Changing my behavior...
Okay, I have made a major breakthrough and I hope it lasts. I've given up porn and masturbation - and any form of touching myself (unless I'm urinating). I actually thought it was going to be tougher than this. I think the hardest part was finally admitting to myself that I have a problem.
I used to have all sorts of reasons for it, but realized that the reason was that I wanted my sex to be mine and the more I used it and controlled it the more I thought it would be mine. But my sex was actually less and less mine.
My addiction was getting in the way of my relationship with my wife and that is where I could see that I needed to change (and even yesterday when we were together I could feel the change to my very core). I am not letting myself even think about sex right now because I analyse it all the time (I do let my fantasies run and either my arousal or lack there of be). By stopping my behavior I'm not alalysing sex as much and I am listening to and trusting my body with sex.
It's weird, but I feel stronger for it already and it's only been 3 days. I had stopped for about 4 months a year ago and it was the best I'd ever felt. But it came back because I didn't deal with the underlying issues. I get a little nervous, since it was so easy once I made the decision to stop, that the habit will be easy to pick up again. I'm going to stay vigilant and guarded against it. I am also going to stay accountable to my wife - she knows the whole journey.
I feel like I've gone though the shock of facing my abuse, the feelings of guilt and shame, the anger, cognitive understanding and emotional understanding, accepting my body's reactions to triggers; but I hadn't changed my behavior and it really began to bug me. I just feel free right now. I know that there will be potholes and set backs, but I am learning more and more how to move forward.
I'm actually looking forward to therapy next week because I am excited about the progress I have made. I'm actually beginning to truly feel proud of myself.
Sorry to be so long, but thanks for reading and I hope everyone who's struggling at this moment will feel the freedom that is rightfully ours.
I used to have all sorts of reasons for it, but realized that the reason was that I wanted my sex to be mine and the more I used it and controlled it the more I thought it would be mine. But my sex was actually less and less mine.
My addiction was getting in the way of my relationship with my wife and that is where I could see that I needed to change (and even yesterday when we were together I could feel the change to my very core). I am not letting myself even think about sex right now because I analyse it all the time (I do let my fantasies run and either my arousal or lack there of be). By stopping my behavior I'm not alalysing sex as much and I am listening to and trusting my body with sex.
It's weird, but I feel stronger for it already and it's only been 3 days. I had stopped for about 4 months a year ago and it was the best I'd ever felt. But it came back because I didn't deal with the underlying issues. I get a little nervous, since it was so easy once I made the decision to stop, that the habit will be easy to pick up again. I'm going to stay vigilant and guarded against it. I am also going to stay accountable to my wife - she knows the whole journey.
I feel like I've gone though the shock of facing my abuse, the feelings of guilt and shame, the anger, cognitive understanding and emotional understanding, accepting my body's reactions to triggers; but I hadn't changed my behavior and it really began to bug me. I just feel free right now. I know that there will be potholes and set backs, but I am learning more and more how to move forward.
I'm actually looking forward to therapy next week because I am excited about the progress I have made. I'm actually beginning to truly feel proud of myself.
Sorry to be so long, but thanks for reading and I hope everyone who's struggling at this moment will feel the freedom that is rightfully ours.
