pbfurm,
Celibacy, as all forms of sexual expression, is a matter of choice. If you choose this and are happy with this choice, fine. It doesn't reflect badly on you as a person, as a man, or as a gay man.
But that is of course not what you are saying. You comment that the issue just doesn't matter to you anymore, but can I suggest that in reality you are trying to convince yourself of this, and not all that successfully? There is a lot of dissatisfaction and self-judgment between the lines of your post.
Here's what I mean:
I think it is a combination of the aids crisis and my history of molestation and physical and emotional abuse. I see the situation at this time as knowing it is true, but not owning it as identifying with it. It's just this thing about me, that I don't care if I do anything about.
It sounds to me like you feel you are beyond help: you have been put off by the AIDS problem and abuse memories and issues get in the way. You are coping with that feeling by saying it doesn't matter. But it matters a lot! We are all sexual beings, and sex is a healthy and important part of our lives.
If you feel devalidated by sexual dysfunction, you are in a very large club of survivors with me in the front row! I have been sexually non-functional for about six years now, and no, I don't like it. But I do understand that it arises from my abuse history; I just cannot have sex with my wife without my head filling with horrific abuse memories. I have spoken with her about it and she understands and supports me. I work with my T on this, and I now understand that this is a rough issue but not one impossible to resolve. So I work on it, and in the interim life goes on. I used to feel so ashamed about this, but now I find it easier to fight that feeling; I refuse to let it define me.
When I read your post what I see is the idea that if you were to seek sexual fulfillment as a gay man it would have to be through the social dynamics of a scene stressing sexual prowess and repeated "proofs" of an ability to perform in bed. I know how you feel there. If I were ever to be single again I would not be able to function in the straight club scene, where the emphasis is more or less on "who will I bed tonight?".
But again, your means of sexual expression is up to you to decide. There must be gay mens' organizations where you would be able to relate to other gay men just as friends. I mean, things would proceed slowly, at a pace you can handle, and you would not feel cornered into "performing" a role that isn't you.
Above all, don't let this mess up your view of yourself as a person. If being celibate really is something that is okay for you, then fine. But be honest with yourself. We only live once. If you want sex, there's nothing wrong with that. But it sounds like you want sex that's meaningful. All I will say there is great, congratulations. I think that's the best feeling about sex one could have.
If there's a problem because of abuse issues, this CAN be addressed. Okay, this has continued for two and a half decades and yes, that's a long time. But the chronology isn't a judgment against you; a lot of abuse issues take forever for us to bring out and address. You have every right to seek and want sexual fulfillment, and a history of abuse doesn't mean you can't have that.
Like so much else, this issue is a tough one to accept. I'm glad you brought it up and I hope you don't feel |I am trying to scramble what you said. I guess I am just suggesting you might want to look and decide who you are on this issue and what you really want.
Much love,
Larry
