Can't handle more sex issues w/girlfriend...

[survive75]

I am really frustrated today. My girlfriend decided to bring up all of these issues regarding our sex life last night. I stopped just short of flying off the handle and we went to bed angry with each other. She is upset because she wants to "try new things" and I explained to her that new things don't work for me and that I have to push a lot of shit away even when we do the "tried and true" things that get us both off.

I don't know how to deal... I'm so defensive now, and feel pressured into doing things that don't work for me or make me uncomfortable because I feel bad that she is not getting what she needs. Of course, a lot of her requests are for more intimacy, etc. which no amount of work will get me to be able to do. I just can't. I really tried to stay calm about it, but didn't pull it off all that well. I got really upset and stopped just short of telling her the real truth about the violent fantasies, the flashbacks, etc. I'm not ready to tell her that yet... she will freak out. (And yes, I know she will.)

How do you work with something like this? Where one person wants sex and intimacy and the other doesn't? Is it fair for her to go without because of my issues? But is it equally as unfair to make myself do things that are painful and terrible for me just because she wants more of what I am not giving her? And of course I feel like less of a "real" man because usually it's the woman who has the proverbial "headache" and I'm supposed to be thrilled that my g/f wants it all the time. Has anyone else ever felt like this? I don't know what to do.

-Sean

 

[theo]

sean,
the one thing you have to do is remain true to yourself as you at the moment. the moment you try to give what you are not able to give is the moment the lie kicks in and your life spirals from there. i had this same type of issue with lady theo in the early part of our relationship. it was so dificult to respond to her intimately because of my own fears of inadequacy and the hell of what i went through witht he end of my previous marriage. the few times we did attempt intimacy in the beginning were dismal failures from my perspective because....well, you get the picture. the difference was that after each of these failures she held me so close in her arms and told me that she loved me that i am a man, not a gonad (paraphrased of course , intimate moments are for the ones involved, no?). what i eventually learned and integrated is that my masculinity is not sourced on my performance. this is what we all hear in one way or another, but the proof is in the being held and being validated as a person, not the object we were treated to be. the result in my life has been night and day. with her consistently validating me as a man and as human being regardless of my performance my personal outlook (though suffering greatly recently) has been a 180 and i wont even go into the results of our intimacy....what i will say is that it is no longer a problem.

intimacy for any survivor is such a minefield of danger. respect your own needs in terms of not faking something you cannot fake, but also be very open and honest with her if you think she is capable of knowing the truth. you have talked about her in the past, from what i recall, and from what i hear, i think she can handle the truth that you feel comfortable with sharing. the journey of healing is one big leap of faith. if she is there validating your humanity regardless of performance or your confusion, then she sounds like a real human being that you can trust, but only you can make that call, sean. bottom line, my friend, when you are able to take that leap of faith in another and she validates you it will make the difference you will marvel at the rest of your life, trust me on that one.

 

[Bill_1965]

Sean,

I'm glad that you are honoring your boundaries and did not fly of the handle, that would have made a tough situation worse. Sorry that you both went to bed angry at each other.

Certain aspects of sex can be very triggering to use with very bad uses of it against us. Continue to be true to yourself and your boundaries. Rather than giving in and triggering yourself into bad places and further aggrevating a bad situation.

As you work through your issues and gain more trust in your girlfriend, you may be able to widen the boundaries and provide more of the activities that she wants to try. You, your girlfriend, and the rest of us, need to respect each other's boundaries. Crossing those boundaries, only harms the person and breaks more of their trust, sliding them backwards. Something you don't need, especially as you are working hard to move forward.

Talk to her, as much as you can, without bringing up things that you are not ready to until you are. If she cares about your well-being she will respect your boundaries. And in return, work on the issues you have to reduce the affects you have on her. This is really tough on you, and tough on her too.

Take care of yourself,
Bill