Child Exploitation Images


So like many I have often been disturbed by the fact that there are pictures and videos of me out there somewhere.
It makes the abuse feel ongoing.

A while back I read a newspaper article that said that when the police and the FBI find abuse images they send them to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children.
And they will send a notice every time they find your images online or in an arrest. I think I would feel better knowing for sure if my images are being used.

This started me on a quixotic quest over the last few months.

They have millions of images. And they have teams of experts and computer facial recognition to figure out who is in the images. So they can help the victim and arrest the perps.
You would think that they would have a way to submit your name and pictures of when you were a boy so they can match them with the millions images they already have.They do not.

I have tried to contact them from their website in the past and never heard much back.

So I looked up the article I had read and found the contact information for the reporter on the newspapers website.
So I emailed him and thanked him for the article and asked if he knew if there was a way to be included in their image search.

He emailed me back right away. And said that he didn't but he had the contact information for the Vice President of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.
So I emailed the V.P. and said that ...(the national reporter) gave me his contact information. He responded the next day.
Here is what he wrote regarding the images:

"Honestly, I think it’s very unlikely that they are in circulation online. I say that given the period in time it was created (80's) and the quality of images/videos today vs back then. Most of the material created in that era is not being seen/traded online today."

But he said to be certain I should send them some images of myself around the time of the abuse and they would check. So I immediately sent them. He sent them to the Director of Case Services and they scheduled a phone call with me to review everything for two weeks later.
So the Director of Case Services and the person over finding who is in the pictures called me. They interviewed me for about 30 minutes. Asking me to relate everything I remember about the images. They were very reassuring, and also wanted to know about therapy and what has helped because they were responsible for setting up programs for the victims.

But.......they wouldn't tell me what they found in their search. They said they are required to relay the information through a Sexual Crimes Detective or someone in person who has training to deal with this sort of thing. And they needed my permission to find someone in my area and to share what if anything they found with them so that they could meet with me to decide on my options. I am still waiting to find out the results. It has taken a huge toll on me emotionally.

After I see how it turns out for me I am going to ask them if there is an email or way that others who have been abused can get included in their database if they want.
You shouldn't have to get a big time reporter involved to get included.

I will everyone updated as soon as I find anything out.



As soon as I find out how to contact them I will post it.
Right now I have the Vice-president of NCMEC's email and phone number which I don't feel comfortable sharing online.
I am waiting to be contacted by an agent to discuss it. But things are crazy right now with the virus and it is not an urgent case.

If after another week or two I don't hear back from them I will ask the V.P. for more clarification on how to contact them.
But I am shy and it is hard for me to contact them. (Or post online)

Sorry for the delay.


so how do we contact them???
Just heard from NCMEC again today.
They said a detective from my area will be contacting me in the next couple of days.

If anyone wants to direct message me I can give them the email address of a social worker for NCMEC. They said they are willing to talk with anyone who is going through this. But that to get any information on if they have your pictures it has to go through law enforcement. And they will put you in contact with trained law enforcement in your area.

I will let you know as soon as I here anything
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So I just heard from the local detective.
The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children did not find any images of me online.

That is what the Director of NCMEC originally told me was likely, but I had trouble believing it.
He said the vast majority of images that are older were not put on the internet.

So it is a relief knowing that my images aren't being widely distributed.
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Hey Toad

I'm sorry but old pictures are on the internet. I have found pictures of me. What I can say is that the pictures in the boy magazines were not of the quality of my other pictures that I have seen. Over the 15 years I was in the game I figure there were at least 17,000 pictures and movies taken of me. When I got out of the USAF I took some pictures that were taken of me by my friend's sister. Maybe a 50 in all. These were photographs taken in the '60s and they were all quality photos. I had hidden them in my duffel bag under all my military shit. So the first time I went and took them our was in 2012. There were some really bad scenes but scanned them in and destroyed the original prints. There are also vintage sites also. My T told me to stop searching for my pictures mainly because it's not worth the consequences of being on such sites. I told him that I never pay to go onto any pornographic site but he said to stop and so I did. So I think that it's irresponsible for someone in the business of going through pictures to see if they can find kids or pedos. I'm sure that the photographs and videos outpace what was taken of me when I was in the game. Mainly because of equipment being so cheap and so easy to take a couple of hundred photos a day. or multiple videos. There are no delays in processing these photos and videos.

Photos taken of me by my friend's sister were mostly B&W. She developed those pictures in her basement lab. If she took color photos, that had to be taken care of by underground laboratories who did that kind of developing. I don't think that I have to mention who that underground was. the mafia was in control of all the gay bars in NYC and other places. But I lived in the west village and that place was a photographer's dream place to take any type of photo or movie they wanted. There was even a doctor that would fix us kids up if we had problems.

I'm sure that all the pictures taken of me are someplace on the internet. I even came across a photo of me by a naked weigh-in. So even photos that were taken in a non-abusive setting were posted online. At that time there were weight categories in the sport I was in and taking off a few pounds might just put me into a lower weight category. Is it a bad photo? no, all it does is show a naked kid being weighed. The environment was kids, fathers, judges, etc. If there are still naked weigh-ins done today their probably done in a locker room and not in the corner of the main match room.

From the photos and movies that were taken of me from which I have some photos from back then and the ones I will never forget and which I don't want them associated with me at all. There is no sense of me wanting to have my photos attached to me. I'm sure the person who was the most involved with me is not on this planet anymore. I don't want those photos and movies should stir up trouble for others or me. It was a very sensitive period of time where adults died and kids disappeared. I have no reason to open that pandora's box. Besides, I'm sure that people involved in going through millions of photos and movies/videos have come across some of my pictures. I'm also sure that law enforcement has seen photos and the movies I was in when I was 14-15. There were 5 of these movie houses, on Long Island, run by people who had no problem killing kids or killing in general.

We have to remember that there is a market for any type of child porn. I know that snuff movies were made in my time (I was in one of them) and I'm sure that still exists today.


You are right Jeff that alot of it is online.
Yours was taken by professionals in NYC and is certainly online.

For the last 30 years when someone is arrested in the United States for having child pornogophy all of their images are uploaded to NCMEC. So they have a huge database.
All I know is that they couldn't find me in it.
But I was abused in a rural area, mostly by step family. I am sure my pictures are out there somewhere. But it is safe to say they are not being widely distributed at this time.
No one who has been arrested for porn in the United States in the last 30 years had images of me. But you are right that they are probably still in existence somewhere.

For me it is about taking back some power.
I am done sitting around being a victim.
Had they found my pictures I would have gone after someone. My step grandad is dead but my step uncle is still alive. But my memories from when I was 2-5 years old are really blurry. Too confused to say this person did this and then that. Mostly flashbacks and nightmares.
And even if it was too long ago to go after the people who made it. I would have gone after those who are currently using the pictures of me.
My understanding is that if NCMEC knows who you are they can send a notice to you or your lawyer everytime someone is arrested and they find images of you. Then you can file for the court to make that person pay a couple of thousand dollars in victim compensation. It is not a ton of money but for me that is not the point.
For me it is about getting part of what was taken from me when I was a baby. I learned to be passive and submissive and to let them do whatever they wanted without resisting. Now I need to learn to be active to resist and fight back.
So am I glad NCMEC doesn't have pictures of me? Yes.
But my abusers and anyone who happened to be using images of me had better be glad too.
Part of me wanted proof. There is a 4 year old part of me that really wants to bite somebody. I wanted to make someone pay.
Part of me wanted proof to say to the world see I am not crazy, this really happened.

It was time for the dragon to leave his dungeon.

I am not sure what I am going to do now.
Hey Toad

What kind of pictures did you give to this NCMEC to see if you were in a catch of photos of you being abused?

I don't think that I could enter something like that if I wanted to. I would be afraid for me and my family about pissing off people that can make awful things happen. Would I think that my picture would be in that NCMEC database? Yes. I am still scared by the threats made against me 50+ years ago. Not so much for me but for my family. Someone would ask me if I think that there are still people that would do something to me or my family. The organizations are still healthy and very wealthy. I know very well how little kids and as young as 6 and as old as 14 were treated and how replaceable they were.

When I was 14 I was doing porn movies. In one of these movies a child died. I don't know if it was an accident or they meant the child should die. But I still have nightmares and flashbacks of the child looking at me while he died.

That same year I was taken off the street in a matter of seconds and loaded into a car. My eyes were patched, I was told to behave. When I was taken into the apartment I was told to undress, everything. My eyes were still patched. I was beaten and physically tortured, including rape. My eyes were still covered by eye patches. So I saw nothing of the men who abducted me. I was physical beaten and raped. this went on for two days. I wasn't fed or allowed to sleep. They got me dressed and they finally took me out of the apartment and into the car a second time, I thought I was going to die. I was in the back seat next to the right-hand door and someone sitting next to me. I was pleading and crying not to kill me. He told me to shut up and shoved me into the door. the pain was excruciating. I found out later that I had 6 broken ribs done while they abuse the house.

In the end, the guy puts 6 dimes into my left-hand pocket and told me to call my pimp. I was pushed out of the door while the car was still moving. I was then able to take the eye patches off and even though it was night the light that was given off from the light poles and stores hurt my eyes. They had dumped me by the corner next to a telephone booth. I crawled between two parked cars and slid under the front of one until I could get myself together. I finally got out and went into the phone booth and called papasan. I didn't know where I was so papasan asked me to read the street signs he told me that he'll be over within a 1/2 hour. While I was in the phone booth a lady came over and asked me if I was OK. I closed the door and sat on the floor with my feet against the door. She went away and a few minutes later she came back with two cops who also tried to get me to come out of the booth. I wasn't moving.

Papasan came and I came out of the booth. he told me to go into the car. I looked horrible. Papasan helped me stand up. My hair was caked with blood and sweat, I walked sort of hunched over because of my broken ribs I was extremely tired and hungry. The phone booth's floor was all bloody. The cops saw all this but didn't even stop me and ask a name, nothing. I went to the car and papasan did the talking. This would not happen today if two cops came across someone like me. The cops went away and I was taken back to the apartment where we kids lived. My best friend who was also my boyfriend gave me a bath and washed me up. papasan came back with the doctor who took care of us when we were hurt.

Someone had to be punished for some reason and I was used to in punishing that man. So would I open my mouth today? probably not. the men that ran the skin business in the village one died in the '70s and the one I knew died in the '80s. Neither of them died from old age. I guess it was just the changing of the guard.It's better I just keep my mouth shut.


will they keep your pic on file
They didn’t say, but I assume so.

Hey Jeff,

I wouldn’t go after the mob either, but my situation is different. If I had some proof or corroboration I might confront my uncle. But I definitely would have gone after random people who were arrested looking at images of me. They could help pay for some of my therapy.
In the end I a glad I pursued it. It is good for me to get out of my comfort zone. And try to find ways to regain some power.
Hey Toad,

Yeah, I would also go after a relative or someone that had no connections to anyone that could be dangerous. I think that it is very courageous to go after those people you mention even so it would stop pedos from ruining some other kid's life. It's a great thing this NCMEC. Maybe having my face in a database back then would have freed me from being taken advantage of. I was treated very badly by the NYPD until they found out who I was connected to. The police were being paid off back in the '60s. I'm sure that's why the policemen didn't pursue who I was.

I've seen street kids disappear. I don't know what happened to them. We all used to play ball together and then one day a kid doesn't show up to play with us. We figured he was moved either to another place in the city or state. Street kids got moved around so they would be fresh meat once they were moved. My boyfriend Bobby and I never really worked the street. We were rented out especially to the upper east side. I do know that we had some dates with people who worked for diplomats (or were diplomats) and didn't speak English.

A trick went on for 1/2 hour or hour but Bobby and I went on dates which could go on for the whole evening or night but we could be rented out for the entire weekend or even a week.

Be courageous, seek out your picture and in that NCMEC database and hang your perp.

Sending tons of Love and Peace and enough magic to make it all work.


There is a 4 year old part of me that really wants to bite somebody
So I woke up and I found that I had bit my thumb in the night so hard it bled. This is not working out like I wanted it too.

Last week I woke up with a hand print on my arm. I had grabbed it so hard it left a bruise on it for most of the week. It usually takes a lot for me to bruise.

I need to find a way to stop acting out my nightmares.
Hey Toad, Kal

I don't think that I would ever want a picture of me that is in those police databases to point to me. When I was 14-15 I was forced to do shit to children younger than 12 all the way down to 5-6. I'm not so sure about the ages. All I can do is looked at one of my grandchildren who look around the ages of children I had to do shit. I don't want those pictures to connect back to me.

I'm sure that they must also have pictures of me being hung by my hands from the ceiling. These ceilings were very high so I guess the house was a very old house. Young children I guess from age 8 to age 10 beating the shit out of me with bamboo sticks. There were like five kids that were beating me. They just went crazy with me. their main targets were my junk and my anus. but they hit me all over. They tried sticking the bamboo stick up my ass. They spread my legs and started on my junk. I kept pleading for them to stop. But you can imagine that they were brutalized by someone like me or even me and this was their chance to get back at me.

When the beating was over I was conscience with my arms tied behind my back and my feet tied to one of the bathtub handles. The cold water was on full and I was laying on my back. The bathtub drain was plugged as the ice-cold water was filling up around me. some of the older kids were trying to keep my head underwater and then let me up and do it again. Finally, I couldn't hold my head above water and a couple of kids just pushed me down underwater. They were stopped by one of the men that were there taking films and photos. One of the kids held my head above water by my hair until the water drained out. I was left tied up for many hours. There were no windows so I didn't know if it was day or night or what time it was. My bruising and cuts were so bad they kept me there handcuffed to the bathroom sink until the next week Tuesday. Someone came in and checked me out each day. I was swollen, bruised and, cut all over. My ankle was handcuffed to the sink in the bathroom so I was able to go to the bathroom. I was fed oatmeal three times a day and a glass of orange juice.

I don't want my picture to connect to me, I have enough problems without being accused as a monster. It would be good that the kid's pictures could be seen so someone would be able to help them.

That's been my life hiding my past. I know I wasn't at fault when I was making these movies but I don't want anyone to get the idea that I was a monster. If I could I would crawl back into my hole that I was in for the 50 years.

Sending Love, peace and, enough magic to make it all come true.
Hey Kal

That's great. I hope you'll not get triggered especially if they want to make an appointment with you to look at some pictures

I would really love to hear what happens by the phone appointment if you want to shard

Sending tons of Love, Peace and, magic to make it all work out.
Hey Kal

That is such a nice avatar. The smile and eyes are such a contrast to your previous avatar. It doesn't take away from the pain you went through but it does show that you were happy at times. I'm glad you changed it.