Castration better than thoughts

Castration better than thoughts
M

MEC

Registrant
Hi everyone,
I've been away for a while, glad you're still here. Discovering my own CA was such a change in my life, it was like the weight of the world lifted and set me free knowing why I've been so screwed up.

I started out visiting and trying to be pure of mind, without sex perversion and falling back to my old deviant ways. That only lasted months and I sunk back into isolation, addicted to Internet porn and bulletin boards.

This coming Monday, 17 November, I will be castrated electively in a doctor's office. From that I'm hoping the purity I've long sought will come, set me free and make others and myself safe from harm. I've never acted out with children, thank God, but have tried suicide to relieve me from a depression I couldnt quite understand.

Anyway, those who may think child abuse, sexual or otherwise, doesn't have long term effects need to rethink their position. I'm not depressed about this and am actually looking forward to and welcome any changes yet to come.

Just wanted y'all to know, stay well,
Michael in NJ
 
I am not sure I am understanding the post. But I do not quite understand how a physical act done to someone, like what you are considering, how that changes what happens in mind? I am sorry to be stupid of this. If this is your choice, what you wish to do, I wish you luck.

leosha
 
Hi Leo,
I know it may be difficult to understand, so you're not stupid. I've never really had a healthy relationship, man or woman, except for a few years in high school, but even then my thoughts would tend toward the abusive usually me being abused in some fetish 'play'. I'm totally fed-up with it, sexuality, for the insincerity and manipulative spin it takes with me.

Loss of testosterone, via testicle removal, removes urges and desires, That asexual effect is about the only good thing I ever got from depression.
 
Michael,

I don't think I understand either. Sounds to me like using plastic surgery to reverse aging. Which my sister does, so I know of what I speak. My experience may mean absolutely nothing to you. So leave it, or rail at or curse me if you will. As I have learned to accept myself and my humanity, I have come to love myself as human. Not some abstract collection of urges, some of which may be called "addictions," but as a Spirit inhabiting Flesh. Any attempt I make to exit the human race ends in disaster for me. And it sounds like that's what you want to do. I invite you to join us. The Great Mystery is not being spiritual, but in being Human. That's the puzzle we're all trying to solve. To me, neither Flesh nor Spirit is superior. I am grateful to wear Flesh, because it is a great responsiblity. One that I take lightly. As the great sage Popeye said, "I am what I am and that's all that I am."

But your choice is yours and I will respect whatever you decide. I think we all will.

Be well,
zoltinvanmerlin
 
Michael, I am trusting that you have had really good counseling about this procedure and what the effects might or might not be.

I wish I knew you better. From what you write, I get the impression that you are not thinking that you could harm someone. But you are concerned about the thoughts and temptations in your mind. These thoughts are certainly not sins, they do not make you a "bad" person, and it seems not a "dangerous" person either.

Chapter Nine of the book you sent me talks of the chasm, the in between place. Yet, it offers hope and professes a way of love. I hope that you love yourself Michael, that you see yourself as a person who has certain struglles that cause you great grief. Yet, they are not an obstacle to the bridge we all seek.

Please be certain that you have an excellent chance of getting the effect you want from this drastic mutilation. It may work. But, I know that Dr. Shane, a psychiatrist,mentioned to some one else that chemical castration was an option he could endorse. I think that is faithful to his point

I don't want to put stress on you at this time. But this is a drastic measure and I would think a physician would not do it without a great deal of counselling on it.

You are in my prayers Michael.

Bob
 
Hi Bob,
You've always been wise, thus the moniker. I've done the chemical route before and am doing it now, but it's incomplete allowing sexuality through. Sexuality, to me and my perverted thoughts, is vile.

You're correct, I seek to harm no one and I want to keep it that way. The immediate reason for doing this is the potential to teach. I can't think of a higher calling than to enrichen the lives of children through unlocking a desire for knowledge and would never wish on anyone the misery that we know from our own experiences.

When I'm healed over, I will return to my T to discuss things. Tomorrow is a big day for me, I'm looking forward to the changes I hope will result from removing this 'cancer' of spirit from me. From this, I can only hope a sincerity I've seldom experienced will grow, and maybe a relationship will have a fighting chance.

Great expectations,
Michael
 
Hi Michael--

I'm sure you've researched the effects of this surgery intensively, and I hope that it brings about the transformation you are looking for.

I find myself stunned by the possibility of a world without urges, and find myself terribly skeptical that such a world exists. I see the body and the psyche as inextricably linked, and I see my own urges as both physical and mental things not really separable from each other at all. The sexual issues I have in particular are not separable in this way. My urge to replicate the abuse is certainly not to do with being suddenly horny or having any other uniquely physical response, it's all about wanting to go back to something terrible for some warped emotional reason. Also, issues of attraction only seem partially physical to me. They're also about association, and that is at least partially in the head. Most importantly, from my perspective so much pain is in habits of mind that may or may not have to do with physical urges. For instance, I find myself wanting to procrastinate, and when I want to procrastinate, I sometimes do so in unhealthy ways...like watching porn, for instance, when I'm not really physically wanting to do so. It's compulsive mental stuff as opposed to lust. All kinds of thinking can stem from habituation and become addictive. not sure why any of them would go away with the kind of surgery you are contemplating.

So, though I hope the procedure works for you, it's hard for me to imagine. I think I would look at the scars pretty often and wonder what had happened. And I would think about the possibility of relationships and how I was going to explain what had happened and what it meant about my own functionality. It's a pretty important absence.

I guess I wish I could think that the problems (and of course I only know my own, so I'm speaking from that position entirely) were physical and that some part of me were physically diseased, because somehow that would make it all fixable. But I really believe the fixing has to be holistic, that the body and the mind have to come together to understand the deepest pain, and that cutting off the one may be a real curse because it means when the other does heal, the one has been permanently and viscerally hurt. A permanent recollection by scars of terrible anguish, when it always seems that in order to be complete healing has to be totally embodied, a healing of spirit and body together.

All best wishes,

Danny
 
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