that if you are 2-5 and being raped that nobody noticed.
And I think drugging me might have helped them avoid detection.

Although, I read an article for pediatricians that said often with boys being raped there isn't much physical evidence except anal redness and perhaps a little tearing for a day or so afterward. But it heals really quickly and little kids are very elastic so pediatricians can't often tell and parents may not know. My parents were busy trying to put food on the table. And they both had hard childhoods that they were still struggling from and were checked out emotionally. They just weren't able to be mentally or physically around all of the time. I am sure they had no idea what was going on. They blamed my nightmares and anxiety on low blood sugar. Not that I was being raped.

I do know that many are physically hurt and even killed. But a for a lot of boys the perps need to be able to take them home without them being hurt too bad to avoid detection.
Hey KAL/Toad

Unless the parents or guardians are selling fresh meat.

Being drugged and limp just lets perps do things they wouldn't do if you were lucid.

Sometimes the parents don't give a shit. After my abduction, it looked like I was run over by a train. I had 6 broken ribs and my face looked like I kissed a truck going 80. I didn't stop bleeding from my ass for over two weeks. When I did go home my mother asked me what happened and I told her I was in a fight. She just called me stupid and then she told me to stay away from fights. that was the end of that. I would just stuff tissues in my ass and always wear the one pair of underpants. I would throw a clean pair into the wash. When I had stopped bleeding I flushed them down the toilet. When I further got a little blood on my underpants she asked me why and I told her I had an itch and scratched it too much so she yelled at me for that. Some parents sell their kids. Toddlers and babies. If I would go to my father he would tell me to go to my mother.
Hey Kal

You went so far you have to try and finish it. It will hurt but afterward, you'll feel better that you did. Unless you're afraid of repercussions. That is one reason I will never come out with names.
Hey Kal

I meant to say that you went so far as connecting up with the NCMEC that you shouldn't give that up once you tried. If It's a problem with ruffling people's feathers that might get you in trouble that might be a reason not to continue. That's why I don't start up because I don't know who has a long memory and who I belonged to.