Changing T

Changing T
C

chuck

Registrant
I don't know if any other survivor has had this happpen or can provide some advice. I came out to my therapist back in November and he has been questioning me every so often, if I think I am trully gay. He has suggested to me that I might be bisexual. Other times he has suggested that I read such and such book by a writer who was gay but now is straight. This whole process has been difficult enough and I am hurt when he says these things to me. Maybe he is just challenging me to make me feel certain of what I am.

I never wanted to admit I was gay and did everything I could do from accepting this. I was married for 18 years and always faithful but deep down I had these feelings towards men. Now that I have admitted this I feel more comfortable with myself, since then I seem to be challenged by my T. At this point I am thinking about changing my T but it is difficult because I have been with him almost 2 years. Other than this issue he has been very helpful for me. Uncertain about how to proceed with this?

Chuck
 
Hi Chuck,

A therapist asked me about my identity, which is more gay than straight so I identify as gay. I was irritated and asked him why he had brought it those few times, he explained that he was asking about it because I was sexualised so early and was wondering how that impacted on my identity. To the best of my knowledge he didnt have a homophobic agenda, so I felt happy with his response and further discussion about it.

I guess as this therapist has worked well with you for two years, in your position I would be inclined ask him why he has brought it up and let him know how you feel about the question.

Peter
 
There's an awful lot of junk "science" floating around about sexual orientation, and the "ex-gay" phenomenon is a HUGE business that rakes in millions of dollars for the radical religious right. I've done a lot of research about this and some of it is truly frightening - there's an ugly dark side to all those organizations that claim to "repair" homosexuality, including rampant promiscuity in their ranks and a high suicide rate.

Maybe your T is ignorant about sexual orientation and got foolishly drawn in by one of the many scientific-sounding books published by anti-gay zealots with a hidden agenda, or maybe s/he has that exact agenda in mind for you - to "repair" your "broken" sexuality, which is bullshit - if you are gay, you are NOT "broken" and NOTHING needs to be "repaired" (same thing goes if you are straight, or bisexual).

Your post raised a lot of my "red flags" about your therapist - seems to me that s/he should have accepted your declaration that you are gay and left it at that. Addressing your orientation in therapy *might* be appropriate if you yourself are questioning it, but I think lending you a book about a guy who claims he was gay but is now straight is WAY over the line into coercion.

Do you mind sharing the title of the book ? I'd like to check it out.
 
Chuck:
If you feel that he's done a lot of good for you, then there's nothing wrong with challenging his questions and motives. I think that sometimes we look at our T as experts and don't question them at all. I would ask him and then if you are not satisfied by his response I would look for another T.
They are just as human and prone to mistakes. I have a good friend who is a psychiatrist in another town. He prefers to work with psychotic patients only and doesn't do any counseling. When I asked him why he prefers this, he said, "If I'm sitting in my office talking to a guy who is questioning his marriage, I find it hard to make sure that I'm not projecting my feelings and experiences on him. But, if someone looks at me and tells me that aliens have invaded his brain, I KNOW who is sane and who is not."
I had a T once who projected all of her hatred on me because she was going thru a bitter divorce and I reminded her of her husband.
So, question away and trust your gut with the responses.

sophiesdad
 
Hi Chuck,

After reading Shybears words, I could see more red flags, if he does have the agenda that heterosexuality is better than homosexuality, or in any way accepts the pseudo science of that so called reparative therapy then I would definitely have to say good bye to him if it were me.

Having said that I would check out where he is coming from and see if he does have a homophobic agenda, if he does then you will have a better idea of what you need to do.

Peter
 
Thanks to everyone for your input about this problem I am having. I have an appointment with another therapist today. If the interview goes well, I will change to the new one. This stresses me changing to a new T and telling the present one that I will no longer need his help. I reallize that my present T seems to have some issues with me choosing gay and not supportive of this life style. In actually it is not a choice but realizing this is who I am. I will let you know how it goes with the new one and thanks to all of you for your support.

Chuck
 
To everyone,

Just to let you know I survived the process of changing Ts. I had a good discussion with my former T and he is okay with the change. Looking forward to my new T even though I realize this next step is going to open emotions I have been avoiding.

I am doing okay today and hope you all hang in there today.

Chuck
 
Hope all works out for you.

I see the old "how do I find the right" therapist
issue here. Seems there is some info on this site?
A call to a local Gay & Lesbian center may give you some ideas. But any list should include good therapist who are not straight. Some day they will have a lab test to determine this question of
sexual preference?

I changed therapists about six times over the years: two "I fired" two really helped. Not counting all the MD's who just gave out meds.

Rocky Mt Joe
 
Finally, regardless of the other things discussed, I have maintained that if a T doesn't do any good for me in 6 months or a year then I need a new T.
 
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