checking in

checking in
D

don64

Registrant
I haven't posted just about myself in a while, and am feeling the need for intentional connection with you guys. I have finished another of my cycles of: go out into the world of people, get a lot of experience with people, get overwhelmed by people, withdraw to process my experience and find meaning for myself.

Before this cycle I always ended with feeling defeated, a failure. I read somewhere that I discover who I am by experiencing who I am not. That seems to be the way with me. This time I feel good about my cycle. I participated as fully as I was able, I was verbal and as honest as I could be, I don't have any regrets and I have a lot of information to chew on about myself.

There's always a place inside that wants to say I'm bad, I'm mean, I can't do anything right. That comes from my early damaged child and there is no truth to it. It is kind of mind boggling to me how little I actually know of myself--my limits, what is healthy for me, what is a genuine outpouring of myself and what is automatic old people pleasing and hiding in politeness and focusing on the other.

This time I feel good about my experiences, and feel good about what I have to consider. Somehow, I have grown much stronger in myself during the year and ten months I have been with MS. I'm grateful for it and grateful you guys are here. I was sitting here feeling a little low and lost, and said to myself "What is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?" And, talking to you guys was it.

Love and good will to you all,

Don
 
Don, its great to read of others making progress, however great or small. Ive learnt so much reading yours and other peoples posts, its like Ive had my head buried in the sand my whole life and have only just started looking around. I admit when you spoke earlier of brain stem responses hardwired from childhood I had no idea what you meant but now I get it 100%. When I see responses in myself which are very peculiar, has been there since childhood but which I have no control over, thats it.

Thanks for sharing.
 
Don - i have observed some of your previous cycles - but had not fitted the various events or stages into a pattern such as you have just done. that is great - to see them not as random, disconnected episodes, but as part of a continuum of growth and progress. i cannot help but believe that you yourself are imposing some order and control into this - rather than just passively letting it happen as might have been in the past. all the best to you as you continue on your path to greater self-awareness and health and healing.
- Lee
 
Good to hear some news from the frontline don, i think your pacing yourself, living at your own rhythm. Stay healthy my friend.
 
Don

Wonderful news. It is great to hear you are well and progressing. Thank you for the update and keep going.

Kevin
 
Hi Don

You have always posted a lot of wisdom and I am glad you are able to look within and get to know yourself better. I hope you continue to grow and I wish you peace and healing.

Mike
 
Don,
Thanks for the update. I have not been around in some time myself, and it is great to drop in to find a positive and reaffirming post from you. Sorry you were feeling low, but I hope some interaction with the good men here will perk you up!

Best always,
Freeman
 
How you holding up today bud?
 
Thanks, guys, for all the posts, and thanks justplainme for the follow through. I had lunch with my best friend today, and she is off island until mid-September at a family lakehouse in the states. I am realizing how exhausted I am from a long process involving getting a will done, durable power of attorney, and health clause if I was ever incapacitated. It was time to take care of that. I've been mostly a hermit for many years and severed all ties with my family of origin 13 years ago. I guess dealing with mortality issues can be demanding for a lot of people. So, dealing with that along with the decision the first of May to do another reflection period has just been exhausting for me.

I guess seeing my friend for the last time until September was my internal marker for "Whew, I made it through all the things I have to do, and can now just rest for a while!"

I have had so many health challenges accompanying the surfacing of memories of my mothers sexual abuse and physical abuse, which began to surface a little over three years ago. I got rid of all my gardening equipment and shut down all my raised beds three years ago, as I didn't think I would ever be able to garden again. I almost went into assisted living until I realized that my health challenges were associated with up to 63 years of buried memories of my mom's abuse surfacing.

I'm happy to report my health is much, much better, and I've begun gardening again as of about a month ago. I'm taking it very slowly, and just doing maintenance and cosmetic work on my fruit trees so far.

Anyway, I wax long. Thanks for being here everyone. I like where I'm at, and I'm exhausted. I'm going to get a lot of rest for the next few days, and gently move back into communing with the land.

Love and support to you all,

Don
 
Hi Don, Good to hear that you are turning a corner and able to do a little gardening again. Hope your summer is a well-deserved respite.
 
Sounds like you got a good thing going Don, i'm happy to hear that, keep us posted on how your break is going. Enjoy your downtime my friend.
Sending you my best.
 
Cant think of anything more grounding and therapeutic than working in the garden :-)
 
Don,

I'm a bit late on this thread but it's good to hear from you.

I really like how you describe the cycle, and how you seem to be very aware of it and at peace with it. Sort of like saying do what you can when you can, and that it's OK to take a break from it all and regroup when necessary.

Thanks for the update.
 
Don I am glad you are doing better. I have read your posts and they have been helpful for me. I am glad you recent experiences have helped you. I know for me I am having more good days than bad days now. I am thankful for people like you. I hope you continue to move forward and find peace with what the abuse left you with.

Paul
 
Thanks guys for your feedback and support. Sending you love and good will. Don
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

JC1
Trigger, Respond, Regret, Repeat
Replies
4
Views
184
Youngtrumpet
Y
loo
Feeling a bit down today
Replies
4
Views
221
loo
loo
RJ03N
Hi, RJ here! I have no idea where to post this.. but like yeah.
Replies
9
Views
241
dcwofhs90
dcwofhs90
I
Worried of repressed memories of me doing something bad, but also sure it didn't happen.
Replies
1
Views
100
Youngtrumpet
Y
RJ03N
Mentally in My Own Little Void
Replies
3
Views
138
dcwofhs90
dcwofhs90
Back
Top