Can't stay sober.

[Tryingtolive]

I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing.
Mentally I feel I can take being sober or not.
I regret drinking after the effects.
But I certainly don't chase the feeling of being drunk.
It's hard to balance being sober and wanting a good time.
How do you differentiate the two?
I'm always looking for a good time but idk how to do it moderation.
Being sober is very hard for me.
I just can't say no.
I have a very addictive personality.
I always feel I upset others by not going out to the bar.
Maybe it's my problem.
Or an excuse to go out and drink.
I'm finding myself in these situations a lot more.
I either stop drinking after a few.
Or keep binge drinking.
It's process I'm learning to accept.
I want to stay sober.
But certainly can't
But i don't know how much my mental is affected by it.
I feel I'm in better spirits than I have in the past.
But certainly not over the depression and anxiety.
I just don't know how to manage it?
Am I in the wrong for wanting a good time.
Or I'm selfish or self medicating?
It's more of a peer pressure than it is me wanting to drink.
The people I associate with are either drinkers or sober free.
And here Iam in the middle.
In the middle of depression and anxiety.
And self medicating. And coping.
Idk where I stand I need your help?

 

[Ceremony]

Please know, the quote part I did, isn't to pick on you, nor anything, it's me, it's all me, pondering me, so please, please be Ok, I'm not teasing you, I really care.

...
It's hard to balance being sober and wanting a good time.
How do you differentiate the two?
...
I always feel I upset others by not going out to the bar.
...
I'm finding myself in these situations a lot more.
...
I want to stay sober.
...
I just don't know how to manage it?
...... self medicating?
....self medicating. And coping.
Idk where I stand I need your help?

I know all of the parts I hoped to show are me. So, it's been a very long process, that I separated from my traumas. But, now, since last Summer am certain, my thinking about being wasted, high or buzzed had everything to do with what happened, and my conscious process about it; the thing is, it's my unconscious lacking of process that has harmed me the most.

I didn't know of the unconscious parts of me, and just 4 days ago, I was put face to face with one aspect of me. It still rocks me (in a good way). I've been researching, and reading, and posting, and listening, and responding, and knowing for certain that my brain has been disconnected because of the trauma. I'm convinced. I know for me, it's a thing. And for me, and all I see, and am sure of, especially since just 4 days ago, I too am convinced of the therapies I write about here on MS.

There may be others I will find using in the future, Linear wrote of one, and others mentions things I've not looked closely. And so many discuss Mindfulness, which I barely touch irl. I fidget like mad, my brain can go into a tornado of thinking and only writing slows it down, and then I can breath.

So, I used to chase weed like an offhand, perfect part of anything I wanted on a daily, and if I had my way, 24/7/365 basis. I'm not sure, but may have succeeded at that once? Seems odd to write that, 17 years sober, but I know the intimate desire I had for weed. Drinking was an aside, but equal in the desire to be wasted or high. I went after it, and it was to stunt thinking, not have this brain running...

But, it meant I had to think about it all the time, work was to get money to be wasted, time was to find blocks of it to get wasted, outings were to find a quiet place to get wasted... and I did it far more alone, than with a bud? Didn't have many getting wasted buds, and the bar scene had never clicked, except a very short time in college. I hate public urination, meaning urinals, and those f'ing troughs not only stink like hell, they're fully exposed, and I don't do exposed.

stupid bars. But, the music, I wanted that badly.


But, most of anything, I sat alone if I went to a bar, and that sucks. Seems 'mutterers' muttered most if I was next to them, and man it triggered anger. STFU eventually sneered out of me., but how does one person get away from the stools, and the source, to sit alone in a booth, or at a table? It's too selfish, then again, I felt fully exposed to stand alone, looking awkward or weird. So I hated bars. I'm still uncomfortable in them, but can manage.

Any and all of it, the chasing wasted and the high, definitely had purpose. Single minded purpose. Later, when I thought about staying sober, I didn't, and I knew then, I had to chase it, knock the brain off balance so it would stop thinking. Too, I messed good vibes up at home. My wife got chances to pour heaps of derision on me, for hours and hours. She would torture me with hate, having 'caught' me yet again being drunk, smelling me for weed. Made it a hiding game where I mastered it often, and those times getting 'caught' I devolved into the most reptilian part of my dissociation brain, and dwelled to nothingness. Rigid freezing, and letting fate have me, I was to be abused yet again by the horrid mental fuck that my wife could dish out.

She's still good at that, and since she has no true excuse for any of it, it's extraordinarily hard to take now. And my survival mode at home, is to write it out, tell her my truth and explain, and when she pushes a button and I yell back, it's just a worse outcome. So... yeah... where was I?

I do have a more stable understanding than ever, having this sobriety. My brain wants things, things I've not known until last Summer, and knowing what my ptsd is/has been doing to me. But, hadn't known before last summer. Knowing with certainty, what I wrote at the beginning of my usual too long for anyone to care to read post, but packed with intent and poured into this is me. And me wanting to help and be me.

I have a ton to say, but like I just wrote tldr makes a post unpalatable. Sorry.