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WalkingSouth

WalkingSouth

Gentlemen,

I've been wondering for a long time, and have expressed my problem to a number of you, why it is that I feel so intimidated in chat. It's not like any of you are going to reach through the screen and throttle me or anything. It's OK when there are only 2 or 3 of us there, but when there gets to be more than that, I just get to the place where I have to cut and run.

If I were to compare the feeling to anything it would be pretty much the same as when I get placed at a center table in a restaurant. It's just this feeling of insecurity that builds till I can't stand it any longer.

I know that none of you are "bad" people and are out to harm me, and even if you were, there's not much you can do to get to me anyhow. I don't even think that is really the issue, so what is?

I've never run onto anybody there that I don't like. Most of you I know from our interaction here and have the highest respect for you.

A little help here would be appreciated. Like I say, I have a lot of respect for you guys, and value your input on this subject.

Lots of love,

John
 
John,

I never felt unsafe in chat, just very nervous at first, but hey! I remember you the first night you came in!

What clicked for me was your comment about a restaurant table. That made me remember all the times I hated dining out because I felt I had my radar going in every direction at once.

I think what's at work here is an idea we bring from childhood. When we were little we assumed that all the world was safe for us, but then abuse taught us otherwise and we turned to the opposite conclusion - NOWHERE is the world safe for us. In a case where a kid has more than one source of abuse and distress that idea would become very strong indeed.

And of course it doesn't just go away because we become adults. I can envisage exactly what you are talking about. You are in chat with a few people and it seems okay. Then more come in and you find it difficult to juggle everything that is going on. First reaction: Not Safe!

One should look at this two ways I think. First, appreciate it for the way your little guy kept you as safe as he could with so few resources. Second, we don't need those defenses so much now and in fact they can really hold us back. As we deal with the issues the little guy has he will of course feel safer; and the safer he feels, the more I think this feeling will fade.

Much love,
Larry
 
John,

I have not been in chat for ages, but I know what you mean about crowding etc.
Just like any social occasion, I lose track and just get out.

There have in the past been ppl there who I had to put on ignore, as they were on a mission to just hurt others, or pry into their lives etc.

Being in england presents its own problems in time difference.
It can be goog sometimes with the right mix of ppl, but you have to keep yourself safe.

ste
 
John,
I certainly hear you. How often have you found me there? Never. Of course I've been coming here for years and it is just recently that i have finally allowed myself to loosen up enough to speak. In the past if I would respond to a post here I would then not come back for months. I used to talk with a fellow survivor on Messenger. We would talk for hours at a time and I think it did us both good. He came here and so i would come and check it out but just didn't feel comfortable here enough to partake. I think the chat room is still too much for me to attempt at this time.
Take care,
Dale
 
i think one thing that chat takes away is that feeling of you know nobdy knows me .the feeling of safety we get from hiding behind this computer screen ,not really hiding but of being safe cause no one knows you ,in chat you must be able to deal with imediate responses to your questions or comments .the way i see chat is just a bunch of guys getting together to shoot the breeze ,yes sometimes it gets intense ,but i think it is very good training for speaking out in the real world it lets us be open yet still be safe ,it gives us an idea of how other people react to our feelings and ideas.it is good training for intreacting in the real world ,in the time i have been there i have had only one bad experience and it was a learning experience ,it taught me to deal with bad reactions to me . bottom line is chat is just good friends who get together to talk ,not unlike the gang at the local bar.i could go on about the benifits it has for me but each person should decide if it is right for them adam
 
Adam,

I remember having that same experience in chat. It taught me that I could be me and say what I needed to say, and it would not result in me being abandoned or torn to pieces. When I was just beginning in recovery that was a very important lesson to learn.

Much love,
Larry
 
I go to the chatroom several times a week, just to check in on my buddies there. However, I cannot, and never could, keep up with the conversation any time there is more than about 3 others in there.

I like to see the other guys there, though. It's great to see the room filled up, especially when a Moderator is present. Means a lot of guys that need a place like chat, have it available to them.

I am always afraid I will say the wrong thing. I never know when to shut up and just listen. That is just me, though. Also, I am dyslexic and whenever I type a post, I usually proof read it several times to fix the typos. I can't do that in chat, so I come across as illiterate.

All that to say, Chat can be good!
 
Hi again John. Hey maybe just force yourself to do it, no matter how scared you get or how unpleasant it is.

I'm about to do something I've long dreaded doing, job hunting via the "cold calling" approach. I'm gonna have to dress up in a nice suit and stop at the human recources dept at local hospitals, schools, factories, and try to find work in the IT industry. I'm gonna have to try to sell myself. I'm not looking forward to this, but I made a friend a promise that I would do the best I could to better myself, so here I go...............

I would certainly like to see you show up at the chat room more often John, so would many of the others. :)
 
Everyone - I can't remember exactly when it was, but I only ever went to chat once!

I was in a conversation with two other people! Both were interested because I was new!

I think I answered about three questions, before one of those people said: 'I like hugs'!

I wasn't familiar with the way that phrase was used on this site at the time (anyone feeling a bit down receives a hug). Displayed as: (((((whoever)))))).

I thought it was a chat up line, and I bailed out and have never been back!

I'm still wary, because I don't know to this day whether the intentions were innocent or not! They probably were!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Bro,

At first, I thought maybe it was in the genes because I feel the same. Then I kept on reading and saw that others feel the same thing. So maybe it's not hereditary.

My solution for now anyway, is to stay away from chat and not worry about it. Yes, I know that sooner or later I am going to have to face this issue because I am sure that it is also holding me back in other areas of my life. So someday you will see me there but for now, I'll stay here.

Love ya Bro

Darrel
 
What Ive observed via this thread is that for most people, especially John who started it, is that many seem uncomfortable or potentially threatened. If thats how you feel I say thats ok and like anything in our recoveries, if youre not comfortable dont do it.

Like any feature here at MS they are here to help us not hinder us. Another thing some people alluded to was a sense of Ill get to that point [chat] when Im ready. Maybe its just me but I dont see it as a progression and position of accomplishment. I simply see it as another medium that if youre comfortable with it go for it.

I appreciate the typo issues many have also raised and that is the nature of instant chatting or messaging but what I appreciate the most out of chat is being able to converse instantly and get responses instantly from my friends here.

Often when I post Ill be eager to see what others thoughts are on the posts I start and I also like to see others thoughts on posts that I reply to even if I didnt start them. Its all about the sum of all of us creating the best output. Chat for me gives me that instant response and thats what I love about it.

Sometimes Ive not really been in the right frame of mind to cope with the topic of discussion so Ill scoot on out of there. Thats me taking care of myself. On other rare occasions Ive felt the conduct in there not appropriate (when theres been no moderator) and Ill either convey that to those in the room or again, Ill move on.

My actual, valid frustration with chat is time zones. Im in Australia and daylight for most is my sleep time e.g. lunchtime in Los Angeles, California is midnight my time. Oh to be more in sync with the masses!

To John and the others who feel not totally comfortable when too many people join in, dont forget you can have a private one-to-one chat. Ive done that sometimes when I didnt want the whole room to eavesdrop, or it may simply have been that I was in the middle of a deep and meaningful with someone and didnt want gatecrashers or other people breaking the moment. I dont see anything wrong with that. Again, its a resource for us to use.
 
Dale,

When you're in chat, go to the list of participants in the chat and click on the name of the person you want to talk to privately. A separate box will open up.

Much love,
Larry
 
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