Cant Sleep. And update on the doctor.
lipsticklullabies
Registrant
yeah i went.
allll the tests came back negitive.
she gave me a number and information to a rape crisis center in my town.
told me she could make me an appointment.
but i told her i wanna try and talk to my mom first.
so far i haven't said a thing to my mom, even just about having the number.
my mom didnt even ask me WHAT i told the doctor.
idk i hate what my mom is doing to me.
but i wanna get my license soon so i can go down there because, i really fucking need some help.
this is really not working.
i thought if i could just make it through my last year of highschool and get out of this house and this town, and away from everything and be with my bestfriend ill be able to start alll over and get help there and everythign will be fine but
this is not working
its 1 am.
i never stay up late.
but i cant sleep.
this has been happening a lot lately.
i really hope my post is making sense because i have to admit im not very coheriant, nor sober right now.
so there are very many reasons i want to go stand out in the lightening at this moment.
i promised my big sister id never drink. shes been sober for about two years, she used to be an alocholic.
my dad IS an alocholic and i promisd myself i wouldn't be like him.
i drink when i cant sleep,
i cant sleep because of everything in myhead.
what it is tonight is that,
so theres my boyfriend who i love beyond words.
and theres my bestfriends friend, Patrick.
i didnt know patrick was bi
until AFTER i flirted with him
it was a joke,
we were kidding around and i was like, oh yeah patrick ill do anything for a dollar.
oh yeah, we need plan one wild night just you and me, no one has to know. wink wink.
it was a joke, i thought he waas straight.
hes not.
and i think i like him.
and all night ive been thinkin how great it would be on thursday if like,
he maybel iked me too
and ugh
its becuse
i want a pysicall relationship.
SO DOES MY BOYFRIEND.
but i love him to much to do that to him.
honestly
i can hardly hug him
i feel like, hes this pure little boy, and if i touch him its gonna ruin him.
i dont want to ruin him the way ted ruined me.
ive done stuff with him
okay me and him have done all of it
lastsummer, when we first met
it was like,
when WERENT we together, really.
but then this winter when "it all" stared bothering me
i stopped letting him touch me
and i stopped touching him
i guess we stil kiss
just not very mch
the thought that i have done somethig with him, makes me fucking sick to my stomach.
he was only 14 then too.
i was 16.
i feel like i hurt him so bad
i hate myself for it.
i know he wants it
but i cant do it
and then theres the part where if he touches me i freak out and i feel like its ted again.
my heart races but not in the good way. in the way that makes your chest ache so bad.
but then theres patrick
whose older than me
so i know he's done things
and im not in love with patrick
i dont worry about hurting him as much as i worry about hurting jarrod.
(and jarrod knows everything and apoligizes if he scares me, and asks before he does ANYTHING. even before he kisses me he asks if its okay if he does.)
so thats what started buggin me today.
and then i went to bed
and i laid down
and i closed my eyes
and my tongue does this thing where air gets between it and the top of my mouth and idk how to explain it but it get sto werei feel like im sucking on something and its done it for as long as i can remember
and just recently has it caused a flash back, and now i know what im really feeling
and i cant stop feeling it
and since he's not reallly there i cant get him out of my mouth
i used to be able to bite my lip so i would remember my mouth is closed,
but that just makes my lip bleed to bad,
and i can still feel it anyway.
and i can feel his hands,
covering eveyr part of my body
its so fucking real
i can even feel his body heat on me.
and i cant make him go away
he lives twenty minutes away now
and he's still in my room.
and i cant make him go away
and i can get any help at this time of night because all my friends are sleeping
and my mom doesnt' care.
i COULD call my friends, caitlin wouldn't care if i woke her up but
its so hard
i CAN talk to her
and i DO
and i talked to her about the jarrod patrick thing tonight
leaving out patricks name though
and we talk and i love her for it and she helps but
at the same time
i know she doesn't know what to say about getting him out of my room
so i feel like id be waking her up just to put her in a situation she feels like she cant fix and i dont want to scare her with me getting so upset. i dont want her to feel like she CANT help me because she can, just not to the extent that i need.
and goddamnit
i just need someone to get him out of my room.
allll the tests came back negitive.
she gave me a number and information to a rape crisis center in my town.
told me she could make me an appointment.
but i told her i wanna try and talk to my mom first.
so far i haven't said a thing to my mom, even just about having the number.
my mom didnt even ask me WHAT i told the doctor.
idk i hate what my mom is doing to me.
but i wanna get my license soon so i can go down there because, i really fucking need some help.
this is really not working.
i thought if i could just make it through my last year of highschool and get out of this house and this town, and away from everything and be with my bestfriend ill be able to start alll over and get help there and everythign will be fine but
this is not working
its 1 am.
i never stay up late.
but i cant sleep.
this has been happening a lot lately.
i really hope my post is making sense because i have to admit im not very coheriant, nor sober right now.
so there are very many reasons i want to go stand out in the lightening at this moment.
i promised my big sister id never drink. shes been sober for about two years, she used to be an alocholic.
my dad IS an alocholic and i promisd myself i wouldn't be like him.
i drink when i cant sleep,
i cant sleep because of everything in myhead.
what it is tonight is that,
so theres my boyfriend who i love beyond words.
and theres my bestfriends friend, Patrick.
i didnt know patrick was bi
until AFTER i flirted with him
it was a joke,
we were kidding around and i was like, oh yeah patrick ill do anything for a dollar.
oh yeah, we need plan one wild night just you and me, no one has to know. wink wink.
it was a joke, i thought he waas straight.
hes not.
and i think i like him.
and all night ive been thinkin how great it would be on thursday if like,
he maybel iked me too
and ugh
its becuse
i want a pysicall relationship.
SO DOES MY BOYFRIEND.
but i love him to much to do that to him.
honestly
i can hardly hug him
i feel like, hes this pure little boy, and if i touch him its gonna ruin him.
i dont want to ruin him the way ted ruined me.
ive done stuff with him
okay me and him have done all of it
lastsummer, when we first met
it was like,
when WERENT we together, really.
but then this winter when "it all" stared bothering me
i stopped letting him touch me
and i stopped touching him
i guess we stil kiss
just not very mch
the thought that i have done somethig with him, makes me fucking sick to my stomach.
he was only 14 then too.
i was 16.
i feel like i hurt him so bad
i hate myself for it.
i know he wants it
but i cant do it
and then theres the part where if he touches me i freak out and i feel like its ted again.
my heart races but not in the good way. in the way that makes your chest ache so bad.
but then theres patrick
whose older than me
so i know he's done things
and im not in love with patrick
i dont worry about hurting him as much as i worry about hurting jarrod.
(and jarrod knows everything and apoligizes if he scares me, and asks before he does ANYTHING. even before he kisses me he asks if its okay if he does.)
so thats what started buggin me today.
and then i went to bed
and i laid down
and i closed my eyes
and my tongue does this thing where air gets between it and the top of my mouth and idk how to explain it but it get sto werei feel like im sucking on something and its done it for as long as i can remember
and just recently has it caused a flash back, and now i know what im really feeling
and i cant stop feeling it
and since he's not reallly there i cant get him out of my mouth
i used to be able to bite my lip so i would remember my mouth is closed,
but that just makes my lip bleed to bad,
and i can still feel it anyway.
and i can feel his hands,
covering eveyr part of my body
its so fucking real
i can even feel his body heat on me.
and i cant make him go away
he lives twenty minutes away now
and he's still in my room.
and i cant make him go away
and i can get any help at this time of night because all my friends are sleeping
and my mom doesnt' care.
i COULD call my friends, caitlin wouldn't care if i woke her up but
its so hard
i CAN talk to her
and i DO
and i talked to her about the jarrod patrick thing tonight
leaving out patricks name though
and we talk and i love her for it and she helps but
at the same time
i know she doesn't know what to say about getting him out of my room
so i feel like id be waking her up just to put her in a situation she feels like she cant fix and i dont want to scare her with me getting so upset. i dont want her to feel like she CANT help me because she can, just not to the extent that i need.
and goddamnit
i just need someone to get him out of my room.
