Caring for yourself / Caring for him

[Cam76]

Hey,

I am wondering how everyone balances caring for their survivor partner and caring for themselves. My partners needs takes up a lot of my thoughts and time but I still need to work and take care of my children and my house. Its a struggle balancing his needs with mine when his are more intense and immediate. I feel guilty when I can't be there for him.

We are at the beginning of a legal issue and another hospitalization. Both issues take up a lot of energy and time. I want to support him but I don't want to burn out. How do you manage balancing your needs and life with his, especially during times where he needs you?

Peace,
Cam

 

[Mishka95673]

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[Cam76]

Thanks Mishka,

My children live with my ex wife and I see them every other weekend. Long story short, I was married, came out, divorced and remarried. Legal issues are complicated but have nothing to do with money or property, so in that way my children won't be affected.

I have a therapist and am working on some of my own issues there with codependency. I do think he is my responsibility and I have trouble letting him make mistakes without stepping in. There seems to be a balance between "in sickness and in health" and taking on someone elses problems.

I cannot imagine living like you described. Just thinking of letting go to that degree makes me sweat. Its scary.

Peace,
Cam

 

[Mishka95673]

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[Robert1000]

Hi Cam76,

I'm a survivor whose spouse has struggled with these issues. We also have kids. Our kids were with us through the hard times when I had an affair and nearly destroyed our family. I just want to say to you that my own "victim-hood" was one of the biggest obstacles to my own healing. As long as I could sort of trump any pain my wife had with my own (at least you didn't get raped when you were 10...) I could avoid taking the full responsibility for the way my choices had hurt other people (and it's very hurtful to trump someone else's pain with your own... it's a bullshit move that we survivors are VERY good at using).

So my advice to you is to just be straight about what you can take and what you can't. Be supportive, sure. But don't be a crutch. The abuse I suffered played a major role in my life for about 25 years, mostly while I tried to deny the truth about what had happened. It wasn't until after I stopped denying and stopped trying to dodge responsibility for the choices I made that I was able to be the man/spouse/father that I want to be.

Anyway, I hope that helps. Keep healing. Keep seeking peace.

Bob

 

[Mishka95673]

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[HD001]

A saying I like is "not my circus not my monkeys."
It's good to be able to set aside to time to listen and be supportive, even give feedback if it's wanted. For me the hard part is leaving the conversation and not carrying the other person's stuff with me.
But it's not mine to carry and I've decided the the best thing in the world for me is to deal with my own crap and become the best version of myself that I can. This is also the best and most helpful thing to those around me no matter what their struggles are.
I think it is reasonable to ask my H to tell me when he feels overwhelmed or needs support. ( not that he ever asks to talk but if he did.) Following him around like a mother hen and asking if he is okay makes both of us crazy. And no matter how much time I spend worrying about him or thinking up things to say or do to help his recovery the truth is that none of it does much except zap energy from other areas of my life that need my attention.
Good luck this is hard stuff