Chaos- possible trigger warning(s)

[Anura]

OK, in my personal life, the fullest of truths have completely emerged. Among the things admitted in my story, there has also surfaced other horrible behaviors. A seemingly insane obsession with, and compulsion to immerse myself in porn, adult chat sites, adult hookup sites, and craigslist personals, etcetra, etcetera. More things that bring me great shame, well before anyone else knew. Which in turn show me to be untrustworthy and dishonest at a bare minumum. The love of my life, found out all of this. I was trying to remove these foul obsessions from myself, but it was too late. All of my shameful BS was now on the table. Madness erupted in my brain. Like a psychological breakdown. After drinking a bunch of whiskey and tequila, I ingested over one hundred 325mg aspirins. Didn't kill me, obviously, but made the next week or so very fun. *sarcasm* The following day I was very sick. Vomiting blood and had lost the vast majority of my hearing. I was almost deaf. I never sought medical help. Gradually I got better and my hearing returned to normal. My girlfriend helped me to recover, to the best of her abilities. I think she did an awesome job. She is still with me, helping me through everything, even been working to clear the internet of my shameful tracks. But, understandably, it has been excruciatingly difficult for her to do so. It has all been so hard for her. That, in itself, tears me to pieces inside. I love her more than any words could possibly express, but all of this shows otherwise. I just wish I could wake up to discover that all of the crap was just a long awful dream. I don't know if this BS is another byproduct from my CSA, if I'm mentally disturbed, or if I'm just a jerk. Really hoping it's not the latter. All I want to be, is the positive way that I have seen myself for ages. The 'me' that I let everyone see. Someone who is kind, caring, selfless, loving, and honest. I have no clue what happened to me through the years to make this foul, dark side of me that I hate beyond description. I tried to hide all of it from everyone, including myself. Since being faced head on by all of it, I have been a basket case. Riding a horrendous emotional/psychological roller coaster. Makes me feel completely insane. Just last night I nearly had a complete psychotic breakdown at the grocery store. ugh. I Have my first therapist appointment on January 15th. I am both looking forward to it, and terrified of it at the same time. I am posting this, in hopes that there might be someone who can shed some light on any of this for me, before I get to my appointment. Anything is appreciated. Thanks guys

 

[Garf]

Sir, I am so sorry for what has happened. I am happy that you are a survivor and that you are alive. I have no doubt that you are a very good person who very much matters to others.

I had a similar encounter one time. I wish you had not felt so alone and so hopeless. Sir, I have a lot of limitations but I strongly believe in and for others. I know that things can get better for you.

I am glad you have an appointment with a therapist. It may well be hard and painful, but it will also be healing, a huge step toward healing.

Please, please if you find yourself going down, please get on this website and reach out to others. I assure you that there are very outstanding men who are here and who care - and have a clue of your suffering.

Best wishes. Please keep in touch.

Garf

 

[Anura]

Thank you for your support, Garf. I have good days and bad days. This has been the most difficult mess of stuff that I have ever delved into. Maybe that's why it's taken me over 25 years to face it.

 

[victor-victim]

dear Anura,

you already know what you want to do,
or you would not be reaching out here.

we all know that the internet, particularly porn,
is not a safe or healthy environment.
there are many risks and hazards,
especially for those of us who struggle
with obsessions, compulsions, or addictions.

reject secrecy.
select honesty.
try monogamy.
build intimacy.
save matrimony.
it worked for me.

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[Jay1946]

Anura:

Certainly, you're not alone.!

A couple of comments based on my personal experience.

1) The compulsion in immersing yourself in porn is most probably a consequence of childhood sexual abuse (csa). I discovered this connection by reading the posts in this website. There is a very high correlation.
2) Like you, I love my wife (in your case, your girlfriend) and wouldn't want to be with anyone else, and yet I was compulsively watching porn and putting at risk everything that was important to me.

Even though I don't know you, if you've experienced csa, chances are you're not mentally disturbed or a jerk. In fact you're in very distinguished company with so many of us in this website!

What worked for me is exploring the origin, history and meaning of my compulsions with a qualified therapist, which is what you're starting in January. And, my wife's loving support along the journey.

 

[Anura]

Thank you all. I have managed to stop all the foul behaviors. My survival totally depends on me doing so. Just now I feel like a comlete lunatic. Up to delusions and hallucinations when my head gets bad. I find it even more difficult to keep the self destructive thoughts and behaviors in check, than I do the other foul ones. Having horrendous anxiety/paranoia attacks. I've dealt with a lot of messed up shit in my life, but this takes the cake cake, as far as incromprehensible difficulty level goes. I know that I will make it. Especially, and probably only, with the support of my girlfriend. That support, as your wife supports you Jay, seems to be the fuel running the motor driving myself to fix all of this crap. I'm hanging in, and making it. Just wish I had a fast forward function. Or better yet, rewind and delete.

 

[victor-victim]

i find that healing is a lot like mourning or growing...
it cannot be pushed or postponed.
there is a schedule, a procedure,
that must be adhered to.
the good news is...

feelings will flood and flow.
fear and pain come and go.
practice good medicine.
nurture the child within.
you are guaranteed success,
if you follow due process.

 

[don64]

Hi Anura,

I think you are probably actually doing great. The secrecy is out. Secrecy is a killer. Fast forward and delete do not work. In fact fast forward and delete are quite destructive, in my experience. The only way out of this is through it, again, in my experience. Patience and pacing, for me, is the only way through it. All of the crap I go through is actually a cleansing process for me.

Sending you love and support,

Don

 

[victor-victim]

i would rather be rejected for who i really am,
than accepted as my disguise.
we become who we pretend to be,
so choose carefully.

every person is a complex system
composed of multiple compartments.

we are large enough to contain contradictions.

ultimately, what other people think of me is none of my business and beyond my control.

i maintain my dignity,
not my reputation.

 

[Bluedogone]

It doesn't sound like you're mentally disturbed or a jerk. Just a guy coping with the effects of CSA. I'm sorry you went through such an agonizing medical situation, but it's good to hear that part, at least, has sort of settled down.

Remember, the porn, adult chat sites, hookup sites and Craigslist personals are not who you are. They're only symptoms of what CSA is capable of causing in your life. And thankfully, and to your great credit, you are about to begin work on these symptoms with a therapist. Healing and recovery is a long difficult journey, and I know this first appointment is causing anxiety. But you can do this thing. I know you can, otherwise you wouldn't have bothered posting on the forum. It's great your girlfriend is there to support you, and I hope you'll call on the guys at MS for their emotional support, understanding and compassion. Good luck as you begin this journery of healing and recovery. Hang in there, January 15 is not too far away.

 

[Bardo]

I agree that our compulsive behaviors are often caused by our CSA. And when the secret of our lives is exposed to someone, it becomes obvious that all of these things are related. Your anxiety and other pain may very well be directly related. I found that certain anxieties suddenly vanished when I reached a certain point in my process. Others emerged, of course, as this is never easy or free. But I do believe that as you undertake this necessary journey, your mind will begin to settle down and allow you the space to breath. Please keep posting, we are here 24/7, including in the chat room, so someone is always around.

Freeman