Tom,
Why can't I just walk away. Trying too hard to make something good out of the SA.
As Dave said a couple of years ago, it's hard to see how any survivor would just "walk away" from or just "get over" the abuse he suffered as a boy. To think like this is to miss the important point that sexual abuse isn't only a physical violation of the victim - some kind of injury that can heal and go away, like a broken arm. Abuse devastates the kid emotionally, fills him with feelings of shame and worthlessness, and generates a host of distorted ways of thinking about himself and the world that he continues to carry with him into adulthood.
So for me, Tom, the answer to "why can't I just walk away" would be this: The physical injuries may heal, but the emotional trauma and harm we carry with us everywhere we go. It just ISN'T something that anyone can walk away from, and those who suggest this as a solution simply don't understand what abuse is all about. In order to be RID of the problems we carry from abuse we have to SOLVE them.
I know that won't sound very useful or encouraging, but if we push on the point a bit I do think it's possible to be more positive about this and ask ourselves what recovery is and whether it's possible in our own case.
It seems to me that recovery is two things: something we are trying to DO, and a goal we are trying to REACH.
As something I am trying to do, recovery for me means an effort to disconnect myself from what was done to me as a boy. That is, I need to try to avoid defining myself in terms of the abuse; I need to learn that everything that happened was someone else's crime, not something I "attracted" to myself or anything for which I share the slightest blame.
I also need to deal directly with the abuse IN THE PRESENT. By that I mean I need to recognize that while it is natural and necessary for me to grieve for what was done to me as a boy, so long as I remain in the past I am entirely disempowered. The past is what it is, and there isn't a damn thing I can do to change any of that.
What I CAN do is work on the feelings and attitudes I have now, because in the present I can empower myself. I can change the way I look at the abuse and how it affects my life. In the present I can face the terrible feelings I have about myself and understand how badly they have misled and misinformed me. Gradually I can learn to trust and esteem myself again and relate to others in healthy and productive ways.
I have thought a lot about what I think recovery is as a goal, and how I will know I am "there".
For me recovery is more of a path than a goal; it's an attitude that I have to work on and maintain. But still, I do think that allows me to think of something I will have achieved. But what?
I think recovery for me will mean peace - that is, an ability to live the rest of my life in fulfilling and joyful ways that are not and cannot be hijacked by memories of what was done to me as a child. I will count myself as recovered when I can see that I no longer define myself in any way in terms of what happened years ago.
I don't think for one second that I will ever forget the things the abuser did to me, any more than a war veteran thinks he will forget the horrors of combat. In fact, I don't want to forget. I want to REMEMBER the hard work I did in order to recover, and I want to take pride in defeating the abuser once and for all.
I also don't think for a second that memories of abuse will lose their negative nature. But along with those I will have memories of my own personal struggle - as a boy and as an adult - to overcome this catastrophe and regain my life. I think that will be pretty cool.
Is there any "key" to all this? I can only answer for myself. For me the crucial breakthrough was realizing I had to get into the present and STAY there. Now it's crystal clear to me how important this is, but for a long time I just didn't "get it".
That doesn't mean I never think about the past. I sure do! And all the time. But I think about it with the clear aim of facing my feelings about the past NOW, and doing whatever I can to correct all the false ideas they gave me about myself and my place in the world. That more or less daily effort is what occupies me in my recovery, and for me that has proven to be the key in every sense of the word. It really has unlocked so many possibilities and potentials that I once thought were closed to me forever.
Much love,
Larry
