checking and re-checking

Kurt,

yes the chaos can be like that, nothing going right, checking stuff over and over.
It is a natural reaction to what you are going through at this time.

If it is any consolation, yes, I felt that returning to school would be a nightmare, because at least on holiday I could just be with the nightmare on my own.

You know what though! Being back in school will take your mind off some of this crap, and I know you will not agree, but it will some.

I hope your Mom sees sense in her stupid life, and gets you back, but you are not going crazy, and yes, sometimes I go back to this mode, thats why I never walk out with credit cards, because I am sure to lose them :eek:

ste
 
Kurt,

Part of the problem may be that you are anxious about returning to school. I remember that it felt strange when I had to go back to school, and in your case you've had a traumatic summer, that's for sure.

But I think another thing that's going on is that you feel guilty about your Mom leaving. Is it possible that you wonder if your Dad could do the same thing? It seems to me that you still blame yourself for the troubles with your mother; you think everything was your fault. Now you are fearful that you will mess things up with your father as well. That would explain why you are trying to make sure you do everything right. As you yourself put it: "I feel like I just dont want to make any more mistakes."

But Kurt, more of what mistakes? What happened wasn't your fault. Really, it wasn't.

If you think you can do this, I would discuss this with your father. Talk about it with him and let him help you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Yes I've had my little spells too kurt. The compulsive checking and re-checking is one of your means of coping with your current anxiety. Have you tried relaxation techniques. Perhaps learning about meditation, exercise, talking to those you trust, or even breathing exercises work well. Its good to handle issues but its good to look past those small problems that will go away on their own. When we compulsively take part in our little twitches its likely that we are just not dealing with certain feelings we have and you can stop it if you want to. One thing I do is, stop the behavior just for a second, take a deep breath and feel the pain, whether it be fear, anger, sadness, guilt etc. It hurts but you'll find soon after you wont tend to have that twitch and youll feel a lot better. Just be sure not to overwhelm yourself with those feeling.
 
I do things like that and I never thought about it being related to my SA. Everytime I get out of the car I check my hands or pockets 2 or 3 times before I lock the door. I check the door several times before I go to bed to make sure it is locked. There are a few other things I do repeatedly, but these 2 are the worst.

I am really learning a lot about myself here. The more I read and listen the more I learn that the things I do that I thought were weird now make sense, kind of.
 
The worst event I could think of was going to London and parking outside to take the metro into the city.

My memory just blacked out to where I had left the car, and I just sat thinking for hours where I had got on the tube and stuff, eventually I did find it.

I am always leaving my keys in doors, and losing my wallet and library card, whatever, so I dont take much out with me, but the worst thing is forgetting about bills to pay :(

It is anxiety and stress,

ste
 
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